Dog Days (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 4) Read online

  I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

  When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at

  the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a

  device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

  What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been

  seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a

  Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the

  whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience

  is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's

  breakfast staining the pages.

  Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your

  Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as

  much fun reading it as I did writing it.

  Jeff Kinney

  June

  Friday

  For me, summer vacation is basically a three-month

  guilt trip.

  Just because the weather’s nice, everyone expects

  you to be outside all day “frolicking” or whatever.

  And if you don’t spend every second outdoors,

  people think there’s something wrong with you.

  But the truth is, I’ve always been more of an

  indoor person.

  The way I like to spend my summer vacation is in

  front of the tv, playing video games with the

  curtains closed and the lights turned off.

  chips

  Unfortunately, Mom’s idea of the perfect summer

  vacation is different from mine.

  you should really

  let some sunlight

  in here …

  hisssss!

  yank

  chips

  Mom says it’s not “natural” for a kid to stay

  indoors when it’s sunny out. I tell her that I’m

  just trying to protect my skin so I don’t look

  all wrinkly when I’m old like her, but she doesn’t

  want to hear it.

  Mom keeps trying to get me to do something

  outside, like go to the pool. But I spent the

  first part of the summer at my friend Rowley’s

  pool, and that didn’t work out so good.

  2

  Rowley’s family belongs to a country club, and

  when school let out for the summer, we were

  going there every single day.

  Then we made the mistake of inviting this girl

  named Trista who just moved into our neighborhood.

  I thought it would be really nice of us to share our

  country club lifestyle with her. But five seconds

  after we got to the pool, she met some lifeguard

  and forgot all about the guys who invited her there.

  3

  The lesson I learned is that some people won’t

  think twice about using you, especially when

  there’s a country club involved.

  Me and Rowley were better off without a girl

  hanging around, anyway. We’re both bachelors at

  the moment, and during the summer it’s better

  to be unattached.

  hel-lo,

  ladies!

  hot tub for

  adult use only

  A few days ago I noticed the quality of service

  at the country club was starting to go down a

  little. Like sometimes the temperature in the

  sauna was a few degrees too hot, and one time

  the poolside waiter forgot to put one of those

  little umbrellas in my fruit smoothie.

  4

  I reported all my complaints to Rowley’s dad.

  But for some reason Mr. Jefferson never passed

  them on to the clubhouse manager.

  Which is kind of weird. If it was me who was

  paying for a country club membership, I’d want

  to make sure I was getting my money’s worth.

  Anyway, a little while later Rowley told me he

  wasn’t allowed to invite me to his pool anymore,

  which is fine with me. I’m much happier inside

  my air-conditioned house, where I don’t have to

  check my soda can for bees every time I go to

  take a sip.

  5

  Saturday

  Like I said, Mom keeps trying to get me to go to

  the pool with her and my little brother, Manny,

  but the thing is, my family belongs to the town

  pool, not the country club. And once you’ve tasted

  the country club life, it’s hard to go back to being

  an ordinary Joe at the town pool.

  snack

  bar

  trash

  Besides, last year I swore to myself that I

  would never go back to that place again. At the

  town pool you have to go through the locker

  room before you can go swimming, and that means

  walking through the shower area, where grown

  men are soaping down right out in the open.

  6

  The first time I walked through the men’s

  locker room at the town pool was one of the

  most traumatic experiences of my life.

  patrons

  must

  shower

  before

  entering

  pool

  I’m probably lucky I didn’t go blind. Seriously,

  I don’t see why Mom and Dad bother to try

  and protect me from horror movies and stuff like

  that if they’re gonna expose me to something

  about a thousand times worse.

  I really wish Mom would stop asking me to go to

  the town pool, because every time she does, it

  puts images in my mind that I’ve been trying

  hard to forget.

  7

  Sunday

  Well, now I’m Definitely staying indoors

  for the rest of the summer. Mom had a “house

  meeting” last night and said money is tight this

  year and we can’t afford to go to the beach,

  which means no family vacation.

  that really stinks. I was actually looking

  forward to going to the beach this summer.

  Not because I like the ocean and the sand and

  all of that, because I don’t. I realized a long

  time ago that all the world’s fish and turtles and

  whales go to the bathroom right there in the

  ocean. And I seem to be the only person who’s bothered by this.

  8

  My brother Rodrick likes to tease me because he

  thinks I’m afraid of the waves. But I’m telling

  you, that’s not it at all.

  scream!!!

  splish

  Anyway, I was looking forward to going to the

  beach because I’m finally tall enough to go on the

  Cranium Shaker, which is this really awesome ride

  that’s on the boardwalk. Rodrick’s been on the

  Cranium Shaker at least a hundred times, and he

  says you can’t call yourself a man until you ride it.

  9

  Mom said maybe if we “save our pennies” we can go

  back to the beach next year. Then she said we’d

  still do a lot of fun stuff as a family and one day

  we’ll look back on this as the
“best summer ever.”

  Well, now I only have two things to look forward

  to this summer. One is my birthday, and the

  other is when the last “Li’l Cutie” comic runs in

  the paper. I don’t know if I ever mentioned

  this before, but “Li’l Cutie” is the worst comic

  ever. To give you an idea of what I’m talking

  about, here’s what ran in the paper today —

  Daddy, is rain just God sweating?

  10

  But here’s the thing: Even though I hate “Li’l

  Cutie,” I can’t stop myself from reading it, and

  Dad can’t, either. I guess we just like seeing

  how bad it is.

  look at

  this

  garbage!

  gimme

  that!

  “Li’l Cutie” has been around for at least thirty

  years, and it’s written by this guy named Bob

  Post. I’ve heard Li’l Cutie is based on Bob’s son

  when he was a little kid.

  If I eat this

  gween bean,

  will its

  mommy and

  daddy be sad?

  ka-ching!

  11

  But I guess now that the real Li’l Cutie is all

  grown up, his dad’s having trouble coming up with

  new material.

  shake

  shake

  A couple of weeks ago the newspaper announced

  that Bob Post is retiring and the final “Li’l Cutie”

  is gonna be printed in August. Ever since then me

  and Dad have been counting down the days until

  the last comic runs.

  june

  When the last “Li’l Cutie” comes out, me and Dad

  will have to throw a party, because something like

  that deserves a serious celebration.

  12

  Monday

  Even though me and Dad see eye to eye on “Li’l

  Cutie,” there are still a lot of things we butt

  heads over. The big issue between us right now is

  my sleep schedule. During the summer I like to

  stay up all night watching tv or playing video

  games and then sleep through the morning. But

  Dad gets kind of crabby if I’m still in bed when

  he gets home from work.

  zzzzz

  Lately, Dad’s been calling me at noon to make sure

  I’m not still asleep. So I keep a phone by my bed

  and use my best wide-awake voice when he calls.

  I think Dad’s jealous because he has to go to

  work while the rest of us get to kick back and

  take it easy every day.

  13

  But if he’s gonna be all grumpy about it, he

  should just become a teacher or a snowplow

  driver or have one of those jobs where you get

  to take summers off.

  Mom’s not really helping improve Dad’s mood,

  either. She calls him at work about five times a

  day with updates on everything that’s going on

  around the house.

  guess what manny

  did in the potty

  today? guess! guess!

  Tuesday

  Dad got Mom a new camera for Mother’s Day,

  and lately she’s been taking lots of pictures. I

  think it’s because she feels guilty about not

  keeping up on the family photo albums.

  14

  When my older brother, Rodrick, was a baby,

  Mom was totally on top of things.

  Rodrick’s first

  time trying peas

  Rodrick’s second

  time trying peas

  Rodrick’s first

  steps

  Kaboom!

  Once I came along I guess Mom got busy, so

  from that point on there are a lot of gaps in

  our official family history.

  15

  welcome Gregory

  to the world

  Taking Gregory home

  from the hospital

  Gregory’s 6th

  birthday party

  Gregory’s first

  day of middle school

  I’ve learned that photo albums aren’t an accurate

  record of what happened in your life, anyway.

  Last year when we were at the beach, Mom

  bought a bunch of fancy seashells at a gift shop,

  and later on I saw her bury them in the sand

  for Manny to “discover.”

  16

  look at what

  you found,

  manny!

  snap

  Well, I wish I didn’t see that, because it made

  me re-evaluate my whole childhood.

  Gregory really “digs” seashells!

  Today Mom said I was looking “shaggy,” so she

  told me she was taking me to get a haircut.

  17

  But I never would’ve agreed to get my hair cut if

  I knew that Mom was taking me to Bombshells

  Beauty Salon, which is where Mom and Gramma

  get their hair cut.

  beauty

  n

  I have to say, though, the whole beauty salon

  experience wasn’t that bad. First of all, they

  have tvs all over the place, so you can watch a

  show while you’re waiting to get your hair cut.

  Second, they have lots of tabloids, those newspapers you see in the checkout lines at grocery stores. Mom

  says tabloids are full of lies, but I think there’s

  some really important stuff in those things.

  18

  Miracle Pill to

  Make you

  97% Smarter

  Books, Libraries to

  Become Extinct

  Gramma is always buying tabloids, even though

  Mom doesn’t approve. A few weeks ago Gramma

  wasn’t answering her phone, so Mom got worried

  and drove over to Gramma’s to see if she was ok.

  Gramma was fine, but she wasn’t picking up her

  phone because of something she read.

  cordless telephones

  erase the memory of

  the elderly.

  19

  But when Mom asked Gramma where she got her

  information, Gramma said —

  Um…the new

  york times.

  Gramma’s dog, Henry, died recently, and ever since

  then Gramma has had a lot of time on her hands.

  So Mom’s dealing with stuff like the cordless phone

  thing a lot these days.

  Whenever Mom finds any tabloids at Gramma’s

  house, she takes them home and throws them in

  the garbage. Last week I fished one out of the

  trash and read it in my bedroom.

  I’m glad I did. I found out that North America

  will be underwater within six months, so that kind

  of takes the pressure off me to do well in school.

  20

  I had a long wait at the beauty salon, but I

  didn’t really mind. I got to read my horoscope

  and look at pictures of movie stars without their

  makeup, so I was definitely entertained.

  When I got my hair cut, I found out the best

  thing about the beauty salon, which is the gossip.

  The ladies who work there know the dirt on just

  about everyone in town.

  …and then marlene says to

  vanessa, “if you’re gonna get

  up in my face, you’d better be

  ready to back it up ! ”

  mm mm

  mm.

  Unfortunately, Mom came to pick me
up right in

  the middle of a story about Mr. Peppers and his

  new wife, who’s twenty years younger than him.

  21

  Hopefully my hair will grow out fast so I can

  come back and hear the rest of the story.

  Friday

  I think Mom’s starting to regret taking me to

  get my hair cut the other day. The ladies at

  Bombshells introduced me to soap operas, and now

  I’m totally hooked.

  but marissa…

  I…I love

  you!

  girlfriend,

  you can do so

  much better

  than him!

  Yesterday I was in the middle of my show,

  and Mom told me I had to turn off the tv

  and find something else to do. I could tell

  there was no use arguing with her, so I called

  Rowley and invited him over.

  22

  When Rowley got to my house, we went straight

  to Rodrick’s room in the basement. Rodrick is

  off playing with his band, Löded Diper, and

  whenever he’s away I like to go through his

  stuff and see if I can find anything interesting.

  The best thing I found in Rodrick’s junk drawer

  this time around was one of those little souvenir

  picture keychains you get at the beach.

  summer

  memories

  23

  If you look into it, you see a picture of Rodrick

  with some girl.

  I don’t know how Rodrick got that picture,

  because I’ve been with him on every single family

  vacation, and if I saw him with that girl, I

  definitely would have remembered her.

  I showed the picture to Rowley, but I had to hold

  the keychain because he was getting all grabby.

  24

  We dug around some more, and then we found a

  horror movie at the bottom of Rodrick’s drawer.

  I couldn’t believe our luck. Neither one of us had

  actually seen a horror movie before, so this was a

  really big find.

  HELLO,

  YOU’RE

  DEAD

  I asked Mom if Rowley could spend the night,

  and she said yes. I made sure I asked Mom when