Rodrick Rules (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 2) Read online

  I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

  When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at

  the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a

  device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

  What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been

  seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a

  Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the

  whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience

  is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's

  breakfast staining the pages.

  Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your

  Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as

  much fun reading it as I did writing it.

  Jeff Kinney

  september

  Monday

  I guess Mom was pretty proud of herself for

  making me write in that journal last year, because

  now she went and bought me another one.

  But remember how I said that if some jerk

  caught me carrying a book with “diary” on the

  cover they were gonna get the wrong idea?

  Well, that’s exactly what happened today.

  Now that Rodrick knows I have another journal,

  I better remember to keep this one locked up.

  Rodrick actually got ahold of my last journal

  a few weeks back, and it was a disaster. But

  don’t even get me started on that story.

  Sissy!

  Punch

  My brother Rodrick

  Even without my Rodrick problems, my summer

  was pretty lousy.

  Our family didn’t go anywhere or do anything

  fun, and that’s Dad’s fault. Dad made me join

  the swim team again, and he wanted to make sure

  I didn’t miss any meets this year.

  Dad’s got this idea that I’m destined to be a

  great swimmer or something, so that’s why he

  makes me join the team every summer.

  Kill 'em

  Brandon!

  No

  mercy,

  Todd!

  Stop

  shivering,

  Greg!

  chatter

  chatter

  2

  At my first swim meet a couple of years ago,

  Dad told me that when the umpire shot off the

  starter pistol, I was supposed to dive in and

  start swimming.

  But what he didn’t tell me was that the starter

  gun only fired blanks.

  So I was a whole lot more worried about where the

  bullet was gonna land than I was about getting

  myself to the other end of the pool.

  3

  Even after Dad explained the whole “starter

  pistol” concept to me, I was still the worst

  swimmer on the team.

  But I did end up winning “Most Improved” at

  the awards banquet at the end of the summer.

  That’s only because there was a ten-minute

  difference between my first race and my last one.

  So I guess Dad’s still waiting for me to live up

  to my potential.

  In a lot of ways, being on the swim team was

  worse than being in middle school.

  First of all, we had to be at the pool by 7:30

  every morning, and the water was always

  freezing cold.

  pat

  pat

  4

  And second of all, we were all crammed into two

  lanes, so I always had somebody on my tail trying

  to get around me.

  The reason we had to use two lanes was because

  swim practice was at the same time as the Water

  Jazz class.

  I actually tried to convince Dad to let me do

  Water Jazz instead of swim team, but he wouldn't

  go for it.

  splish

  tap

  tap

  Come on,

  ladies! Get

  those arms up!

  5

  This was the first summer the coach let us boys

  wear swim trunks instead of those skimpy racing

  trunks. But Mom said Rodrick’s hand-me-down

  bathing suit was “perfectly fine.”

  After swim practice, Rodrick would pick me up in

  his band’s van. Mom had this crazy idea that if

  me and Rodrick spent “quality time” on the ride

  home every day, we wouldn’t fight as much. But

  all it did was make things a lot worse.

  Rodrick was always a half hour late picking me up.

  Ha ha

  ha!

  Your friends

  will be

  jealous

  because

  you'll be

  so fast!

  Ha ha

  ha!

  6

  And he wouldn’t let me sit up front. He said the

  chlorine would ruin his seat, even though the van is

  something like fifteen years old.

  Rodrick’s van doesn’t actually have any seats in

  the back, so I had to squeeze in with all the

  band equipment. And every time the van came to

  a stop, I had to pray I didn’t get my head

  taken off by one of Rodrick’s drums.

  Get in

  the back.

  GAAAH!

  slide

  7

  I ended up walking home every day instead of

  getting a ride from Rodrick. I figured it was

  better to just walk the two miles than to get

  brain damage riding in the back of that van.

  Halfway through the summer, I decided I was

  pretty much done with swim team. So I came up

  with a trick to get out of practice.

  I’d swim a few laps, and then I’d ask the coach

  if I could use the bathroom. Then I’d just hide

  out in the locker room until practice was over.

  The only problem with my plan was that it was

  something like forty degrees in the boys’ bathroom.

  So it was even colder in there than it was in

  the pool.

  8

  I had to wrap myself up in toilet paper so I

  didn't get hypothermia.

  That’s how I spent a pretty big chunk of my

  summer vacation. And that’s why I’m actually looking

  forward to going back to school tomorrow.

  Tuesday

  When I got to school today, everybody was

  acting all strange around me, and at first I

  didn’t know what was up.

  scream!

  scream!

  9

  Then I remembered: I still had the Cheese Touch

  from last year. I got the Cheese Touch in

  the last week of school, and over the summer I

  completely forgot about it.

  The problem with the Cheese Touch is that you’ve

  got it until you can pass it on to someone else.

  But nobody would even get within thirty feet of

  me, so I knew I was gonna be stuck with the

  Cheese Touch for the whole school year.

  Luckily, there was a new kid named Jeremy Pindle


  in homeroom, so that took care of that problem.

  My first class was Pre-Algebra, and the teacher

  put me right next to Alex Aruda, the smartest

  kid in the whole class.

  Welcome to our

  school, Jeremy!

  slap

  10

  Alex is super easy to copy off of, because he

  always finishes his test early and puts his paper

  down on the floor next to him. So if I ever

  get in a pinch, it’s nice to know I can count

  on Alex to bail me out.

  Kids whose last names start with the first few

  letters of the alphabet get called on the most

  by the teacher, and that's why they end up

  being the smartest.

  Some people think that’s not true, but if you

  want to come down to my school, I can prove it.

  I can only think of one kid who broke the

  last-name rule, and that's Peter Uteger. Peter

  was the smartest kid in the class all the way up

  until the fifth grade.

  11

  That's when a bunch of us started giving him a

  hard time about how his initials sounded when you

  said them out loud.

  These days, Peter doesn't raise his hand at all,

  and he’s pretty much a C student.

  I guess I feel a little bad about the whole P.U.

  thing and what happened to Peter. But it's hard

  not to take credit whenever it comes up.

  Teacher,

  the answer

  to that

  question

  is...

  P.U.!

  P.U.!

  Yeah!

  P.U.! P.U.!

  I started

  that.

  12

  Anyway, today I got pretty decent seats in all

  my classes except seventh-period History. My

  teacher is Mr. Huff, and something tells me he

  had Rodrick as a student a few years back.

  Wednesday

  Mom has been making me and Rodrick help out

  more around the house, and now the two of us

  are responsible for doing the dishes every night.

  The rule is that we're not allowed to watch any

  tv or play video games until all the dishes are

  done. But let me just say that Rodrick is the

  worst dishes partner in the world.

  Mr. Heffley, you'll be

  sitting in this chair

  next to my desk.

  13

  As soon as dinner is over, he goes upstairs to the

  bathroom and camps out there for an hour. And

  by the time he comes back downstairs, I'm

  already done.

  But if I ever complain to Mom and Dad, Rodrick

  always pulls out the same lame excuse:

  I think Mom and Dad are too worried about my

  little brother, Manny, to get involved in a fight

  between me and Rodrick right now anyway.

  I'm ready

  to start!

  My body

  is on a

  schedule.

  14

  Yesterday, Manny drew a picture at day care,

  and Mom and Dad got really upset when they

  found it in his backpack.

  Mom and Dad thought the picture was supposed

  to be of them, so now they’re acting all lovey

  in front of Manny.

  I knew who it was really supposed to be in

  the picture: me and Rodrick.

  I love

  you

  soooo

  much!

  And I

  love

  you

  so much!

  15

  We got into a big blowout over the remote control

  the other night, and Manny was there to witness

  the whole thing. But Mom and Dad don’t need to

  find out about that.

  Thursday

  Another reason my summer was kind of lame was

  because my best friend, Rowley, was on vacation

  pretty much the whole time. I think he went to

  South America or something, but to be honest

  with you, I'm not really sure.

  I don’t know if this makes me a bad person or

  whatever, but it’s hard for me to get interested

  in other people’s vacations.

  And then we're

  gonna get on a

  boat and cruise

  down this river

  mm hmm ... Hey,

  have you ever

  noticed this

  freckle before?

  16

  Besides, it seems like Rowley's family is always

  traveling to some crazy place in the world, and

  I can never keep their trips straight.

  The other reason I don’t care about Rowley’s trips

  is because whenever Rowley comes back from one of

  his vacations, he always crams it down my throat.

  Last year, Rowley and his family went to Australia

  for ten days, but from the way he acted when he

  got back, you'd think he lived there his whole life.

  Another thing that's really annoying is that

  whenever Rowley goes to some new country, he

  gets into whatever fad is going on over there.

  G'day,

  mate!

  17

  Like when Rowley got back from Europe two

  years ago, he got hooked on this pop singer

  named “Joshie,” who I guess is some huge star

  or something. So Rowley came back with his bags

  full of Joshie cds and posters and stuff.

  I took one look at the picture on the cd and

  told Rowley that Joshie was supposed to be for

  six-year-old girls, but he didn’t believe me.

  Rowley said I was just jealous because he was

  the one who “discovered” Joshie.

  And what made it really irritating was that now

  this guy was Rowley’s new hero. So if I ever

  tried to say anything critical at all, Rowley didn’t

  want to hear it.

  wild

  animal

  heart

  18

  Speaking of foreign countries, today in French

  class, Madame Lefrere told us we’re going to be

  choosing pen pals this year.

  When Rodrick was in middle school, he had a

  seventeen-year-old girl from Holland as his pen

  pal. I know because I’ve seen the letters in his

  junk drawer.

  Joshie says you

  should respect your

  parents and follow

  your dreams!

  I like the

  sunshiny

  days &

  ice cream.

  Do you, too?

  19

  When Madame Lefrere handed out the forms, I

  made sure I checked off the boxes that would

  get me a pen pal just like Rodrick's.

  But after Madame Lefrere read over my form, she

  made me start over and pick again. She said I

  had to choose a boy who is my age, and he has

  to be French. So I don't exactly have high

  hopes for my pen-pal experience.

  Friday

  Mom decided to start making Rodrick pick me up

  after school, just like he picked me up after swim

  practice. I guess that means she didn’t learn

  from that experience. But I did. So when

  Rodrick picked me up today, I asked him to

  please take it easy on the brakes.

  Je m'appelle

  "Philippe."

  20r />
  Rodrick said ok, but then he went out of his

  way to find every speed bump in town.

  When I got out of the van, I called Rodrick a

  big jerk, and then it got physical. Mom saw the

  whole thing unfold from the living room window.

  slow

  crash

  ouch

  bump

  21

  Mom made us come inside, and she sat us down at

  the kitchen table. Then she said me and Rodrick

  were going to have to settle our differences in a

  “civil manner.”

  Mom told me and Rodrick we each had to write

  down what we did wrong, and then we had to

  draw a picture to go along with it. And I knew

  exactly where Mom was going with that idea.

  Mom used to be a preschool teacher, and whenever

  a kid would do something wrong, she’d make him

  draw a picture of it. I guess the idea was to

  make the kid feel ashamed of what he did so he

  wouldn’t do it again.

  I will not break the

  crayons because that

  makes the other children

  very sad.

  22

  Well, Mom’s idea might have worked great on a

  bunch of four-year-olds, but she’s going to have