The Last Straw (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 3) Read online

  and all that is because he’s got this boss named

  Mr. Warren, and Mr. Warren has three boys

  who are these crazy sports fanatics. Dad sees

  the Warren kids outside in their front lawn every

  day on his way home from work when his carpool

  goes by their house.

  48…

  49…

  50!

  25

  So I think Dad is pretty disappointed every time

  he gets home and sees what HIs sons are up to.

  Anyway, like I said, Dad kicked me out of the

  house today. I couldn’t really think of anything

  I wanted to do, but then I had a good idea.

  Yesterday at lunch, Albert Sandy was telling

  everyone about this guy in China or Thailand or

  someplace who could jump six feet straight up in

  the air, no joke. The way the guy did it was by

  digging a hole that was three inches deep and then

  jumping in and out of it a hundred times. The next

  day, the guy doubled the size of the hole, and he

  jumped in and out of tHAt. By the fifth day, he

  was practically like a kangaroo.

  26

  Some of the guys at my table told Albert he was

  full of baloney, but what he was saying made a lot

  of sense to me. Plus, I figured if I did what

  Albert said and then added a few days to the

  program, all my problems with bullies could be over.

  looking

  for someone,

  fellows?

  27

  I got a shovel out of the garage and found a

  place in the front yard that looked like a good

  spot to dig. But before I could even get started,

  Mom came outside and asked me what I was up to.

  I told Mom I was just digging a hole, but of

  course she didn’t like tHAt idea. So she came up

  with about twenty reasons why I wasn’t allowed

  to do it.

  Mom told me it was “dangerous” to dig in the

  yard because of underground electrical lines and

  sewage pipes and stuff. Then she made me promise

  up and down that I wouldn’t dig any holes in

  our yard. So I promised.

  28

  Mom went inside, but then she kept watching me

  out the window. I knew I was gonna have to

  take my shovel and go dig a hole somewhere else,

  so I headed up to Rowley’s house.

  I haven’t been going up to Rowley’s much lately,

  mostly because of Fregley. Fregley has been

  spending a lot of time in his front yard, and

  sure enough, that’s where he was today.

  does this scab

  smell funny

  to you?

  My new strategy with Fregley is to just avoid eye

  contact and keep walking, and it seemed to do

  the trick today.

  29

  When I got to Rowley’s, I told him my idea,

  and how the two of us would practically be ninjas

  if we stuck with this hole-jumping program I

  planned out.

  But Rowley didn’t seem so hot on the idea. He said

  his parents might get mad if we dug a ten-foot

  hole in his front yard without asking them, so he

  was gonna have to get their permission first.

  Now, if there’s one thing I know about Rowley’s

  parents, it’s that they never like my ideas. I

  told Rowley we could just cover the hole up

  with a tarp or a blanket or something and put

  some leaves on top of it, and his folks would

  never even find out. That seemed to convince him.

  30

  ok, so I admit that Rowley’s parents might

  eventually find out. But that wouldn’t be

  for at least three or four months.

  aieeeeeeee!

  Me and Rowley found a good spot in the front

  yard to start digging, but we ran into a problem

  right away.

  31

  The ground was pretty much frozen solID,

  and we could hardly even make a dent.

  I spent a few minutes trying before I handed

  the shovel over to Rowley. He couldn’t really

  make any progress, either, but I gave him an

  extra-long turn so he could feel like he was

  contributing to the project.

  Clunk

  sip

  dig

  Rowley got a little bit further than I did, but

  when it started to get dark out, he gave up.

  32

  I guess we’ll have to take another crack at this

  thing tomorrow.

  Sunday

  Well, I thought about it a lot overnight, and

  I realized that at the rate me and Rowley are

  going, we’re gonna to be in college before this

  hole is ten feet deep.

  So I came up with a totally different idea

  for what we could do. I remembered this thing I

  saw on tv where scientists made a “time capsule”

  and filled it with a bunch of stuff like newspapers

  and DVDs and things like that. Then the scientists

  buried their time capsule in the ground. The idea was

  that in a few hundred years someone will come along

  and dig it up, and they can learn how people from

  our time used to live.

  time

  capsule

  do not open

  until 2300 a.d.

  33

  I told Rowley about my idea, and he seemed

  pretty enthusiastic about it. Mostly, I think he

  was just glad we weren’t gonna spend the next

  few years digging a hole.

  I asked Rowley to donate some items to put in

  the time capsule, and that’s when he got cold feet.

  I told Rowley that if he put some of his Christmas

  presents in the time capsule, people in the future

  would get some really cool stuff when they opened

  the box. Rowley told me it wasn’t fair, because I

  wasn’t putting any of mY Christmas presents in

  the time capsule. So I had to explain to him

  that the people in the future would think we

  were really lame if they opened the box and it

  was filled with clothes and books.

  34

  Then I told Rowley I’d throw in three dollars of

  my own money to prove I was making sacrifices,

  too. That seemed to be enough to convince him

  to fork over one of his new video games and a

  couple of other things.

  I actually had a secret plan that I wasn’t

  letting Rowley in on. I knew that putting the

  cash in the time capsule was a smart move, because

  that money is gonna be worth a lot more than

  $3.00 in the future.

  So hopefully whoever finds the time capsule will

  travel back in time and reward me for making

  them rich.

  for you,

  kind sir!

  35

  I wrote a little note and put it in the box just

  to make sure the person who finds it knows

  exactly who to thank.

  To whom it may concern:

  The cash is from

  Greg Heffley

  12 Surrey Street

  Me and Rowley found a shoe box and put all of

  our stuff in it. Then we sealed it up with some

  masking tape.

  Time

  Capsule

  Do not open

&n
bsp; until time

  travel is

  possible.

  I wrote a little note on the outside of the box

  to make sure it didn’t get opened too soon.

  36

  After that, we put it in the hole we dug yesterday

  and buried it as best we could.

  I kind of wish Rowley had put some more effort

  into digging the hole, because our time capsule wasn’t

  really buried all the way. Hopefully nobody will mess

  with it, because it needs to stay there for at

  least a few hundred years.

  pat

  pat

  Monday

  Well, my week got off to a rough start. When

  I got out of bed, Mom’s bathrobe wasn’t where

  it usually is, hanging on my doorknob.

  I asked Mom if she took the robe back, but she

  said she didn’t. So I have a feeling Dad had

  something to do with it.

  37

  A couple of days ago, I figured out a way to

  combine the bathrobe experience and the heating

  vent experience, and I don’t think Dad really

  approved of my idea.

  aaaaaaaahhhh!

  fwoosh

  I figure he either hid the robe or got rid of it.

  Now that I think of it, Dad made a run to the

  Goodwill bin last night after dinner, so that’s

  probably not a good sign.

  Anyway, if Dad DID get rid of the robe, it

  wouldn’t be the first time he’s thrown out someone’s

  personal property. You know how Manny has been

  trying to quit using his pacifier?

  38

  Yesterday morning Dad got rid of every single

  one of Manny’s binkies.

  Well, Manny totally freaked out. The only way

  Mom could get him to calm down was to dig out

  his old blanket, this thing he calls “Tingy.”

  Tingy started off as a blue blanket that Mom

  knitted for Manny’s first birthday, and it was

  love at first sight.

  Manny carried that thing around with him

  everywhere he went. He wouldn’t even let Mom

  take it away from him so she could wash it.

  It started falling apart, and by the time Manny

  was two, his blanket was basically a couple of pieces

  of yarn held together by raisins and boogers.

  39

  I think that’s when Manny started calling his

  blanket “Tingy.”

  For the past couple of days, Manny’s been

  dragging Tingy around the house just like he

  did when he was a baby, and I’ve been trying

  to stay out of his way as much as possible.

  Wednesday

  I’m getting really tired of walking to school every

  day, so this morning I asked Mom if she would

  drive me and Rowley. The reason I didn’t ask her

  sooner is because Mom’s car is covered in all these

  embarrassing bumper stickers, and kids at my school

  are brutal when it comes to that sort of thing.

  40

  I’ve tried scraping the bumper stickers off, but

  whatever kind of glue they put on those things is

  meant to last until the end of time.

  Today me and Rowley got a ride from Mom, but

  I told her to let us out behind the school.

  My child is a

  graduate of

  TenderCuddles

  Preschool

  Are You Sure This is

  Where I’m Supposed

  To Drop You Off?

  Yep,

  Thanks For

  The Ride!

  41

  Well, I made the dumb mistake of leaving my

  backpack in the car, so Mom brought it to me in

  fourth period. And of course she picked toDAY

  to finally start going to the gym.

  It was just my luck, too. Fourth period is the

  only time I have a class with Holly Hills, and

  I’ve been trying to make a good impression on

  her this year. I figure this incident probably set

  me back about three weeks.

  I’m not the only one who’s trying to impress

  Holly Hills, either. I think just about every boy

  in my class has a crush on her.

  You Forgot

  This, Sweetie!

  42

  Holly is the fourth-prettiest girl in the class, but

  the top three all have boyfriends. So a lot of

  guys like me are doing everything they can to get

  in good with her.

  I’ve been trying to come up with an angle to

  separate myself from the rest of the goobers

  who like Holly. And I think I finally figured it

  out: humor.

  See, the kids in my class are like Neanderthals

  when it comes to jokes. To give you an idea of

  what I’m talking about, here’s the kind of thing

  that passes for comedy at my school —

  har har

  har!

  trip

  Anytime Holly’s in the area, I make sure I use

  my best material.

  43

  I’ve been using Rowley as my comedy partner,

  and I’ve actually trained him on a couple of pretty

  decent jokes.

  whatchya doin’?

  eatin’ chocolate.

  where’d ya get it?

  a doggie dropped it!

  heh heh

  heh.

  The only problem is, Rowley’s starting to get a little

  greedy about who gets to say what, so I don’t

  know if this partnership is gonna work out long-term.

  can i do the

  “doggle

  dropped it”

  part?

  um. . .I

  dont’t

  think so.

  44

  Friday

  Well, I learned my lesson about getting a ride

  from Mom, so I’m back to walking to school. But

  when I was heading home with Rowley this

  afternoon, I seriously didn’t think I had the

  energy to make it up the hill to my house. So I

  asked Rowley if he’d give me a piggyback ride.

  Rowley didn’t exactly jump at the idea, so I had

  to remind him that we’re best friends and this is

  the kind of thing best friends do for each other.

  He finally caved when I offered to carry his

  backpack for him.

  gasp

  wheeze

  I have a feeling this was a one-time thing,

  though, because Rowley was completely wiped out

  by the time he dropped me off at my house. You

  know, if the school is going to take away our bus

  ride home, the least they can do is install a ski

  lift on our hill.

  I’ve e-mailed the principal about five times with my

  suggestion, but I haven’t heard anything back yet.

  When I got to my house, I was pretty tired,

  too. My new thing is that I take a nap every

  day after school.

  46

  In fact, I lIVe for my naps. Sleeping after

  school is the only way I can really recharge my

  batteries, and on most days the second I get

  home, I’m in bed.

  aaaaaaahhh!

  I’m actually kind of becoming an expert at

  sleeping. Once I’m out, I can sleep through

  just about anything.

  The only person I know who’s better at sleeping

  than me is Rodrick, and here’
s the reason I

  say that. A couple of weeks ago, Mom had to

  order Rodrick a new bed because he’d worn his out.

  So the furniture guys came to take his old mattress

  and box spring away.

  47

  When they came, Rodrick was in the middle of

  his after-school nap. So they took his bed

  away, and he just slept on the floor, right in

  the middle of his empty bed frame.

  The thing I’m worried about is that Dad is going

  to ban our after-school naps. I’m starting to get

  the feeling he’s sick of waking the two of us up

  for dinner every night.

  Tuesday

  Well, I hate to admit this, but I think my naps

  are starting to have an effect on my grades.

  48

  See, I used to do my homework when I got

  home from school, and then I watched tv at

  night. Lately I’ve been trying to do my homework

  while I watch tv, and sometimes that doesn’t

  work out too good.

  I had this four-page Biology paper due today, but

  last night I kind of got caught up in this show I

  was watching. So I had to try to write the whole

  thing in the computer lab during recess today.

  I didn’t have a lot of time to do any research,

  so I played with the margins and the font size

  to stretch what I had to four pages. But I’m

  pretty sure Ms. Nolan is gonna call me on it.

  To make sure carissa

  sticks around for another

  week, dial “492” or text

  the word “carissa” now!

  Beep beep

  beep

  49

  CHIMPS

  A four-page paper by

  GREG

  HEFFLEY

  1

  This is a

  chimpanzee, or

  “chimp” for short.

  Chimps are the

  subject of the paper

  you’re holding in your

  hand right now.

  2

  50

  Chimps are supposed

  to be smart, but I’m

  not so sure that’s true.

  Get out of