The Ugly Truth (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 5) Read online

  is peachy—

  oops!

  Click

  Plop

  Can I go

  again?

  Next!

  29

  My opportunity was slipping away, so I did what I

  could to improve my odds.

  But it looks like the job is gonna go to a younger

  kid after all, which really stinks.

  You know, this isn’t the first time I’ve been

  discriminated against because of my age, either.

  Last October me and Rowley heard that our local

  news station was going to be at the Red Apple

  Farm to shoot footage of kids carving pumpkins

  and making scarecrows and stuff like that.

  I’m pretty sure

  the next kid in

  line is allergic

  to peaches.

  Exit

  30

  We knew this was our big chance to be on TV, so

  we plopped ourselves in front of the news camera

  and really hammed it up.

  But it took about five seconds for the news people

  to kick us out.

  Whee!

  Yay!

  Hey, get those

  creepy kids

  out of there!

  31

  Then they brought in some little kids to take our

  place, and they did the same EXACT thing me

  and Rowley were doing.

  And sure enough, those kids were on the news

  that night.

  The truth is, this kind of thing has been going

  on for a long time. And where it’s worst is in my

  own family.

  Up until I was eight or nine, I was the star

  of every family gathering. It seemed like nobody

  could get enough of me.

  I love it!

  Ha Ha!

  32

  But after Manny was born, things really changed

  for me.

  See, when you’re a little kid, nobody ever warns

  you that you’ve got an expiration date. One day

  you’re hot stuff and the next day you’re a dirt

  sandwich.

  I’m a little

  teapot

  short and

  stout…

  It’s a boy!

  Here is my

  handle and

  here is my

  spout!

  Oh,

  grow

  up!

  33

  I guess I can understand why Rodrick’s always

  so grumpy. It’s been a long time since he was

  the center of attention, and believe me, he’s not

  getting any cuter.

  The person who’s lucky is ROWLEY. He’s an only

  child, so at least he doesn’t have to worry about

  being replaced by the next kid to come along.

  Stop

  slouching!

  chips

  Just tip me

  over and

  pour me

  out!

  Yay!

  Hurray,

  rowley!

  34

  Tonight at dinner Dad told us that his younger

  brother, Uncle Gary, got engaged to his

  girlfriend, Sonja. I guess that’s great news and

  all, but Uncle Gary has been married three times

  before, so this has kind of become a regular thing

  in our family. In fact, we don’t even use growth

  charts at home, because we can just look at

  pictures from Uncle Gary’s weddings to keep track

  of our progress.

  Monday

  35

  So I think everyone’s a little burned out by

  now. When Uncle Gary got married the THIRD

  time, Mom didn’t even bother to replace the

  picture of his second wedding on the mantel. She

  just taped a photo of the new wife’s head on

  top of the old one.

  Uncle Gary’s not a bad guy or anything. He just

  rushes into these relationships too quickly. He got

  engaged to his first wife, Linda, two months after

  they met, and she didn’t even find out what he did

  for a living until their wedding day.

  36

  And I heard Uncle Gary’s second wife, Charlene,

  thought he had a lot of money because of a

  miscommunication on their second date.

  It turns out Uncle Gary only had forty-five

  dollars, not forty-five THOUSAND dollars.

  Sorry I’m late…the

  kids at the party

  wouldn’t let me leave!

  I’ve got about

  thirty thousand

  in the bank…

  maybe forty.

  And I’ve got

  forty-five!

  37

  But Charlene didn’t find that out until it was time

  to pay the band at the wedding.

  Dad’s always saying Uncle Gary needs to “grow

  up” and stop acting like a child. But if I were

  Dad, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

  Did you

  happen to

  bring your

  checkbook?

  Yaaah-

  hooo!

  38

  I found out that Uncle Gary’s wedding is gonna

  be in November, and the reception will be at my

  great grandmother Gammie’s house, like last time.

  Gammie is ninety-five years old, but she still lives

  in the big house where she grew up. She’s like the

  official head of the whole Heffley family.

  Gammie is one of the only people in the world who

  still writes letters. And when she writes you a

  letter, she expects you to write one BACK.

  Tuesday

  Heffley family reunion

  (Gammie)

  39

  I’ve tried to explain to Gammie that people my

  age don’t know how to write letters with a stamp

  and a “return address” and all that stuff, but

  she doesn’t wanna hear it.

  At Uncle Gary’s last wedding, Gammie handed me

  a starter letter plus an envelope with her address

  and a stamp on it so I wouldn’t have any excuse

  not to write.

  G. Heffley

  12 surrey street

  Gammie heffley

  38 Bacon street

  East

  Dear Gammie,

  Love,

  Gregory

  40

  But I STILL haven’t filled it in and mailed it

  yet. So now every time I walk past my desk in my

  bedroom, I feel guilty.

  Gammie is ALWAYS making you feel guilty. Last

  year at Thanksgiving, I put a whoopee cushion

  on her chair, and she sat on it.

  Oh!

  Hee hee

  hee!

  Flbrt!

  41

  A few days later everyone in the whole family got

  a handwritten apology letter from Gammie.

  Dear Family,

  I am writing to apologize for the unfortunate

  incident that occured shortly after our family

  conculded “grace” at our Thanksgiving celebration.

  As I have gotten older, I have found it more

  difficult to control my body, and I’m afraid

  my recent surgery may have contributed to my

  little “slip.”

  I hope that this unfortunate mishap does

  not become the lasting impression of what

  was otherwise a glorious and blessed occassion.

  Love,

  Gammie

  42

  Sometimes I wonder if Gammie is ju
st messing with

  everyone and does this kind of thing on purpose.

  Last Easter she invited the whole family to her

  house, but everyone had their own thing going on,

  and nobody went.

  Gammie called Dad on Easter Sunday and said

  she’d bought a scratch ticket and won the ten-

  million-dollar grand prize. Word got around the

  family quick, and everyone was at Gammie’s house in

  no time flat.

  But it turned out the scratch ticket wasn’t a

  winner after all.

  You have to match

  three of the fruits

  to win, gammie.

  I see.

  43

  Gammie didn’t seem too bothered that she wasn’t a

  multimillionaire after all, and I have a feeling she

  got what she REALLY wanted anyway.

  I hope I live to be ninety-five years old, because

  if I do, I guarantee you I’ll be messing with

  people, too.

  I made a ham in

  case anyone

  stopped by!

  Your underwear

  goes underneath

  your clothes, dad!

  Eh?

  44

  What makes me kind of nervous about going to

  Gammie’s house in November is that it’s time for

  me to get “the Talk.” Every time someone in my

  family gets to be about my age, Gammie sits them

  down and talks to them about who-knows-what. I

  guess it’s one of those elder-wisdom kinds of things.

  The last person to get “the Talk” from Gammie

  was Rodrick, and now I’m next in line. I’m

  hoping Uncle Gary breaks off his engagement so

  we don’t have to go down there, because the whole

  thing is making me a nervous wreck.

  We’ve got a new math teacher at our school named

  Mrs. Mackelroy.

  Thursday

  45

  She used to teach kindergarten, and I don’t

  think she’s real crazy about middle school kids.

  We have math right after Phys Ed, so by the

  time we get to Mrs. Mackelroy’s room, everyone’s

  all sweaty from exercising.

  Mrs. Mackelroy complained to the principal and

  said she can’t teach when it smells like a “monkey

  house” in the room, so the principal said that from

  now on us kids have to take showers after gym.

  Well, I can tell you that most of the boys in my

  class were not on board with that decision.

  46

  The only person who was OK with it was Roger

  Townsend, but he was held back twice and he’s

  practically a man anyway.

  So the rest of us decided we were gonna have

  to fake it. After Phys Ed was over yesterday,

  we all took turns getting our hair wet so it

  LOOKED like we showered.

  47

  I don’t know if we really fooled Mrs. Mackelroy,

  but I don’t think she’s ever gonna go into the

  boys’ locker room and investigate.

  This showering situation reminds me of something

  that happened over the summer, when me and

  Rowley were still friends. I used to go up to

  Rowley’s house just about every day, but the

  problem was that I had to walk past Fregley’s

  house each time.

  I remembered Rodrick saying that a person could

  make it all the way from our house to the top of

  the hill by crawling through the drainage pipe.

  48

  I decided to see if he was right, and believe it

  or not, he was. It was pretty dark and nasty

  in that drainage pipe, but it was totally worth

  crawling through it to avoid Fregley.

  When I headed back home, I went through the

  drainage pipe again.

  49

  But I probably should’ve hosed off in the front

  yard or something, because Mom seemed suspicious

  when I walked through the front door.

  I knew Mom would have a fit if she found out I

  crawled through the drainage pipe, so I didn’t

  say anything. But Mom told me I was gonna

  have to take a shower before dinner. When I

  got out of the bathroom, there was something

  sitting on my bed.

  Sniff

  sniff

  I opened it up and found a stick of deodorant

  and a book.

  What the Heck

  Just Happened to

  MY BODY?

  by Darlene

  Wade, Ph.D.

  I put the deodorant on my dresser, but I tossed

  the book in the trash. I’d seen that one before.

  Mom must’ve gotten the same book for Rodrick

  when he was my age, and I found it in his junk

  drawer. And believe me, I do not need to see the

  pictures in that book a second time.

  51

  And what’s worse is that Mom made me the

  subject of her parenting column in our local paper

  that week. She didn’t use my actual name, but I

  don’t think it would’ve taken a detective to figure

  out who she was talking about.

  Puberty can be a

  difficult time

  Susan

  Heffley

  When a child begins to experience

  the changes that come with

  adolescence, the transformation can

  be uncomfortable, awkward, or

  even frightening. But given the

  right guidance, a child can learn to

  welcome, and even celebrate, the

  transition into adulthood. My

  second-born son recently began his

  wondrous journey into his new

  Sunday

  Tonight Mom called a “house meeting.” And

  whenever she does that, it’s never good. The last

  time we had a house meeting, it was so she could

  complain about the situation in the bathroom.

  52

  She said she was tired of having to clean the floor

  around the toilet because of our “lousy aim.”

  I knew exactly what she was talking about, too.

  One time I actually missed the bus because I used

  the bathroom after Manny.

  greg, you’re

  gonna miss

  the bus!

  i think i’m

  stuck to

  the floor!

  All I can say is, I’m not the one causing the

  problem. When Rodrick uses the bathroom, half

  the time he doesn’t even turn on the light.

  Mom said the new rule was that us boys were

  gonna have to sit down every time we used the

  bathroom, no matter what.

  53

  But none of us guys liked THAT idea. Rodrick

  suggested we just buy a couple of urinals, since

  there are more of US than there are of HER.

  Plus, that way, more than one person could go at

  the same time.

  But Mom said that would be “tacky,” and she used

  her veto power to shut his idea down.

  I thought tonight’s house meeting was gonna be

  a follow-up to the bathroom meeting, since nobody

  was following the sitting-down rule and things

  are worse than ever. But this meeting was about

  something completely different.

  54

  Mom told us that she was going back to school

  and that she
was gonna start taking classes a

  few times a week.

  Well, I was totally caught off guard by this

  news. Mom’s ALWAYS there when I get home

  from school, and that’s the way I like it.

  here

  you go!

  dump

  But Mom said that after all these years of

  staying at home with us kids, she needs to do

  something that stimulates her mind. So she said

  she’s gonna take classes for a semester and see

  how it goes.

  55

  I guess I can understand why Mom would want

  to branch out, because if I did the kinds of

  things she does every day, I’d probably be going

  bananas, too.

  Mom said us men are gonna have to make our own

  dinners a few nights a week and start doing

  chores that she usually takes care of herself.

  Mommy & Me

  DANCE CLASS

  One of those chores is making lunches, and to be

  honest with you, I’m pretty happy that one is

  getting turned over to us.

  56

  Mom writes a note on our lunch bags every day,

  and I can definitely live without THAT.

  Wednesday

  OK, so the first few nights with Mom away have

  been a disaster. We tried making dinner on our

  own on Monday, but none of us knew what we

  were doing.

  Dear Gregory-

  Have a healthy,

  happy day!

  Love,

  Mom

  Manny was in charge of making the iced tea,

  but it was undrinkable since he stirred it with his

  bare hands.

  stir

  stir

  57

  Rodrick was in charge of cooking the roast beef,

  but he forgot to take the plastic wrap off before

  putting it in the oven.

  why is this

  meat shiny?

  So we bagged the homemade meal idea and went out

  to eat. When we left the restaurant, Rodrick spit

  his gum at some moths that were flying around, and

  he hit Dad by accident.

  spit

  58

  Dad chased Rodrick around the parking lot, but