The Meltdown (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 13) Page 4

  Whatever he was doing back there, he was taking

  FOREVER. Some of the Lower Surrey Street

  kids came out of their houses to play, and before

  long Rowley had drawn a crowd. I just backed

  off, because I really didn’t want people to know

  I was WITH him.

  Thankfully, Rowley wrapped things up and we

  got out of there before anyone realized what he

  was DOING. Because this is just the sort of

  stupid thing that could end up sparking a WAR.

  70

  Tuesday

  It was seriously cold again this morning, so I

  dug my scarf and a pair of old gloves out of

  the closet. Mom said I should wear the mittens

  Gramma knitted for me last winter, but when

  she made those things, she forgot to add the

  THUMBS

  .

  So whenever I put them on, it’s basically like

  wearing SOCKS on my hands. And they’re

  totally USELESS in a snowball fight.

  71

  Mom said I should wear earmuffs, too, but the

  thing I’ve learned is that if kids know you can’t

  hear them COMING, you’re just ASKING for it.

  The reason I get so cold is because I’m SKINNY,

  and I don’t have any insulation. Every winter, I

  try to eat a lot to give myself an extra layer of

  blubber. But I guess I’ve got a fast metabolism,

  because nothing I do ever seems to WORK.

  I think it was something like ten degrees outside

  this morning, and on the walk to school I started

  wondering if a person’s BLOOD could freeze.

  72

  I’ve heard people are something like 60% WATER,

  so I guess it’s POSSIBLE. But it kind of feels

  like something Albert Sandy would make up.

  What I was worried about the MOST was

  FROSTBITE. By the time I was halfway to

  school, my ears were STINGING, and I really

  wished I had listened to Mom about the earmuffs.

  I thought one of my ears might actually fall OFF,

  and that I wouldn’t notice until I was in class.

  It wasn’t just my EARS I was worried about,

  though. Apparently there are a LOT of body

  parts where you can get frostbite.

  73

  I wouldn’t want to lose my NOSE, because I’d

  look a little freaky without one. Then again,

  my desk in Social Studies is right next to the

  BATHROOM, so at least THAT situation would

  get a little better.

  Plus, my nose ALWAYS runs on cold days, and I

  never realize I’ve got frozen snot on my face until

  it’s too late.

  74

  I’d like to hang on to my LIPS, too, because if

  I didn’t have them it would always look like I was

  SMILING. And in certain situations, that could

  be a real problem.

  I was lucky I found those GLOVES, because

  I wouldn’t want to lose any FINGERS, either.

  The only thing I’d be willing to give up would be my

  pinky toes, because I hardly EVER use mine. The

  last time I can remember using them was when I

  was in preschool and I needed to count to twenty.

  But other than that, I’m drawing a blank.

  75

  I guess a lot of OTHER kids were worried about

  frostbite, too, because when I got to school,

  there was a whole line of boys in the bathroom

  waiting to use the hand dryer. And that made me

  five minutes late for first period.

  It wasn’t as windy on the walk home today, but

  it was just as COLD. Me and Rowley stopped at

  the pizza place again to warm up, because Rowley

  found a coupon for two free meatball subs in his

  coat pocket.

  76

  After we left the pizza shop, we still had a long

  way to walk. But that’s when I had an idea.

  My Gramma’s house is halfway between our school

  and Surrey Street, and I knew there was no one

  home. That’s because Gramma goes down south

  each winter and doesn’t come back until the spring.

  During the winter, Gramma sends us pictures of

  herself and her friends in their bathing suits to

  let us know that she’s having a good time.

  Gramma takes her dog, Sweetie, with her, too. So

  while I’m freezing my butt off up here, it’s great

  to know Sweetie is lying on a beach down south

  soaking up the sun.

  77

  Gramma usually keeps a key inside her garden

  gnome right next to the front door. And sure

  enough, that’s EXACTLY where it was today.

  I figured we could use Gramma’s house to warm

  up before the last push home. Rowley was nervous

  about us going inside with no adults home, but I

  told him Gramma was FAMILY, and she’d WANT

  me to use her house while she was away.

  When we walked in, I was pretty surprised. It

  was like an ICEBOX in there, so I guess Gramma

  turns down the thermostat for the winter.

  78

  Usually, Gramma CRANKS the heat. When she’s

  home, it’s so warm that you have to eat your ice

  cream sandwich with the freezer drawer open or

  the ice cream will melt in your hands.

  The first thing I did when we got inside

  Gramma’s was turn up the thermostat. It was

  taking a while for the house to heat up, though,

  so I turned on the oven and we warmed up in a

  HURRY

  .

  79

  Gramma had a bunch of snacks in her refrigerator,

  and me and Rowley helped ourselves. But while we

  were eating, we saw some MOVEMENT out the

  front window.

  It was Mrs. McNeil, Gramma’s snoopy next-door

  neighbor. She must’ve noticed the light from the

  fridge, and now she was trying to see inside.

  We stayed out of sight, and eventually Mrs.

  McNeil went away. But now I knew we had to be

  CAREFUL, because I really didn’t need her calling

  the COPS. So we got down low and went into the

  living room, where Gramma has her TV.

  80

  Gramma has ALL the cable channels, and luckily

  she didn’t shut THOSE down for the winter. But

  we couldn’t risk attracting Mrs. McNeil again,

  so we put a blanket over ourselves AND the

  television, and watched it THAT way.

  I guess we kind of lost track of time, because

  when we shut off the TV, it was DARK out. By

  now it was nice and toasty in Gramma’s house, and

  I really didn’t wanna go back out there in the

  cold. So I had an idea for how to make the walk

  home a little more COMFORTABLE.

  I figured if we warmed up our clothes in Gramma’s

  dryer before we headed back out, it would take

  the edge off for the rest of the trip. So we went

  down to the basement where Gramma keeps her

  laundry machines and put in a load of clothes.

  81

  We set the timer to thirty minutes and waited.

  But it was a little awkward hanging out in our

  underwear while the dryer did its thing.

  Plus, it was COLD in the basement, so we looked

  around for s
omething to WEAR. Rowley found

  a sweatshirt I gave Gramma for her birthday,

  and he put THAT on. But I didn’t feel RIGHT

  wearing Gramma’s clothes.

  82

  I found a sweater that Gramma knitted for

  Sweetie, and it fit better than I expected. But

  it was a little ITCHY, and I couldn’t remember if

  Sweetie ever had FLEAS.

  But while I was looking around for something to

  swap it with, we heard NOISES upstairs.

  My FIRST thought was that Gramma gave Mrs.

  McNeil a key to the house, and now she was inside.

  But Rowley said it might be a BURGLAR who

  knew no one was home, and I thought maybe he

  was right.

  83

  We heard some more stomping around upstairs, and

  when the door to the basement opened, we both

  freaked out.

  I looked around for something to use to

  DEFEND myself, but the best I could come up

  with was a toilet plunger.

  Rowley grabbed a can of lemon dust spray and one

  of Gramma’s purses. And when we heard footsteps

  coming down the stairs, we braced ourselves.

  The footsteps PAUSED when they got near the

  bottom, and that’s when we made our MOVE.

  84

  It turned out it wasn’t Mrs. McNeil, and it

  wasn’t a BURGLAR, either. It was MOM.

  She was there to do a load of laundry, since our

  washing machine at home is broken.

  Mom didn’t say much. She just told us to get our

  winter clothes back on and to get in the car.

  And she was totally silent on the ride back to our

  neighborhood, which was really AWKWARD.

  85

  I figured as soon as Rowley was out of the car,

  Mom was gonna yell at me for being at Gramma’s

  house without permission. But she didn’t say

  ANYTHING, and she didn’t mention it to Dad

  during dinner, either.

  After I finished doing the dishes, Mom told me

  she wanted to have a talk in my room. She said

  it was “perfectly normal” for boys my age to play

  “make believe,” and that there was nothing to

  feel ashamed of. Then she said she was glad me

  and Rowley were using our imaginations instead of

  playing video games.

  I have no IDEA what Mom thought we

  were doing in Gramma’s basement. But to be

  honest with you, I kind of wish she had just

  GROUNDED me instead.

  86

  FEBRUARY

  Wednesday

  It’s been snowing for the past few days, and

  last night we got another inch and a half.

  Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to close school,

  and even if it snowed MORE than that, I don’t

  think they would’ve given us the day off.

  We only get a certain amount of snow days each

  year, and if we use them all, then we have to

  make up for them during summer vacation. And

  we’ve already burned through most of our snow

  days for this winter, even though SOME of them

  technically weren’t used because of SNOW.

  In December, the school shut down for three

  days because of a LICE epidemic.

  87

  What happened was that Lily Bodner came to

  school with head lice, but I guess she didn’t know

  it. And it SPREAD when she took pictures with

  her friends.

  So if we’re sitting in a hot classroom in July, I

  guess we can all thank Lily for taking selfies.

  Sometimes, when it snows in the morning, they’ll

  give us a HALF day. But I’m not a big fan of

  half days, because we still have to walk all that

  way just to put in a few hours at school.

  What REALLY stinks is when the school looks at

  the weather forecast and decides in advance that

  the NEXT day is gonna be a half day.

  88

  On a half day, the school schedule is the same,

  but everything takes half the time. That goes

  for DETENTION, too. And all the bullies in our

  school know that if they do something bad the

  day BEFORE a half day, they’ll only get half

  the PUNISHMENT.

  Sometimes school gets canceled because it’s

  SUPPOSED to snow, and then it DOESN’T.

  That’s because the school relies on our local TV

  weatherman for the forecast, and he’s wrong at

  least 50% of the time.

  On New Year’s Eve, he said it was gonna be

  “T-shirts and shorts weather” the next day, but

  then it snowed three inches. And when people

  saw him at the grocery store, they let him know

  they weren’t happy.

  Honestly, I don’t see how this guy still has a JOB.

  But I guess as long as people like my parents tune

  in every night, he’s not going ANYWHERE.

  90

  I couldn’t find one of my gloves this morning,

  so I looked for a replacement. I was already

  running late, so the best I could come up with

  was a puppet Mom bought to try and get me to

  eat healthy food when I was younger.

  I guess Mom thought that if Mr. Morsels liked

  vegetables, then I would, too. But I used Mr.

  Morsels to eat MY vegetables, and when I found

  him today in the closet, he still had stains on

  his face from the peas I wouldn’t touch in the

  second grade.

  91

  I know it’s kind of ridiculous to wear a puppet

  as a glove, and I MOSTLY remembered to keep

  that thing tucked in my coat pocket on the walk

  to school.

  But when Cassie Drench rode by in her mom’s

  car, I TOTALLY forgot Mr. Morsels was still

  on my hand.

  Speaking of GIRLS, there’s been a BIG change

  to the Safety Patrols in the past few weeks.