Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Wrecking Ball (Book 14) (Diary of a Wimpy Kid 14) Read online

  Manager was totally useless, because he was busy

  playing with the magnet set.

  I told Rowley he’d better start doing his JOB

  or he was gonna get FIRED. But Rowley said it

  wasn’t a REAL job anyway, because he wasn’t

  getting PAID.

  I explained that I hadn’t SOLD anything yet

  and didn’t have any MONEY to pay him with.

  So when he said he was LEAVING I told him he

  could pick out one item from any table and THAT

  could be his payment.

  Rowley seemed pretty excited about that idea, and

  I thought for SURE he’d choose the magnet set.

  But he headed straight for the Rare Items table

  instead.

  23

  I explained that those things were for PAYING

  customers ONLY and that maybe he’d be

  interested in something from the Fun Toys table.

  But Rowley wouldn’t BUDGE.

  Eventually he settled on the Vampire Bat Shield.

  And I was OK with that, because it was really

  just a broken umbrella. But now Rowley was so

  worried about BATS that he couldn’t concentrate

  on his job.

  While Rowley was fooling around with his stupid

  umbrella, I thought I saw a guy take an action

  figure from the Collectibles table and stuff it in

  his pocket. So I ran over to deal with him.

  24

  But the only things in the guy’s pockets were

  some used tissues and car keys.

  I was glad I was staying ALERT, though,

  because I headed off a major DISASTER. A

  pickup truck pulled up at the kerb, and some guy

  from Whirley Street started piling my stuff into

  the back.

  25

  I asked him what he was DOING, and he said

  that since tomorrow was trash day he thought

  the stuff by the kerb was up for grabs.

  But I didn’t have time to explain the concept of

  a yard sale to this guy, because all of a sudden I

  had an even BIGGER problem to deal with.

  It started to RAIN, and everyone was heading

  back to their cars.

  I was worried I might never get this many

  people to come to a yard sale again, and I

  wanted to sell SOMETHING to make all the

  effort worth it. So I went round and marked

  down the prices on every item.

  26

  Then it started REALLY raining, and I knew I

  was gonna have to do something DRASTIC.

  I threw a bunch of stuff into BOXES, and

  offered even bigger discounts. But by then it

  was too late anyway.

  I knew that if I didn’t get my stuff inside it

  was all gonna get RUINED. So I asked Rowley

  to hold his umbrella over my most valuable items while

  I ran everything else into the garage.

  But Rowley wasn’t any help at all.

  27

  He said his shift had just ended and it was time for

  him to go home.

  So I was on my own. I tried carrying a box of

  comic books into the garage, but by now the box was

  SOGGY, and the bottom gave way.

  28

  It took me about a hundred trips to get

  everything into the garage. But I probably

  shouldn’t have even BOTHERED, because most of

  my stuff was already RUINED.

  I figured I could still make ONE sale, though.

  I told Mom that the paper flower was all hers

  for three bucks. Unfortunately by then she’d

  changed her mind.

  29

  Wednesday

  I’m actually kind of GLAD nobody bought anything

  from my yard sale the other day, because if I

  ever get FAMOUS that stuff is gonna be worth a

  LOT more money than I was asking for it.

  I’d feel pretty dumb if I sold one of my old

  homework projects for fifty cents and then

  someone auctioned it off later for a few thousand

  dollars.

  One day they’ll probably make my childhood home

  into one of those places schools visit on field trips.

  30

  And if THAT happens they’re gonna want to

  have all the authentic stuff I owned growing up.

  The reason I’m not ALREADY famous is because

  when you’re a kid they keep you busy with school

  and homework, so there’s not a lot of time left to

  make a NAME for yourself.

  But one of the ways a kid can actually get famous

  is by becoming a HERO. My parents watch the

  news every night, and there’s always a story

  about a kid saving someone from choking or

  something like that.

  31

  The problem is, those kinds of opportunities don’t

  come around that OFTEN. And, believe me, I’ve

  tried to put myself in the right place for that

  sort of thing to happen.

  32

  But I’ve got kind of tired of WAITING, so I

  decided to try and create a situation where I was

  GUARANTEED to be a hero. I figured if I

  saved someone from a dog attack they’d make a

  statue of me and put it in the town park, which

  would be pretty cool.

  Rowley didn’t seem so sure about my idea when I

  explained it to him. But when I said he’d be a part

  of the statue, too, he changed his tune.

  So I got some bacon out of our refrigerator and

  had Rowley stuff it in his pockets. Then we went

  around the neighbourhood looking for some DOGS.

  33

  We DID attract some dogs, but they weren’t the

  kind I was LOOKING for.

  Rowley got so nervous about the dogs following

  us that he ATE the uncooked bacon, which I’ve

  heard can be really BAD for you. So I told his

  parents what happened, and they took him to a

  doctor just to be sure.

  34

  I guess I saved Rowley’s life after all, which

  does sort of make me a hero, if you think about

  it. But I don’t know if that’s really the kind of

  thing they make into a statue.

  Maybe I’m thinking too SMALL with this statue

  idea, anyway. If I do something REALLY big,

  they’ll make my birthday into a national holiday.

  That would be pretty awesome, because then

  everyone will get the day off school and work,

  and they’ll have ME to thank for it.

  35

  The thing is, whenever there’s a day off school

  for a national holiday, I never even THINK

  about the person it’s named after. I just hope

  that on MY holiday people will spend the whole

  day reflecting on my life.

  But with MY luck they’ll just use it as an

  opportunity to sell furniture or something.

  36

  APRIL

  Sunday

  All the rain we’ve been getting has been making

  everything grow like crazy. And that really

  stinks, because it’s MY job to weed our garden.

  I don’t know why Mom gave me this job, because

  she knows I’m BAD at it. I can’t tell the

  difference between a weed and something that’s

  SUPPOSED to be in the garden, and I keep

  ripping up the wrong stuff by mistake.

&
nbsp; I’m still not convinced there actually IS a

  difference between a weed and a plant. I bet

  there are places in the world where people think

  ASPARAGUS is a weed, and right now there’s

  some kid my age busting his gut pulling it up.

  37

  I don’t understand why GRASS isn’t considered

  a weed, because it sure looks like one to ME. But

  people like my dad spend their entire weekends

  trying to get their lawn to look just right so they

  can impress their neighbours.

  I’ll tell you this: when I get a place of my

  OWN, I’m gonna PAVE the whole yard. That

  way I can spend my weekends ENJOYING

  myself.

  38

  I’m gonna save a TON of money by paving the

  yard. My dad spends a FORTUNE on lawn

  fertilizer, and I don’t think that stuff’s GOOD

  for you. And the proof is my neighbour Fregley,

  who’s always out in his yard right after they spray.

  I’m pretty sure all those lawn chemicals can mess

  with your GENES. So if I end up with a third

  eye or something, I’m gonna blame my PARENTS.

  39

  When I have my own place, EVERYTHING’S

  gonna be different. And I’m not just talking

  about the LAWN, either.

  I USED to think I wanted to live in a big

  mansion with a giant fence around it. But then

  I realized that if I was famous, everyone would

  know where I LIVED.

  40

  So my NEW plan is to build a really SMALL

  house that doesn’t attract a lot of attention.

  And then all the GOOD stuff will be

  UNDERGROUND.

  I’ve got ideas for what’s gonna go on each level.

  In fact, I just finished designing the fifth floor

  last week, and it’s probably my Favourite.

  42

  I’m a little worried about living UNDERGROUND,

  though, because my brother Rodrick lives in our

  basement, and I’m not sure it’s healthy. So

  I’m gonna have tons of screens that LOOK like

  windows to make it feel like I’m living on the

  surface.

  My house is gonna be BIG, so it’ll take me a

  while to get from place to place. That’s why I’m

  planning on having moving walkways everywhere.

  My bathtub is gonna be made of glass, and it’ll sit

  inside a giant aquarium so I can feel like I’m in

  the OCEAN.

  44

  My security system is gonna be SUPER high

  tech. I’ve designed all sorts of booby traps for

  anyone who tries to get inside.

  And if someone gets past the front door I’ll just

  wait them out in my panic room, which is gonna

  have steel walls that are three feet thick.

  45

  Every so often I’ll probably have a party or

  something so people can see how awesome my house

  is. But if they stay too LATE I’ll have a way to

  get them out of there and back up to street level.

  All this stuff is gonna be EXPENSIVE, so

  it’s going to take a while for me to save enough

  money to make it happen. But I figure it can’t

  hurt to start planning NOW.

  46

  Friday

  I was doing my homework last night when Dad

  called me downstairs. Mom was at the kitchen

  table, and she seemed pretty upset.

  Dad told us Great Aunt Reba passed away in her

  sleep. I have a LOT of great aunts, though, and

  at first I couldn’t remember which one she was.