Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 1 Read online

  I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

  When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at

  the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a

  device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

  What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been

  seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a

  Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the

  whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience

  is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's

  breakfast staining the pages.

  Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your

  Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as

  much fun reading it as I did writing it.

  Jeff Kinney

  September

  Tuesday

  First of all, let me get something straight: This

  is a Journal, not a diary. I know what it

  says on the cover, but when Mom went out to

  buy this thing I specifically told her to

  get one that didn’t say “diary” on it.

  Great. All I need is for some jerk to catch me

  carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.

  The other thing I want to clear up right away

  is that this was mom’s idea, not mine.

  But if she thinks I’m going to write down my

  “feelings” in here or whatever, she’s crazy. So

  just don’t expect me to be all “Dear Diary” this

  and “Dear Diary” that.

  Sissy!

  Punch

  The only reason I agreed to do this at all is

  because I figure later on when I’m rich and

  famous, I’ll have better things to do than

  answer people’s stupid questions all day long. So

  this book is gonna come in handy.

  Like I said, I’ll be famous one day, but for now

  I’m stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.

  Gregory!

  tell us

  about

  your

  childhood!

  Were you

  always

  so smart

  and

  handsome?

  Here’s my

  journal.

  Now

  shoo,

  shoo.

  Flash

  Morons

  2

  Let me just say for the record that I think

  middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented.

  You got kids like me who haven’t hit their

  growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who

  need to shave twice a day.

  And then they wonder why bullying is such a big

  problem in middle school.

  If it was up to me, grade levels would be based

  on height, not age. But then again, I guess

  that would mean kids like Chirag Gupta would

  still be in the first grade.

  Outta my

  way, runts!

  3

  Today is the first day of school, and right now

  we’re just waiting around for the teacher to hurry

  up and finish the seating chart. So I figured I

  might as well write in this book to pass the time.

  By the way, let me give you some good advice. On

  the first day of school, you got to be real careful

  where you sit. You walk into the classroom and just

  plunk your stuff down on any old desk and the

  next thing you know the teacher is saying—

  So in this class, I got stuck with Chris Hosey in

  front of me and Lionel James in back of me.

  I hope you all like

  where you’re sitting,

  because these are your

  permanent seats.

  Gaah!

  4

  Jason Brill came in late and almost sat to my

  right, but luckily I stopped that from happening

  at the last second.

  Next period, I should just sit in the middle of a

  bunch of hot girls as soon as I step in the

  room. But I guess if I do that, it just proves

  I didn’t learn anything from last year.

  Is this

  seat

  taken?

  YES!

  YES!

  Greg, will

  you please

  pass this

  note to

  shelly?

  Why,

  certainly!

  heh, heh.

  Greg is

  a dork.

  5

  Man, I don’t know what is up with girls these

  days. It used to be a whole lot simpler back in

  elementary school. The deal was, if you were the

  fastest runner in your class, you got all the girls.

  And in the fifth grade, the fastest runner was

  Ronnie McCoy.

  Nowadays, it’s a whole lot more complicated. Now

  it’s about the kind of clothes you wear or how

  rich you are or if you have a cute butt or whatever.

  And kids like Ronnie McCoy are scratching their

  heads wondering what the heck happened.

  The most popular boy in my grade is Bryce

  Anderson. The thing that really stinks is that

  I have always been into girls, but kids like

  Bryce have only come around in the last couple

  of years.

  6

  I remember how Bryce used to act back in

  elementary school.

  But of course now I don’t get any credit for

  sticking with the girls all this time.

  Like I said, Bryce is the most popular kid in our

  grade, so that leaves all the rest of us guys

  scrambling for the other spots.

  The best I can figure is that I’m somewhere

  around 52nd or 53rd most popular this year.

  But the good news is that I’m about to move

  up one spot because Charlie Davies is above me,

  and he’s getting his braces next week.

  Girls are

  stinky

  poos!

  Yeah!

  I don’t think

  girls are

  stinky poos!

  7

  I try to explain all this popularity stuff to my

  friend Rowley (who is probably hovering right

  around the 150 mark, by the way), but I think

  it just goes in one ear and out the other with him.

  Today we had Phys Ed, so the first thing I

  did when I got outside was sneak off to the

  basketball court to see if the Cheese was still

  there. And sure enough, it was.

  Wednesday

  8

  That piece of Cheese has been sitting on the

  blacktop since last spring. I guess it must’ve

  dropped out of someone’s sandwich or something.

  After a couple of days, the Cheese started getting

  all moldy and nasty. Nobody would play basketball on

  the court where the Cheese was, even though that

  was the only court that had a hoop with a net.

  Then one day, this kid named Darren Walsh

  touched the Cheese with his finger, and that’s

  what started this thing called the Cheese Touch.


  It’s basically like the Cooties. If you get the

  Cheese Touch, you’re stuck with it until you

  pass it on to someone else.

  The only way to protect yourself from the

  Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers.

  Scream!

  9

  But it’s not that easy remembering to keep your

  fingers crossed every moment of the day. I ended

  up taping mine together so they’d stay crossed

  all the time. I got a D in handwriting, but it

  was totally worth it.

  This one kid named Abe Hall got the Cheese

  Touch in April, and nobody would even come near

  him for the rest of the year. This summer Abe

  moved away to California and took the Cheese

  Touch with him.

  I just hope someone doesn’t start the Cheese

  Touch up again, because I don’t need that kind

  of stress in my life anymore.

  I’m having a seriously hard time getting used

  to the fact that summer is over and I have to

  get out of bed every morning to go to school.

  My summer did not exactly get off to a great

  start, thanks to my older brother Rodrick.

  Thursday

  10

  A couple of days into summer vacation, Rodrick

  woke me up in the middle of the night. He told

  me I slept through the whole summer, but that

  luckily I woke up just in time for the first

  day of school.

  You might think I was pretty dumb for falling

  for that one, but Rodrick was dressed up in his

  school clothes and he set my alarm clock ahead to

  make it look like it was the morning. Plus, he

  closed my curtains so I couldn’t see that it was

  still dark out.

  After Rodrick woke me up, I just got dressed and

  went downstairs to make myself some breakfast,

  like I do every morning on a school day.

  Shoot.

  11

  But I guess I must have made a pretty big

  racket because the next thing I knew, Dad was

  downstairs, yelling at me for eating Cheerios at

  3:00 in the morning.

  It took me a minute to figure out what the heck

  was going on.

  After I did, I told Dad that Rodrick had

  played a trick on me, and He was the one that

  should be getting yelled at.

  Dad walked down to the basement to chew

  Rodrick out, and I tagged along. I couldn’t

  wait to see Rodrick get what was coming to him.

  12

  But Rodrick covered up his tracks pretty good.

  And to this day, I’m sure Dad thinks I’ve

  got a screw loose or something.

  Today at school we got assigned to reading groups.

  They don’t come right out and tell you if

  you’re in the Gifted group or the Easy group,

  but you can figure it out right away by looking

  at the covers of the books they hand out.

  Friday

  EINSTEIN

  AS A

  CHILD

  Bink

  SAYS

  BOO

  boo

  13

  I was pretty disappointed to find out I got

  put in the Gifted group, because that just means

  a lot of extra work.

  When they did the screening at the end of last

  year, I did my best to make sure I got put in

  the Easy group this year.

  Mom is real tight with our principal, so I’ll bet

  she stepped in and made sure I got put in the

  Gifted group again.

  Mom is always saying I’m a smart kid, but that

  I just don’t “apply” myself.

  Fred picked up

  the buh… bah…

  bee…

  The “book.”

  Whew.

  thanks!

  14

  But if there’s one thing I learned from Rodrick,

  it’s to set people’s expectations real low so you

  end up surprising them by practically doing

  nothing at all.

  Rodrick, I want your

  dirty underwear off

  the kitchen table

  before I get home

  from work.

  Grunt

  Later…

  15

  Actually, I’m kind of glad my plan to get put

  in the Easy group didn’t work.

  I saw a couple of the “Bink Says Boo” kids

  holding their books upside down, and I don’t

  think they were joking.

  Well, the first week of school is finally over, so

  today I slept in.

  Most kids wake up early on Saturday to watch

  cartoons or whatever, but not me. The only reason

  I get out of bed at all on weekends is because

  eventually, I can’t stand the taste of my own

  breath anymore.

  Saturday

  Smack

  smack

  16

  Unfortunately, Dad wakes up at 6:00 in the

  morning no matter what day of the week it

  is, and he is not real considerate of the fact

  that I am trying to enjoy my Saturday like

  a normal person.

  I didn’t have anything to do today so I just

  headed up to Rowley’s house.

  Rowley is technically my best friend, but that is

  definitely subject to change.

  I’ve been avoiding Rowley since the first day of

  school, when he did something that really

  annoyed me.

  Vroom

  17

  We were getting our stuff from our lockers at

  the end of the day, and Rowley came up to me

  and said—

  I have told Rowley at least a billion times that

  now that we’re in middle school, you’re supposed

  to say “hang out,” not “play.” But no matter

  how many noogies I give him, he always forgets

  the next time.

  I’ve been trying to be a lot more careful about

  my image ever since I got to middle school. But

  having Rowley around is definitely not helping.

  Want to come over

  to my house and

  Plaayyy?

  18

  I met Rowley a few years ago when he moved

  into my neighborhood.

  His mom bought him this book called “How to

  Make Friends in New Places,” and he came to

  my house trying all these dumb gimmicks.

  I guess I kind of felt sorry for Rowley, and I

  decided to take him under my wing.

  It’s been great having him around, mostly because

  I get to use all the tricks Rodrick pulls on me.

  Knock Knock!

  Thermos!

  Thermos be some

  way to tickle

  your funny bone!

  Huh?

  Excuse me?

  Say

  what?

  19

  Did you know that if your hand

  is bigger than your face it’s a

  sign of “low intelligence”?

  Really?

  Ha!

  gotcha!

  Whap!

  But do I

  have “low

  intelligence”?

  Hmm… Let

  me check

  again.

  20

  You know how I said I play all sorts of pranks

  on Rowley? Well, I have a little brother named

  Manny, and I coul
d never get away with

  pulling any of that stuff on him.

  Mom and Dad protect Manny like he’s a prince or

  something. And he never gets in trouble, even if

  he really deserves it.

  Yesterday, Manny drew a self-portrait on my

  bedroom door in permanent marker. I thought

  Mom and Dad were really going to let him have

  it, but as usual, I was wrong.

  Monday

  Awwww…

  21

  But the thing that bugs me the most about

  Manny is the nickname he has for me. When he

  was a baby, he couldn’t pronounce “brother,”

  so he started calling me “Bubby.” And he

  still calls me that now, even though I keep

  trying to get Mom and Dad to make him stop.

  Luckily none of my friends have found out yet,

  but believe me, I have had some really close calls.

  Happy birthday, Greg

  Hey, this one

  says it’s to

  “bubby”!

  Must be

  a mistake.

  toss

  22

  Mom makes me help Manny get ready for school in

  the morning. After I make Manny his breakfast,

  he carries his cereal bowl into the family room and

  sits on his plastic potty.

  And when it’s time for him to go to day care, he

  gets up and dumps whatever he didn’t eat right in

  the toilet.

  Mom is always getting on me about not finishing

  my breakfast. But if she had to scrape corn

  flakes out of the bottom of a plastic potty

  every morning, she wouldn’t have much of an

  appetite either.

  “C” is for cookie

  and cookie is

  for me!

  Ha!

  Dump

  23

  I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I

  am super good at video games. I’ll bet I

  could beat anyone in my grade head-to-head.

  Unfortunately, Dad does not exactly appreciate

  my skills. He’s always getting on me about going

  out and doing something “active.”

  So tonight after dinner when Dad started

  hassling me about going outside, I tried to

  explain how with video games, you can play sports

  like football and soccer, and you don’t even get all