Double Down (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 11) Read online

  OTHER BOOKS BY JEFF KINNEY

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Third Wheel

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Old School

  The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book

  The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary

  COMING SOON: MORE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID

  PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and

  incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously,

  and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments,

  events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may

  be obtained from the Library of Congress.

  ISBN: 978-1-4197-2344-5

  eISBN: 978-1-61312-992-0

  Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © 2016 Wimpy Kid, Inc.

  DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™

  are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved.

  Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards logo copyright © 2016 Viacom Media Networks

  Book design by Jeff Kinney

  Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney

  Published in 2016 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS.

  All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval

  system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic,

  photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the

  publisher. Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of

  Harry N. Abrams, Inc.

  Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity

  for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use.

  Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact

  [email protected] or the address below.

  ABRAMS The Art of Books

  115 West 18th Street, New York, Ny 10011

  abramsbooks.com

  TO DORIAN

  OCTOBER

  Wednesday

  My parents are always saying the world doesn’t

  revolve around me, but sometimes I wonder if it

  actually DOES.

  When I was a little kid, I saw this movie about

  a man whose whole life is secretly being filmed

  for a TV show. This guy is famous all over the

  world, and he doesn’t KNOW it.

  Well, ever since I saw that movie, I’ve kind of

  figured the same thing is probably happening to ME.

  HOPE YOU CREEPS

  ARE ENJOYING

  YOURSELVES!

  At first I was annoyed my life was being

  broadcast without my permission. But then I

  realized that if millions of people are tuning in

  every day to see what I’m up to, that’s actually

  kind of COOL.

  Sometimes I worry that my life is too BORING

  to be its own television show, so I try to do

  something entertaining every now and then to give

  the people watching at home a good chuckle.

  WHOOPS!

  TRIP

  SPLOP

  2

  The other thing I do is send my audience little

  signals to let them know I’m in on the secret.

  If my life’s a TV show, then there’s gotta be

  commercial breaks. I figure they must run the ads

  when I’m in the bathroom, so I always make a

  big entrance after I finish up in there.

  WHO ATE THE

  LAST CUPCAKE?

  IT

  WASN’T

  ME!

  WINK

  I’M BAAAACCCCKKK!

  3

  But sometimes I wonder how much of my life is

  REAL and how much of it is RIGGED. Because

  half the things that happen to me are so

  ridiculous, I wonder if someone ELSE is pulling

  the strings.

  If it’s all fake, the LEAST the people in

  charge can do is give me some juicier story lines

  to work with.

  HOW ABOUT “GREG GETS A GIRLFRIEND”? OR

  “GREG GETS A MOTORCYCLE”? OR “GREG

  GETS A GIRLFRIEND AND A MOTORCYCLE”?

  4

  Every once in a while I wonder if the people in

  my life are who they SEEM to be, or if they’re

  really just ACTORS.

  If they’re actors, I hope the kid who’s playing

  my friend Rowley gets an award, because he’s

  doing a great job pretending to be a doofus.

  And if my brother Rodrick is actually just some

  guy getting PAID to act like a jerk, then that

  makes me see him in a whole new light.

  Who knows? Maybe he’s a nice guy in real life, and

  one day we’ll be good friends.

  5

  But if my PARENTS are actors, then that’s

  just wrong.

  I’ve made a lot of Mother’s and Father’s Day

  cards over the years. If this is all a sham, then

  I deserve to get paid for my time and effort.

  MORE BUBBLES,

  SWEETIE?

  SQUIRT

  MOM-

  MY

  To a

  great

  DAD

  6

  And speaking of getting paid, I’ll bet my REAL

  parents are set for life, thanks to me.

  But I’m doing everything I can to make sure

  I can cash in later. On most TV shows, the

  main character has a catchphrase that they say

  at least once per episode. So I’ve come up with

  a catchphrase of my OWN, and I drop it into

  conversation every once in a while.

  CLINK

  WELL, BITE

  MY BISCUITS!

  7

  Later on I’m gonna slap my catchphrase on every

  piece of merchandise I can think of and wait for

  the money to start rolling in.

  I’ll guarantee THIS, though. I’m not gonna end

  up as one of those washed-up celebrities who sells

  pictures at autograph conventions just to make a

  cheap buck.

  BITE MY

  BISCUITS

  BITE

  MY

  BISCUITS

  BITE

  MY

  BISCUITS

  BITE

  MY

  BISCUITS

  SAY IT!

  SAY IT!

  I DIN’T

  THINK SO.

  BITE

  MY

  BISCUITS

  THE

  BITE MY

  BISCUITS

  GUY

  8

  The one thing I’ve learned about television is that

  sooner or later, every show gets canceled. But in

  the last season they usually introduce a new pet or

  a cute kid to bump up the ratings.

  So when my little brother, Manny, was born, I<
br />
  figured they were trying to replace me as the star

  of the show with a fresh new face.

  The thing I couldn’t figure out was how a

  newborn baby could be an ACTOR. I thought

  maybe Manny was a puppet being controlled by an

  adult who was hidden from view.

  I KNOW EXACTLY

  WHAT THIS IS!

  9

  I never found any evidence that this was true,

  but that didn’t stop me from checking every once

  in a while just to make sure.

  As Manny got older, it was pretty clear he was

  getting around on his own. So then I wondered

  if he was actually a super-high-tech windup toy or

  even some kind of ROBOT.

  Then I thought maybe EVERYBODY around

  me was a robot and I was the only actual human

  being in the family. Robots need electricity for

  power, so that would explain why we have two or

  three outlets in every room of the house.

  SCOOT

  SCOOT

  10

  It would ALSO explain some of the things my

  parents say when they think I’m not listening.

  If robots use batteries, it explains why we have

  so many of them in the plastic bin in the laundry

  room. I’m not exactly sure where the batteries

  GO, but I do have a few guesses.

  MAYBE WE SHOULD GO AWAY

  FOR THE WEEKEND AND

  RECHARGE OUR BATTERIES.

  SHUDDER

  11

  I figured the only way to find out if my family

  members were robots was to see if I could get

  one of them to short-circuit. But either Dad’s a

  waterproof model or he’s just a regular human with

  no sense of humor.

  THAT incident got me grounded for a week. The

  people watching my show probably had a good

  laugh, but I’m sure the ratings were in the toilet

  for a while after that.

  FWOOSH

  JUNE

  12

  I guess there’s a chance that I’m just an

  ordinary kid living a normal life, and I’m NOT

  the star of some TV show. But there could still

  be SOMEONE out there watching.

  With all the planets in the universe, there’s

  GOTTA be intelligent life out there. Some people

  say that if aliens were real, UFOs would be

  zipping around our skies all the time. But I figure

  aliens are SMART, and they’re just keeping a low

  profile until the time is right to invade.

  They’re probably spying on us at this very

  second, gathering information about the way we

  live our lives.

  13

  My bet is that houseflies are actually little drones

  that the aliens use to beam images back to their

  ships. Because if you’ve ever seen a picture of a

  fly up close, it’s pretty obvious their “eyes” are

  actually high-tech cameras.

  The only thing I don’t understand is that aliens

  seem to be really fascinated with dog poop. But I

  guess they’ve got their reasons for that.

  WHO LEFT THIS

  WINDOW OPEN?

  WAVE

  WAVE

  14

  I’ve tried to explain my theories to my parents

  and other grown-ups, but it’s pretty clear nobody

  wants to hear what some kid has to say. So every

  chance I get, I make sure the aliens know I’m

  on their side.

  I hope I got it right about the flies, though.

  Because if the drones are actually MOSQUITOES,

  we can probably expect an alien invasion any

  second now.

  TAKE ME

  WITH YOU!

  SMACK

  FWOOSH

  15

  The thing is, I’ve ALWAYS felt like someone’s

  out there keeping tabs on my life.

  After my grandmother passed away, Mom told

  me I’d be safe because Nana was watching over me

  from heaven. I think that’s great and all, but

  I’ve got a lot of issues with the way it works.

  I’m fine with Nana watching over me when I’m

  riding a skateboard or doing something where I

  could use a little extra protection. But there are

  other times when you just need some privacy.

  16

  What worries me is that, when Nana was alive,

  sometimes I could be pretty obnoxious. So if I

  was her, I wouldn’t really CARE if something

  happened to me.

  YOU SMELL

  LIKE

  ASPARAGUS!

  17

  If Nana looks the other way when I’m crossing

  the street or something like that, I can’t say I

  blame her.

  I actually feel kind of BAD if Nana has to

  keep an eye on me twenty-four hours a day. She

  worked hard all her life as a waitress, so she

  earned the right to RELAX.

  HERE I GO,

  NANA!

  DINER

  CLOSED

  18

  I hope she’s sitting in a bubble bath up there

  in heaven reading her romance novels, and not

  watching some ungrateful middle school kid doing

  his homework every night.

  I’ll tell you THIS: If I get into heaven, I’m

  gonna spend all my time swimming in a giant pool

  filled with jelly beans or doing loop-the-loops

  around the clouds.

  YAHOOO!

  19

  There’s no chance I’m gonna get stuck watching

  over some great grandkid I hardly even knew.

  The only thing that will make it fun is if I have

  the power to punish my descendants whenever they

  do something annoying.

  KZAPP!!

  20

  Recently, Mom told me it’s not just NANA who’s

  watching over me, it’s ALL my relatives who’ve

  passed away.

  I kind of wish she hadn’t told me that, because

  now when I copy off of Alex Aruda’s paper

  during a spelling test, I feel a lot more guilty

  about it.

  I want to know how many generations this

  thing goes BACK. I’m fine with a few hundred

  years or so, but if it’s my whole family tree

  all the way to the beginning, that’s a totally

  different story.

  21

  I mean, if I’ve got relatives from caveman times

  watching over me, those guys are probably gonna be

  pretty confused by what I do on an average day.

  To be honest, I’m not comfortable with all these

  people looking over my shoulder. If my relatives

  are really watching me every time I step out of

  the shower or taste my earwax, it’s gonna be

  pretty awkward when we reunite later on.

  BLEEP

  BORP

  BLAP

  HEYYYY,

  GUYS!

  22

  Thursday

  We have the book fair at school this week, and

  this morning Mom gave me twenty dollars to spend.

  I THOUGHT I was allowed to pick whatever I

  wanted, but it turns out Mom expected me to spend

  the money on BOOKS.

  When you get the chance to own a giant pencil

  with googly eyes, though, it’s kind of hard to

  pass up.

>   Besides the pencil, I got a poster with a cat

  saying something sarcastic, an eraser shaped like a

  panda, a calculator that glows in the dark, a pen

  that writes underwater, and another giant pencil

  with googly eyes, just in case the first one gets

  lost or stolen.

  SCRIBBLE

  SCRIBBLE

  23

  I thought there was a chance Mom might not

  be happy with the way I spent her money, so

  I made sure to also buy a yo-yo with a good

  message on it.

  But Mom wasn’t impressed. She says I have to

  go back tomorrow and trade in all the stuff I

  bought for books.

  Mom says the brain is like a muscle, and if you

  don’t exercise it by reading and doing creative

  stuff, it’ll get weak and mushy.

  She says video games and TV are making my brain

  flabby, and if something doesn’t change I’m

  basically gonna be a mindless zombie for the rest

  of my life.

  READ

  24

  Mom said if I turned off the television and put

  down my game controller, I might discover a

  talent I never knew I had.

  That’s a nice idea and all, but I feel like every

  time Mom’s tried to get me to step out of my

  comfort zone, I’ve fallen flat on my face.

  In the third grade we had a Poetry unit in school,

  and when I showed her what I was working on,

  Mom was pretty impressed. She sent one of my

  poems off to the National Poetry Council to see if

  THEY thought it was any good.

  Two weeks later, we got a letter back in the mail.

  NATIONAL POETRY COUNCIL

  Dear Gregory Heffley,

  Congratulations! Your poem, “My Silly Summer,”

  has been chosen to appear in the prestigious Poetry

  Anthology, an annual collection of the nation’s best

  work by the most promising poets.

  25

  Mom was REALLY excited about the news, and

  I admit I was, too. I kind of got into the

  idea of being a poet, and even started to dress

  differently at school.