Double Down (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 11) Page 2

  But it turns out the whole “Poetry Anthology”

  thing was a big JOKE. First of all, the book

  was about a thousand pages long, and all the

  poems were in really tiny print. It took me a half

  hour to find my poem in there, and they spelled

  my name wrong, anyway.

  26

  I read a few of the other poems, and they were

  AWFUL. Most of them seemed like they were

  written by five-year-olds.

  It was pretty obvious that ANYONE could have

  their poem included in this book, and the whole

  “nation’s best work” thing was just a bunch of

  baloney. I guess the way the National Poetry

  Council makes money is by selling the book to all

  the suckers who got PUBLISHED in it.

  What I know for sure is, the Poetry Council made

  a LOT of money off of us. Mom bought ten copies

  to hand out to relatives, and the books were

  eighty bucks a pop.

  My Turtle Fred

  by Maya Peebles

  My turtle Fred

  He is not dead

  He sleeps in his shell

  And when he does die

  I guess he will smell

  27

  Plus, she bought a few extra copies for ME, in case

  I wanted to give them to my kids one day.

  The National Poetry Council kept sending us

  letters and calling, asking us to buy more books,

  and I think after a while Mom finally realized it

  was all just a giant scam.

  My copies of the “Poetry Anthology” are in the

  laundry room, but at least they’re being put to

  good use.

  Once Mom got it in her head that I was

  SPECIAL, she wouldn’t let it go. She even tried

  to get me into the Talented and Gifted program

  at school.

  28

  In my elementary school, all the really smart kids

  were in the Talented and Gifted program.

  But I guess the teachers didn’t want us regular

  kids to feel bad about ourselves, so when they

  called the Talented and Gifted group out of class

  for their meetings, they used a code name.

  Mr. Halper was our janitor, and for a long time

  I thought the kids in Mr. Halper’s Helpers were

  just volunteers who wanted to give him a hand

  emptying the trash and stuff like that.

  WOULD MR. HALPER’S

  HELPERS PLEASE REPORT

  TO THE CAFETERIA?

  29

  Then I finally realized that Mr. Halper’s Helpers

  were all the brainiest kids in our grade.

  Mom thought I belonged in Talented and Gifted,

  so she tried to convince the school to let me in.

  But I had to take a TEST to prove I was

  smart enough.

  I don’t remember everything on the test, but I

  do remember one of the questions.

  12:30 Lunch

  1:00 Social Studies

  2:00 Reading

  Fill in the blank:

  Johnny is the best at math.

  Johnny is the best at swimming.

  Johnny is the best at reading.

  Johnny is .

  30

  Looking back, I guess I was supposed to write

  down something else Johnny was the best at.

  But I really didn’t like this Johnny character, so

  I wrote something different.

  Even though I totally flunked the test, Mom

  was mad at the school because she thought I was

  smart enough to be in Talented and Gifted. But

  believe me, those kids are on a whole different level.

  I’m actually kind of grateful I didn’t make

  the cut, because in middle school, kids like Alex

  Aruda have to stay inside during recess to do the

  teachers’ tax returns.

  Johnny is a show-off

  WRITE

  WRITE

  31

  I guess Mom felt pretty bad I didn’t get into

  Talented and Gifted, but a few weeks later she

  told me some good news. She said I got picked by

  the school to be in a special club called the “Champs”

  that had secret meetings twice a week.

  Well, I was really excited about this Champs thing

  and was nervous when I went to my first secret

  meeting. But it turns out the Champs were just

  kids like me who had trouble pronouncing their “R”s,

  and we had to work with Mrs. Pressey on Tuesdays

  and Thursdays in the library to try to improve.

  I don’t know who came up with the Champs

  name, but let me tell you, we thought it was

  AWESOME.

  R-R-RRR...

  WWWWABBIT!

  32

  During recess, if the Champs were coming

  through, all the other kids got out of the way.

  The only kids who didn’t like us were the Language

  Lizards, which was the group that met on Mondays

  and Wednesdays to work on their “S” sounds. But

  I think the Language Lizards were just jealous of

  us because they had such a lousy name.

  KICK

  33

  Me and the other Champs were tight, and I

  really looked forward to those Tuesday and

  Thursday meetings because they always ended up

  turning into a free-for-all.

  But Mom got frustrated that I wasn’t making

  any progress with my Rs, so she hired a private

  tutor to work with me after school. And after a

  few months, I could say my Rs with no problem.

  FLING

  PIFF

  RAT

  ROCK

  RESTROOM

  RAINBOW

  RATTLE

  34

  Unfortunately, that meant I didn’t need to be in

  the Champs anymore. For a few weeks I actually

  FAKED like I couldn’t say my Rs just so I could

  stay in the club. But one day I let my guard

  down and slipped up.

  From that day on I was an outcast. Even the

  Language Lizards didn’t want anything to do

  with me.

  HAND ME THAT

  RED RULER

  RANDY!

  35

  I guess EVERY parent thinks their kid is

  special, even when they’re not. But I think it’s

  starting to get a little out of control.

  Manny played soccer this spring, and his team

  STUNK. They never got a single goal, and the

  other teams scored at least ten times a game. It

  didn’t help that their goalie, Tucker Remy, spent

  the whole time stuffing grass in his belly button.

  At the end of the season, they had a trophy

  ceremony. I thought only the kids on the

  WINNING team would get trophies, which is how

  it worked back when I played soccer. But I guess

  some parents were worried the kids on the losing

  teams might feel bad about themselves, so this

  year EVERYONE got a trophy.

  36

  They were GOOD trophies, too. They were

  gigantic and made of metal, not cheap plastic

  like the ones handed out when I was little. And

  no kid was more proud to get his trophy than

  Tucker Remy.

  I wonder if these kids will be messed up later on in

  life, though. Because I know those soccer trophies

  are having an effec
t on ME. Every so often I’ll

  think about entering a contest at school, but when

  I see the size of the trophies, I lose interest.

  CLAP

  CLAP

  CLAP

  CLAP

  CLAP

  CLAP

  UM...I CHANGED

  MY MIND.

  SIGN UP

  FOR THE

  GEOGRAPHY BEE

  37

  Friday

  Today I returned most of the stuff I bought

  from the book fair, but when Mom saw what I

  got to replace it, she wasn’t all that thrilled.

  I traded for a bunch of those Spineticklers books

  everyone at school is so crazy about.

  Mom said she wanted me to get books that were

  more “challenging,” but I didn’t really have much

  of a choice. Since the book fair is a few weeks

  before Halloween, this is the kind of stuff

  they’re selling.

  Spineticklers

  THE

  BRAIN

  WITH A

  MIND

  OF

  ITS

  OWN

  BY

  I.M. SPOOKY

  Spineticklers

  ZOMBIES

  FOR

  Breakfast

  BY

  I.M. SPOOKY

  38

  I’d say about 90% of the books at the fair were

  from the Spineticklers series. There were a bunch

  of Spineticklers rip-offs, too. I don’t know if

  it’s legal to do that kind of thing, but something

  about it doesn’t seem right.

  FRIGHTENINGLY

  GOOD

  READS

  KNEE-KNOCKERS

  MY BROTHER

  IS A

  NO-BRAINER

  By M.T. GRAVE

  RIBTINGLERS

  THE

  DAY

  MY

  BELLY

  BUTTON

  TRIED

  TO

  EAT

  ME!

  BY R.U.SCARED

  39

  It feels like these scary books just came out

  of NOWHERE. The last series that was really

  popular at my school was the Underpants Bandits

  books, but those are yesterday’s news now.

  In fact, I saw a kid walking down the hall with

  an Underpants Bandits book earlier this week,

  and an eighth-grader gave him an atomic wedgie.

  I’m not usually a big fan of scary stories,

  because

  when I read them I end up having nightmares.

  But Rowley’s even more of a chicken than I am,

  because all the books HE picked out were from the

  Spineticklers JUNIOR series, which are supposed

  to be for kindergartners.

  SCREAM!!!

  40

  At least I’m brave enough for the REAL stuff.

  One of the books I bought is about this guy who

  gets frozen and then wakes up in the future.

  I thought it was just a bunch of science fiction,

  but Albert Sandy said he heard about this rich

  guy who’s doing it for REAL.

  SCAREDY

  CAT

  AND THE

  HAUNTED

  HOUSE

  BY I.M. SPOOKY

  Spineticklers

  WAKE ME UP IN

  THE YEAR

  3000

  By I.M. SPOOKY

  41

  Albert said he saw this news report about an

  old billionaire who’s really sick, and he paid a ton

  of money to freeze himself. Then, in a hundred

  years, he’s gonna get UNfrozen. He’s betting

  that by then they’ll know how to cure every

  disease and he can go on living forever.

  This freezing thing sounds like a great plan to

  ME. And if I strike it rich one day, I’m gonna

  do the EXACT same thing.

  But I’m not gonna wait till I’m old like that

  billionaire.

  42

  The way I see it, if you freeze yourself when you’re

  too old, then when they unfreeze you in the future,

  you’re gonna be too grumpy to have any fun.

  So if I win the lottery or something in the next

  few years, I’m gonna use the money to buy myself

  a one-way ticket to the future.

  GET OFF

  MY LAWN!

  OK, LET’S DO

  THIS THING!

  TOSS

  43

  I’m not telling anyone about my plan, though.

  There’s this jerk at our school named Phillip

  Crivello, and his parents are rich.

  So if he gets the same idea as me, I could still be

  dealing with him a hundred years from now.

  But I’m not sure if a hundred years is far enough

  to go.

  By then I’m sure I’ll have a bunch of great

  nieces and nephews who need babysitting, and I’m

  not spending all that money just so I can change

  a bunch of dirty diapers in the future.

  YOU WET

  YOURSELF!

  HA HA!

  SQUIRT

  SQUIRT

  44

  I’m planning on staying frozen a lot longer, like a

  THOUSAND years, because by then things will be

  REALLY interesting.

  I’m not willing to go any further than that,

  though, because who KNOWS how much human

  beings will have evolved by then.

  ZOO

  EARLY

  HUMAN

  FLASH

  LION

  45

  If I DON’T win the lottery in the next few

  years, I guess I’m gonna have to find a cheaper

  option. Albert Sandy said that people who can’t

  afford to get their whole body frozen can just

  freeze their BRAINS.

  I’m kind of nervous handing my brain off to some

  people I don’t even know, though. I’m guessing

  they’re not paying their employees a lot of money

  to basically wait around and do nothing, so I’m

  kind of concerned about the quality of help they

  have working at these freezing places.

  OOPS!

  BUMP

  After your brain gets unfrozen, I guess they’ll

  put it in a robot body, which probably takes a lot

  of getting used to.

  But if I can scrape together enough money,

  I’m gonna freeze my WHOLE body and do

  it RIGHT. Because whenever you go with the

  cheaper option, you end up regretting it.

  NERD!

  PUNCH

  OH, COME

  ON!

  GREG

  47

  Saturday

  There are only a few weeks to go until Halloween,

  and my family spent the morning putting up our

  decorations in front of the house.

  We used to keep it really basic and hung some

  cobwebs, a few jack-o’-lanterns, and a plastic

  spider or two. But then our neighbors started

  going all out on Halloween, and suddenly our

  decorations looked pretty skimpy.

  So last year Mom handed Rodrick forty bucks and

  told him to go out and pick up some more stuff

  for the front porch.

  R.I.P.

  48

  But Rodrick blew it all on this really awful electronic

  plastic witch.

  The way it works is, if you clap or make a loud

  noise, the witch lets out this bloodcurdling
cackle

  that goes on FOREVER. Then it shakes and its

  eyes glow red.

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CLAP

  49

  But whoever created that thing set the volume

  too high, and there’s no way to turn it down. You

  have to wait for the witch to go through its

  whole routine, which is like two minutes long.

  We hung it out over the front porch last year,

  but little kids were too scared of the thing,

  and the only trick-or-treaters we had were the

  teenagers who came by after 10 p.m.

  The day after Halloween, Dad put the witch on

  a shelf in the furnace room in the basement, and

  that’s where it’s been ever since. But that doesn’t

  mean it’s stopped causing PROBLEMS.

  POUND

  POUND

  POUND

  50

  The witch is SUPER sensitive to sound, and

  sometimes the slightest noise will set it off, even

  if the noise is on a different floor.

  To make matters WORSE, the witch seems to

  have a mind of its own, and sometimes it’ll go

  off randomly even if no one makes a PEEP. I’ve

  had at least two sleepovers end early because of

  that thing.

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  PIFF

  51

  I’ve been trying all year to convince Mom and

  Dad to throw the witch away, but Dad says it’s

  just a plastic toy and I need to stop being such

  a scaredy-cat.

  But I guess Mom got sick of the witch randomly

  going off all the time, and a few weeks ago she

  told Dad to go downstairs and take the batteries

  out, which he did.

  And what happened NEXT is the reason I

  haven’t been in the furnace room ever since.

  What stinks is that all my old Halloween costumes

  are down in the furnace room. So unless Mom’s

  willing to spring for something NEW, I guess

  I’m not going trick-or-treating this year.

  CACKLE