The Ugly Truth (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 5) Read online

  I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

  When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at

  the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a

  device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

  What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been

  seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a

  Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the

  whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience

  is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's

  breakfast staining the pages.

  Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your

  Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as

  much fun reading it as I did writing it.

  Jeff Kinney

  September

  Thursday

  It’s been almost two and a half weeks since me

  and my ex-best friend, Rowley Jefferson, had our

  big fight. To be honest with you, I thought he

  would’ve come crawling back to me by now, but for

  some reason, that hasn’t happened.

  I’m actually starting to get a little concerned,

  because school starts back up in a few days, and

  if we’re gonna get this friendship back on track,

  something needs to happen quick. If me and Rowley

  really ARE through, that would stink, because

  the two of us had a pretty good thing going.

  Can I take a

  (pant, pant)

  rest break?

  It’s only,

  like, three

  more blocks!

  Now that our friendship is history, I’m in the

  market for a new best friend. The problem is, I

  invested all my time in Rowley, and I don’t have

  anyone lined up to take his place.

  The two best options I have at this point are

  Christopher Brownfield and Tyson Sanders. But

  each of those guys has his own issues.

  I hung out with Christopher for the last few

  weeks of the summer, mostly because he’s a really

  excellent mosquito magnet. But Christopher is more

  of a summertime friend than a school-year friend.

  Christopher

  Tyson

  Ouch!

  Swat

  2

  Tyson is nice enough, and we like the same video

  games. But he pulls his pants all the way down

  when he uses the urinal, and I don’t know if I

  can ever get past that.

  The only other kid my age who’s not paired up

  with someone is Fregley, but I ruled him out as

  best friend material a long time ago.

  Hey there,

  Greg!

  I’ll bet I can fit

  your whole foot

  in my mouth!

  3

  Anyway, I’m still keeping the door open a crack

  for Rowley, just in case. But if he wants to save

  this friendship, he’d better do something fast.

  Because the way things stand, he’s not gonna

  come out looking very good in my autobiography.

  CHAPTER 8

  CHILDHOOD

  I used to live near this kid. I think his

  name was Rupert or Roger or something.

  GREG

  HEFFLEY

  a life

  4

  Saturday

  With my luck, though, I’ll go on to be rich and

  famous and Rowley will still find a way to ride

  my coattails.

  The reason I don’t see things changing between

  me and Rowley is because he’s already found himself

  a replacement friend. Or to be more accurate, his

  parents did.

  For the past few weeks Rowley’s been hanging out

  with this teenager named Brian.

  I Used to Be Friends with

  GREG HEFFLEY

  by Rowley Jefferson

  5

  Whenever I go by Rowley’s house, he’s out in his

  front yard throwing a football or a Frisbee with a

  guy who looks like he’s in high school or college.

  Well, I did some poking around and found out

  that this Brian guy isn’t just some normal kid

  from the neighborhood. He’s part of a company

  called “Cool Brian,” which is sort of like a big-

  brother-for-hire kind of thing.

  In fact, I’d be willing to bet money this guy’s

  name isn’t even really Brian.

  6

  Mom said she thinks the Cool Brian thing is a

  great idea because it gives kids a “role model”

  they can look up to. That makes me kind of mad

  because, the way I see it, I’M Rowley’s role model.

  And now Rowley’s parents are paying some guy to

  do what I’ve been doing all these years for FREE.

  Cool brian

  Wholesome

  mentors for

  growing boys

  Hee hee

  hee!

  Gaaaah!

  Trip

  7

  The thing that really burns me is that Rowley

  probably doesn’t even know his parents are paying

  this guy to spend time with him. And I don’t think

  it would bother Rowley if he DID know the truth.

  Today I saw Rowley hanging out with a different

  Cool Brian, so Rowley’s regular guy must’ve had the

  day off. But I could tell Rowley didn’t even notice.

  Today was the first day of school. I don’t want

  to jinx things, but it’s looking like this could be a

  great year for me.

  Tuesday

  8

  In homeroom we got our textbooks for the

  semester. My school can’t afford to get new books

  every year, so we usually get hand-me-downs.

  But when you get a book that ten kids had

  before you, it makes it kind of hard to do any

  actual learning.

  Usually, I have really bad luck when it comes to

  previous book owners. Last year I got a math

  book that had belonged to Bryan Goot.

  9

  And that didn’t exactly up my “cool” factor in

  the hallways.

  But this year I totally lucked out. When I got

  my math book, I found out it used to belong to

  Jordan Jury. Jordan Jury is the most popular kid

  in the grade above me, so carrying his textbook

  around should translate into some MAJOR

  popularity points.

  Hey, you

  got my

  book!

  10

  One reason Jordan is so popular is because he

  always has these big blowout parties, and it’s

  really hard to get invited. But I figure this

  Algebra book could be just the thing I need to

  get on his radar.

  Speaking of popular kids, I sat near Bryce

  Anderson and his group of friends at lunch today.

  Bryce is basically the Jordan Jury of my grade,

  and he’s got a bunch of cronies who are always

  going along with everything h
e says.

  Hey, what’s

  that high-

  pitched noise?

  Yeah, I

  hear it

  too!

  Ow!

  ow!

  11

  And those guys are loyal to Bryce no matter how

  dumb he makes them look.

  See, Bryce Anderson has the right idea. He

  doesn’t actually NEED a best friend, because

  he’s got a bunch of lackeys who basically worship

  him. The reason me and Rowley didn’t make it is

  because we were equal partners in our friendship,

  and I don’t think that kind of model has a

  chance of working out.

  At school today I heard Rowley tell some kid he

  was going to a rock concert tonight. I admit I

  was a little jealous, since I’ve never been to a real

  concert myself. But when I found out who was

  performing, I was glad I wasn’t invited.

  Friday

  I’m just kidding.

  there’s no high-

  pitched noise.

  12

  Still, it kind of irks me that Rowley is having more

  fun than I am. In fact, it seems like EVERYONE

  is having more fun than me these days.

  There are some kids in my grade who post their

  pictures online.

  Joshie

  scream!

  13

  And from the looks of things, they’re all having a

  WAY better time than I am.

  I don’t want people thinking MY life is lame,

  so I decided to take some pictures to show how

  great things are going for me.

  All you really need is a digital camera and a

  photo-editing program and you can make it look

  like you’re having a total blast.

  14

  Tonight I was right in the middle of creating

  a wild New Year’s Eve party scene when I got

  busted by Mom.

  15

  Oh well. Mom won’t let me post photos on the

  computer anyway, because of “privacy” and all

  that. Or maybe it’s because she learned her lesson

  after letting my older brother, Rodrick, post

  HIS pictures.

  Rodrick’s been trying to get a job so he can buy a

  new drum set, but nobody will hire him. Mom told

  him that nowadays employers look up the people

  they’re thinking of hiring and that his pictures

  are probably hurting his chances.

  16

  So Rodrick replaced his band pictures with this one—

  This year everyone in my grade has to take

  Advanced Health, which covers some top-secret

  stuff that I guess they didn’t think we were

  ready for until now.

  In the first few classes, the boys and girls were

  mixed together, but today Nurse Powell said she

  was gonna split us up. She sent the girls down to

  Mrs. Gordon’s room and then she put in a video

  for us boys to watch.

  Wednesday

  17

  From what I could tell, the video was at least

  thirty years old, so I’m sure Dad watched the

  same exact tape when he was my age.

  I’m not gonna describe everything that they

  showed in the video, because it was actually pretty

  disgusting. If you ask me, some of that stuff

  doesn’t really belong in a classroom.

  Rowley didn’t even make it through the whole

  video. He passed out at the two-minute mark when

  they said the word “perspiration.”

  Say Hello to the

  Brand-new you!

  (Boys’ Edition)

  18

  To be honest with you, I don’t know if Rowley’s

  ready for this stuff. He’s basically like a little kid. He

  told me once that he avoids the older kids at school

  because he’s afraid he’s gonna “catch puberty.”

  In fact, now that I think about it, I haven’t

  seen Cool Brian for a while. So I wonder if

  Rowley’s avoiding him, too, because he thinks

  he’s contagious.

  Boys

  19

  The same kind of thing happened in last year’s

  Health class when they did a smoking unit. The

  teacher said that you never know who’s going to

  offer you a cigarette, and that it could even be

  your best friend.

  Well, after Rowley heard THAT, he wouldn’t even

  walk on the same side of the street as me for a

  solid MONTH.

  No!

  Shiver

  shiver

  20

  Believe me, I don’t need some teacher to tell ME

  it’s not cool to smoke. My grandfather convinced

  me of that last year on Thanksgiving.

  Anyway, I think Rowley’s just one of those

  kids who are always gonna be a few years behind

  everyone else maturity-wise. Rowley doesn’t even

  know how to tie his shoes yet, because he’s the

  kind of person who has Velcro everything.

  Rrrip

  21

  Last year Rowley’s mom bought him sneakers with

  laces, and I can’t even tell you how many times I

  had to bail him out.

  I guess it probably should’ve been a warning sign

  that my best friend was impressed that I knew

  how to tie my own shoes.

  Today I was reading the comics in the newspaper,

  and I saw an ad that caught my attention.

  It was for Peachy Breeze Ice Cream, and

  apparently they’re looking for a new spokesperson.

  Thursday

  22

  Peachy Breeze has those commercials on TV that

  run nonstop, with that kid with the freckles and

  the high-pitched voice.

  Peachy

  breeze is

  peachy

  keen!

  Could your child

  be the next

  Peachy breeze

  kid?

  Open tryouts at the Liberty

  Street Mall this Saturday!

  23

  The Peachy Breeze Kid used to be kind of cute, but

  over the years he’s gotten a little seedy-looking.

  So I guess they’re looking for someone to take

  his place.

  Well, I’d be PERFECT for the role. First of

  all, I LOVE ice cream, so it wouldn’t be hard for

  me to do the acting part. Second, I would be

  willing to miss a lot of school to fulfill my Peachy

  Breeze obligations.

  And they wouldn’t have to worry about me

  getting too old for the part, because I’d take

  whatever I needed to take to stop growing.

  Peachy

  breeze is

  peachy

  keen!

  24

  The only stumbling block I can see is that Dad

  HATES the Peachy Breeze TV ads because he

  thinks the kid is annoying. So I don’t think he’d

  be too thrilled if I became their new spokesperson.

  Hope you

  have a good

  day at work!

  Groan.

  Peachy

  breeze is

  peachy keen!

  25

  There’s just something about that kid that gets

  on Dad’s nerves. In fact, I think he hates the

  Peachy Breeze Kid even more than he hates Li'l

  Cutie, which is saying some
thing.

  Every time Dad sees a Peachy Breeze commercial on

  TV, he writes the Peachy Breeze people an angry

  letter saying that the ads drive him crazy and he’ll

  never buy any of their products.

  A few weeks later, Dad gets a response in the

  mail from Peachy Breeze, and it’s always the same

  thing: coupons for free ice cream.

  Type

  Type

  Type

  26

  It’s been going on like this for years, and if

  something doesn’t change, we’re gonna have to get

  an extra freezer to hold all of our Peachy Breeze

  ice cream.

  I told Mom about the Peachy Breeze Kid contest

  last night, and she said it seemed like an “exciting

  opportunity.” But it turns out she was thinking of

  my little brother, Manny, when she said that.

  In fact, this morning Mom and Manny were

  ready to take off for the audition without me,

  but I caught them just in time.

  Saturday

  Wait

  up!

  27

  Mom seemed surprised that I wanted to be

  the Peachy Breeze Kid and said I might be

  “too old” for the part. At first I thought

  that was ridiculous, but when I saw my

  competition at the mall, I could kind of see

  where she was coming from.

  I figured I could charm the judges and get the

  job anyway. Plus, I had an edge, because I was

  the only kid trying out who could read a cue card.

  There must’ve been two hundred kids in line, and

  I realized that if I wanted the job, I was

  gonna have to come up with some sort of gimmick.

  So I decided I’d jump up and click my heels

  together when I said the Peachy Breeze slogan.

  Tryouts

  28

  But when it was finally my turn to go, things

  didn’t work out the way I’d planned.

  I knew my chances of getting the part weren’t

  good when the casting people sent me out the

  door without even asking my name.

  Peachy breeze