The Last Straw (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 3) Read online

  I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

  When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at

  the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a

  device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

  What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been

  seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a

  Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the

  whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience

  is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's

  breakfast staining the pages.

  Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your

  Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as

  much fun reading it as I did writing it.

  Jeff Kinney

  January

  New Year’s Day

  You know how you’re supposed to come up with a

  list of “resolutions” at the beginning of the year

  to try to make yourself a better person?

  Well, the problem is, it’s not easy for me to think

  of ways to improve myself, because I’m already

  pretty much one of the best people I know.

  So this year my resolution is to try and help

  other people improve. But the thing I’m

  finding out is that some people don’t really

  appreciate it when you’re trying to be helpful.

  I think you should

  work on chewing

  your potato chips

  more quietly.

  chew

  chew

  One thing I noticed right off the bat is that

  the people in my family are doing a lousy job

  sticking to their New Year’s resolutions.

  Mom said she was gonna start going to the

  gym today, but she spent the whole afternoon

  watching TV.

  And Dad said he was gonna go on a strict diet,

  but after dinner I caught him out in the

  garage, stuffing his face with brownies.

  Slork

  Slork

  Even my little brother, Manny, couldn’t stick

  with his resolution.

  2

  This morning he told everyone that he’s a “big boy”

  and he’s giving up his pacifier for good. Then he

  threw his favorite binkie in the trash.

  Clap

  clap

  Clap

  clap

  Well, that New Year’s resolution didn’t even

  last a full minute.

  suck

  suck

  suck

  The only person in my family who didn’t come up

  with a resolution is my older brother, Rodrick,

  and that’s a pity because his list should be about

  a mile and a half long.

  3

  So I decided to come up with a program to help

  Rodrick be a better person. I called my plan

  “Three Strikes and You’re Out.” The basic idea

  was that every time I saw Rodrick messing up,

  I’d mark a little “X” on his chart.

  Well, Rodrick got all three strikes before I even

  had a chance to decide what “You’re Out” meant.

  punch

  punch

  punch

  Anyway, I’m starting to wonder if I should just

  bag my resolution, too. It’s a lot of work, and

  so far I haven’t really made any progress.

  Besides, after I reminded Mom for like the billionth

  time to stop chewing her potato chips so loud, she

  made a really good point. She said, “Everyone

  can’t be as perfect as You, Gregory.” And

  from what I’ve seen so far, I think she’s right.

  4

  Thursday

  Dad is giving this diet thing another try, and

  that’s bad news for me. He’s gone about three

  days without eating any chocolate, and he’s been

  super cranky.

  The other day, after Dad woke me up and told

  me to get ready for school, I accidentally fell

  back asleep. Believe me, that’s the last time I’ll

  make that mistake.

  Wake up!!!

  yank

  Part of the problem is that Dad always wakes me

  up before Mom’s out of the shower, so I know

  that I still have like ten more minutes before I

  need to get out of bed for real.

  5

  Yesterday I came up with a pretty good way to

  get some extra sleep time without making Dad

  mad. After he woke me up, I took all of my

  blankets down the hall with me and waited outside

  the bathroom for my turn in the shower.

  Then I lay down right on top of the heater vent.

  And when the furnace was blowing, the experience

  was even Better than being in bed.

  AAAAAAAH!

  FWOOSH

  The problem was, the heat only stayed on for

  about five minutes at a time. So when the furnace

  wasn’t running, I was just lying there on this

  cold piece of metal.

  CHATTER

  CHATTER

  CHATTER

  6

  This morning, while I was waiting for Mom to be

  done with her shower, I remembered someone gave

  her a bathrobe for Christmas. So I went into her

  closet and got it.

  Let me just say that was one of the smartest

  moves I’ve ever made. Wearing that thing was like

  being wrapped in a big, fluffy towel that just came

  out of the dryer.

  In fact, I liked it so much, I even wore it

  after my shower. I think Dad might’ve been

  jealous he didn’t come up with the robe idea first,

  because when I came to the kitchen table, he

  seemed extra-grumpy.

  Mornin’!

  7

  I tell you, women have the right idea with this

  bathrobe thing. Now I’m wondering what

  else I’m missing out on.

  I just wish I had asked for my own bathrobe

  for Christmas, because I’m sure Mom is gonna

  make me give hers back.

  I struck out on gifts again this year. I knew I

  was in for a rough day when I came downstairs

  on Christmas morning and the only presents in

  my stocking were a stick of deodorant and a

  “travel dictionary.”

  I guess once you’re in middle school, grown-ups

  decide you’re too old for toys or anything that’s

  actually fun.

  8

  But then they still expect you to be all excited

  when you open the lame gifts they get you.

  It’ll help you

  get a jump-start

  on Algebra!

  Math

  is

  rad

  Most of my gifts this year were books or clothes.

  The closest thing I got to a toy was a present

  from Uncle Charlie.

  When I unwrapped Uncle Charlie’s gift, I didn’t

  even know what it was supposed to be. It was

  this big plastic ri
ng with a net attached to it.

  9

  Uncle Charlie explained that it was a “Laundry

  Hoop” for my bedroom. He said I was supposed

  to hang the Laundry Hoop on the back of my

  door and it would make putting away my dirty

  clothes “fun.”

  Toss

  At first I thought it was a joke, but then I

  realized Uncle Charlie was serious. So I had to

  explain to him that I don’t actually Do my

  own laundry.

  10

  I told him I just throw my dirty clothes on

  the floor, and Mom picks them up and takes

  them downstairs to the laundry room.

  Then a few days later, everything comes back

  to me in nice, folded piles.

  I told Uncle Charlie he should just return the

  Laundry Hoop and give me cash so I could buy

  something I’d actually use.

  That’s when Mom spoke up. She told Uncle

  Charlie she thought the Laundry Hoop was a

  great idea.

  11

  Then she said that from now on I’d be doing my

  own laundry. So basically, it ends up that

  Uncle Charlie got me a chore for Christmas.

  It really stinks that I got such crummy gifts

  this year. I put in a lot of effort buttering

  people up for the past few months, and I

  thought it would pay off on Christmas.

  Now that I’m responsible for my own laundry, I

  guess I’m kind of glad I got a bunch of clothes.

  I might actually make it through the whole school

  year before I run out of clean stuff to wear.

  12

  Monday

  When me and Rowley got to our bus stop today,

  we found a nasty surprise. There was a piece

  of paper taped to our street sign, and it said

  that, effective today, our bus route was “rezoned.”

  And what that means is now we have to walk

  to school.

  Well, I’d like to talk to the genius who came up

  with that idea, because our street is almost a

  quarter of a mile from the school.

  Me and Rowley had to run to make it to school

  on time today. And what really stunk was

  when our regular bus passed us by and it was full

  of kids from Whirley Street, the neighborhood

  right next to ours.

  13

  The Whirley Street kids made monkey noises when

  they passed us, which was really annoying because

  that’s exactly what we used to do when we

  passed them.

  Ooh ooh!

  eee eee!

  pant

  pant

  I’ll tell you one reason it’s a bad idea to make

  kids walk to school. These days, teachers give you

  so much homework that, with all the books and

  papers you have to carry home, your backpack

  ends up weighing like a hundred pounds.

  And if you want to see what kind of an effect

  that has on kids over time, all you have to do is

  look at Rodrick and some of his friends.

  14

  Speaking of teenagers, Dad scored a pretty

  big victory today. The baddest teenager in our

  neighborhood is this kid named Lenwood Heath,

  and he’s kind of like Dad’s archenemy. Dad has

  probably called the cops on Lenwood Heath about

  fifty times.

  Dag nab you

  rotten

  teenagers!

  clang

  I guess Lenwood’s parents got sick of his act,

  because they sent him off to military academy.

  15

  You’d think that would’ve made Dad pretty

  happy, but I don’t think he’ll be satisfied until

  every teenager on the planet gets sent off to

  juvenile hall or Alcatraz or something. And that

  includes Rodrick.

  Yesterday Mom and Dad gave Rodrick some money

  to buy books so he could study for the sats, but

  Rodrick spent the money on a tattoo instead.

  LÖDED

  DIPER

  I’ve still got a little time before I turn into a

  teenager. But the minute I do, I guarantee you

  Dad will be looking for the first chance to ship

  me out.

  Monday

  For the past week or so, Manny has been getting

  out of bed every night and coming downstairs.

  16

  Instead of putting him right back to bed, Mom

  lets Manny sit with us and watch TV.

  Hi!

  It’s really not fair, because when Manny is with

  us, I’m not allowed to watch any of the shows

  I like.

  All I can say is, when I was a kid there wasn’t

  any of this “getting out of bed” stuff. I did it

  once or twice, but Dad put a stop to it real quick.

  There was this book Dad used to read to me every

  night called “The Giving Tree.” It was a really

  good book, but the back of it had a picture of

  the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.

  17

  But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a

  pirate than a guy who should be writing books

  for kids.

  Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked

  me out, because one night after I got out of bed,

  Dad said —

  If you get out of

  bed again tonight,

  you’ll probably

  run into shel

  silverstein in the

  Hallway.

  The giving tree

  18

  That really did the trick. Ever since then, I

  still don’t get out of bed at night, even if I

  really need to use the bathroom.

  I don’t think Mom and Dad read Manny any

  Shel Silverstein books, which probably explains why

  he keeps getting up after they put him to bed.

  I’ve heard some of the stories Mom and Dad read

  to Manny, and let me just say that the people

  who write these books really have a racket going.

  First of all, there are hardly any words in them,

  so I’m sure it only takes about five seconds to

  write one.

  Silly bear yawning,

  silly bear sad.

  Silly bear sleeping,

  silly bear glad!

  The End.

  19

  I told Mom what I thought of Manny’s books,

  and she said that if they were so easy to write,

  then I should try writing one myself.

  So that’s exactly what I did. Trust me, it wasn’t

  hard, either. All you have to do is make up a

  character with a snappy name, and then make

  sure the character learns a lesson at the end of

  the book.

  Now all I need to do is mail this thing off to

  a publisher and wait for the money to start

  rolling in.

  Wise Up,

  Mr. Shropsharp!

  by Greg Heffley

  20

  Once upon a

  time there was

  this man named

  Mr. Shropsharp

  who thought all

  these crazy

  thoughts.

  I don’t know

  much, but I do

  know one thing:

  Polar Bears are

  some useless

  animals.

  One day Mr.

  Shrop
sharp took

  a ride in his car.

  Here I

  go…

  But then…

  oops.

  And

  then…

  Mr. Shropsharp, you would

  have drowned, but luckily

  tobuk here was sitting on

  an iceberg, and he saved

  your life.

  And

  so…

  Before, I said that Polar

  Bears are some useless

  animals, but now I can see

  that not every Polar Bear

  is so useless after all.

  THE END

  See what I mean? The only thing I noticed

  after I finished the book was that I forgot to

  make it rhyme. But the publisher is gonna have

  to pay me extra if they want that.

  22

  Saturday

  Well, after spending the last two weeks walking

  to school, I was really looking forward to kicking

  back and doing nothing for two days.

  The problem with watching TV on a Saturday is

  that the only thing that’s on is bowling or golf.

  Plus, the sun comes through our sliding glass window,

  and you can barely see the TV screen anyway.

  That’s a

  spare,

  dave!

  Today I wanted to change the channel, but

  the remote was on top of the coffee table. I

  was all comfortable, with my bowl of cereal in my

  lap, so I really didn’t want to get up.

  23

  I tried using the Force to make the remote

  levitate to me, even though I’ve tried it a million

  times before and it’s never worked once. Today I

  tried for about fifteen minutes and concentrated

  really hard, but no luck. I just wish I’d

  known that Dad was standing right behind me

  the whole time.

  UNH… UNH…

  UNH… UNH…

  Dad told me I was gonna have to go outside

  and get some exercise. I told Dad I exercise

  all the time and just this morning I used

  the bench press he got me.

  But I should have come up with something more

  believable, because it was pretty obvious that

  wasn’t true.

  24

  See, the reason Dad is on my case about exercise