Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 1 Read online

  hot and sweaty.

  But as usual, Dad didn’t see my logic.

  Tuesday

  24

  Dad is a pretty smart guy in general but when

  it comes to common sense, sometimes I wonder

  about him.

  I’m sure Dad would dismantle my game system

  if he could figure out how to do it. But luckily,

  the people who make these things make them

  parent-proof.

  Slam

  Dag nab

  these fancy

  gadgets!

  25

  Every time Dad kicks me out of the house to do

  something sporty, I just go up to Rowley’s and

  play my video games there.

  Unfortunately, the only games I can play at

  Rowley’s are car-racing games and stuff like that.

  Because whenever I bring a game up to Rowley’s

  house, his dad looks it up on some parents’ Web

  site. And if my game has any kind of fighting

  or violence in it, he won’t let us play.

  I’m getting a little sick of playing Formula One

  Racing with Rowley, because he’s not a serious

  gamer like me. All that you have to do to beat

  Rowley is name your car something ridiculous at

  the beginning of the game.

  Hmmmm…

  26

  And then when you pass Rowley’s car, he just

  falls to pieces.

  Anyway, after I got done mopping the floor

  with Rowley today, I headed home. I ran

  through the neighbor’s sprinkler a couple times to

  make it look like I was all sweaty, and that

  seemed to do the trick for Dad.

  Bad

  fart

  ahead!

  Bwaahahaha!

  Whew!

  27

  Wednesday

  But my trick kind of backfired, because as soon

  as Mom saw me, she made me go upstairs and

  take a shower.

  I guess Dad must have been pretty happy with

  himself for making me go outside yesterday,

  because he did it again today.

  It’s getting really annoying to have to go up to

  Rowley’s every time I want to play a video game.

  There’s this weird kid named Fregley who lives

  halfway between my house and Rowley’s, and

  Fregley is always hanging out in his front yard.

  So it’s pretty hard to avoid him.

  Wanna see

  my “secret

  Freckle”?

  Um… No

  thanks.

  28

  Fregley is in my Phys Ed class at school, and he

  has this whole made-up language. Like when he

  needs to go to the bathroom, he says—

  Us kids have pretty much figured Fregley out by

  now, but I don’t think the teachers have really

  caught on yet.

  Today, I probably would have gone up to Rowley’s

  on my own anyway, because my brother Rodrick

  and his band were practicing down in the basement.

  Juice!

  juuuice!!!

  Ok, kid…

  gee whiz!

  29

  Rodrick’s band is really awful, and I can’t

  stand being home when they’re having rehearsals.

  His band is called “Loaded Diaper,” only it’s

  spelled “Löded Diper” on Rodrick’s van.

  You might think he spelled it that way to make it

  look cooler, but I bet if you told Rodrick how

  “Loaded Diaper” is really spelled, it would be news

  to him.

  Dad was against the idea of Rodrick starting a

  band, but Mom was all for it.

  She’s the one who bought Rodrick his first

  drum set.

  LÖded

  diper

  30

  I think Mom has this idea that we’re all going

  to learn to play instruments and then become one

  of those family bands like you see on tv.

  Dad really hates heavy metal, and that’s the

  kind of music Rodrick and his band play. I don’t

  think Mom really cares what Rodrick plays or listens

  to, because to her, all music is the same. In

  fact, earlier today, Rodrick was listening to one

  of his CDs in the family room, and Mom came in

  and started dancing.

  31

  That really bugged Rodrick, so he drove off to

  the store and came back fifteen minutes later

  with some headphones. And that pretty much

  took care of the problem.

  Yesterday Rodrick got a new heavy metal CD,

  and it had one of those “Parental Warning”

  stickers on it.

  I have never gotten to listen to one of those

  Parental Warning CDs, because Mom and Dad never

  let me buy them at the mall. So I realized the only

  way I was gonna get a chance to listen to

  Rodrick’s CD was if I snuck it out of the house.

  This morning, after Rodrick left, I called up Rowley

  and told him to bring his CD player to school.

  Thursday

  32

  Then I went down to Rodrick’s room and took

  the CD off his rack.

  You’re not allowed to bring personal music players

  to school, so we had to wait to use it until after

  lunch when the teachers let us outside. As soon

  as we got the chance, me and Rowley snuck

  around the back of the school and loaded up

  Rodrick’s CD.

  But Rowley forgot to put batteries in his CD

  player, so it was pretty much worthless.

  Then I came up with this great idea for a game.

  The object was to put the headphones on your

  head and then try to shake them off without

  using your hands.

  33

  The winner was whoever could shake the headphones

  off in the shortest amount of time.

  I had the record with seven and a half seconds,

  but I think I might have shook some of my

  fillings loose with that one.

  Right in the middle of our game, Mrs. Craig came

  around the corner and caught us red-handed. She

  took the music player away from me and started

  chewing us out.

  34

  But I think she had the wrong idea about what

  we were doing back there. She started telling us

  how rock and roll is “evil” and how it’s going to

  ruin our brains.

  I was going to tell her that there weren’t even

  any batteries in the CD player, but I could tell she

  didn’t want to be interrupted. So I just waited

  until she was done, and then I said, “Yes, ma’am.”

  But right when Mrs. Craig was about to let us

  go, Rowley started blubbering about how he doesn’t

  want rock and roll to ruin his “brains.”

  Honestly, sometimes I don’t know about that boy.

  35

  Well, now I’ve gone and done it.

  Last night, after everyone was in bed, I snuck

  downstairs to listen to Rodrick’s CD on the

  stereo in the family room.

  I put Rodrick’s new headphones on and cranked

  up the volume really high. Then I hit “play.”

  First, let me just say I can definitely understand

  why they put that “Parental Warning” sticker

  on the CD.

  But I only got to hear
about thirty seconds of

  the first song before I got interrupted.

  Friday

  36

  It turns out I didn’t have the headphones plugged

  into the stereo. So the music was actually coming

  through the speakers, not the headphones.

  Dad marched me up to my room and shut the

  door behind him, and then he said—

  Let’s you and

  me have a talk,

  friend.

  37

  Whenever Dad says “friend” that way, you know

  you’re in trouble. The first time Dad ever said

  “friend” like that to me, I didn’t get that he was

  being sarcastic. So I kind of let my guard down.

  I don’t make that mistake anymore.

  Tonight, Dad yelled at me for about ten minutes,

  and then I guess he decided he’d rather be in bed

  than standing in my room in his underwear. He

  told me I was grounded from playing video games

  for two weeks, which is about what I expected.

  I guess I should be glad that’s all he did.

  The good thing about Dad is that when he gets

  mad, he cools off real quick, and then it’s over.

  Friend = Good

  38

  Usually, if you mess up in front of Dad, he just

  throws whatever he’s got in his hands at you.

  Mom has a totally different style when it

  comes to punishment. If you mess up and Mom

  catches you, the first thing she does is to take

  a few days to figure out what your punishment

  should be.

  Good time to screw up:

  Bad time to screw up:

  Kick

  Kick

  39

  And while you’re waiting, you do all these nice

  things to try to get off easier.

  But then after a few days, right when you

  forget you’re in trouble, that’s when she lays it

  on you.

  I just dusted

  the dining

  room for the

  heck of it!

  How

  thoughtful

  of you!

  Are you

  having fun?

  Yeah!

  No video

  games for

  a week!

  40

  This video game ban is a whole lot tougher than

  I thought it would be. But at least I’m not the

  only one in the family who’s in trouble.

  Rodrick’s in some hot water with Mom right now,

  too. Manny got ahold of one of Rodrick’s heavy

  metal magazines, and one of the pages had a

  picture of a woman in a bikini lying across the

  hood of a car. And then Manny brought it into

  day care for show-and-tell.

  Anyway, I don’t think Mom was too happy about

  getting that phone call.

  I saw the magazine myself, and it honestly wasn’t

  anything to get worked up over. But Mom doesn’t

  allow that kind of stuff in the house.

  Monday

  41

  Rodrick’s punishment was that he had to answer

  a bunch of questions Mom wrote out for him.

  Did owning this magazine

  make you a better person?

  No.

  Did it make you more

  popular at school?

  No.

  How do you feel about having

  owned this type of magazine

  now?

  I feel ashamed.

  Do you have anything you

  want to say to women for

  having owned this offensive

  magazine?

  I’m sorry women.

  42

  Wednesday

  I’m still grounded from playing video games, so

  Manny has been using my system. Mom went out and

  bought a whole bunch of educational video games,

  and watching Manny play them is like torture.

  The good news is that I finally figured out how

  to get some of my games past Rowley’s dad. I

  just put one of my discs in Manny’s “Discovering

  the Alphabet” case, and that’s all it takes.

  What number

  comes after

  two and rhymes

  with “tree”?

  Hmm…

  Three!

  three!

  Mm

  Hmmmm!

  43

  Thursday

  At school today, they announced that student

  government elections are coming up. To be honest

  with you, I’ve never had any interest in student

  government. But when I started thinking about

  it, I realized getting elected Treasurer could

  totally change my situation at school.

  we cheerleaders

  are tired of riding

  to games in the

  same bus as the

  nerds in the band!

  hmm ... let

  me see

  what i

  can do ...

  treasurer

  44

  Friday

  And even better ...

  Nobody ever thinks about running for Treasurer,

  because all anyone ever cares about are the big-

  ticket positions like President and Vice President.

  So I figure if I sign up tomorrow, the

  Treasurer job is pretty much mine for the taking.

  Today, I went and put my name on the list to

  run for Treasurer. Unfortunately, this kid named

  Marty Porter is running for Treasurer, too, and

  he’s real brainy at math. So this might not be as

  easy as I thought.

  we jocks just

  need an air pump

  to inflate our

  only football.

  yeahhhh...

  sorry. can’t

  help you

  with that.

  treasurer

  45

  I told Dad that I was running for student

  government, and he seemed pretty excited. It

  turns out he ran for student government when

  he was my age, and he actually won.

  Dad dug through some old boxes in the basement

  and found one of his campaign posters.

  integrity

  honesty

  know-how

  I thought the poster idea was pretty good, so

  I asked Dad to drive me to the store to get

  some supplies. I loaded up on poster board and

  markers, and I spent the rest of the night

  making all my campaign stuff. So let’s just hope

  these posters work.

  vote

  Frank Heffley

  for

  secretary

  46

  Monday

  I brought my posters in to school today, and I

  have to say, they came out pretty good.

  Do You Want

  marty porter

  to be your

  treasurer?

  darr...

  hey, you’re

  dropping all

  our money,

  you fool!

  Remember in second grade how

  Marty Porter had head lice?

  itch

  itch

  Do you really want him

  touching YOUR money?

  47

  I started hanging my posters up as soon as I

  got in. But they were only up for about three

  minutes before Vice Principal Roy spotted them.

  Mr. Roy said you weren’t allowed to write

  “fabrications” about the other candidates. So I

/>   told Mr. Roy that the thing about the head lice

  was true, and how it practically closed down the

  whole school when it happened.

  But he took down all my posters anyway. So today,

  Marty Porter was going around handing out lollipops

  to buy himself votes while my posters were sitting at

  the bottom of Mr. Roy’s trash can. I guess this

  means my political career is officially over.

  48

  October

  Monday

  Well, it’s finally October, and there are only

  thirty days left until Halloween. Halloween is

  my fAVorite holiday, even though Mom says

  I’m getting too old to go trick-or-treating

  anymore.

  Halloween is Dad’s favorite holiday, too, but for

  a different reason. On Halloween night, while

  all the other parents are handing out candy,

  Dad is hiding in the bushes with a big trash

  can full of water.

  And if any teenagers pass by our driveway, he

  drenches them.

  yaaargh!

  49

  I’m not sure Dad really understands the concept

  of Halloween. But I’m not gonna be the one who

  spoils his fun.

  Tonight was the opening night of the Crossland

  High School haunted house, and I got Mom to

  agree to take me and Rowley.

  Rowley showed up at my house wearing his Halloween

  costume from last year. When I called him earlier

  I told him to just wear regular clothes, but of

  course he didn’t listen.

  trick or

  treat!

  heh, heh.

  50

  I tried not to let it bother me too much, though.

  I’ve never been allowed to go to the Crossland

  haunted house before, and I wasn’t going to let

  Rowley ruin it for me. Rodrick has told me all

  about it, and I’ve been looking forward to this

  for about three years.

  Anyway, when we got to the entrance, I

  started having second thoughts about going in.

  good

  eeeveninggg.

  But Mom seemed like she was in a hurry to get this

  over with, and she moved us along. Once we were

  through the gate, it was one scare after another.