Rodrick Rules (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 2) Read online

  to think of something better if she wants me

  and Rodrick to get along.

  I will not call Rodrick names.

  bunny

  rabbit!

  WAAAAH!

  I will not push Gregory.

  AIEEE!

  23

  The truth is, Rodrick can pretty much treat me

  any way he wants, because he knows there’s nothing

  I can do about it.

  See, Rodrick is the only one who knows about this

  really embarrassing thing that happened to me

  over the summer, and he’s been holding it over my

  head ever since. So if I ever tell on him for any-

  thing, he’ll spill my secret to the whole world.

  I just wish I had some dirt on him to even

  things out.

  I do know one embarrassing thing about Rodrick,

  but I don’t think it’s gonna do me any good.

  When Rodrick was a sophomore, he was sick the day

  they did school photos. So Mom told Dad to mail in

  Rodrick’s freshman picture for the school to use

  in the yearbook.

  Don’t ask me how Dad screwed this up, but he

  sent in Rodrick’s second-grade picture.

  24

  And believe it or not, it actually got printed.

  Unfortunately, Rodrick was smart enough to rip

  that page out of his yearbook. So if I’m ever

  gonna find something to use against him, I

  guess I have to keep digging.

  Wednesday

  Ever since Mom assigned the dishes to me and

  Rodrick, Dad’s been going down to the furnace

  room after dinner to work on this miniature Civil

  War battlefield of his.

  25

  Dad spends at least three hours a night down

  there working on that thing. I think Dad

  would be happy to spend the whole weekend

  working on his battlefield, but Mom has

  other plans for him.

  Mom likes to rent these romantic comedies, and

  she makes Dad watch them with her. But I

  know Dad is just waiting for the first chance to

  break away and go back down to the basement.

  Whenever Dad can’t be down in the furnace

  room, he makes sure us kids keep away from it.

  kiss

  smooch

  26

  Dad won't let me or Rodrick go near his

  battlefield, because he thinks we're gonna mess

  something up.

  And earlier today I overheard Dad say something

  to Manny to make sure he doesn’t go poking

  around back there, either.

  Saturday

  Rowley came over to my house today. Dad doesn’t

  like it when Rowley comes over, because Dad

  always says Rowley is “accident prone.” I think

  it’s because this one time Rowley was eating dinner

  here, and he dropped a plate and broke it.

  I think I just

  heard some

  grunting noises

  coming from the

  furnace room.

  27

  So now Dad has this idea that Rowley is going

  to ruin his whole Civil War battlefield in one

  klutzy move.

  Whenever Rowley comes over to my house these

  days, he gets the same greeting:

  Duh.

  bounce

  The basement

  is off limits.

  Yes,

  sir.

  28

  Rowley’s dad doesn’t like me, either. That’s why

  I don’t go over to his house much anymore.

  The last time I spent the night at Rowley's,

  we watched this movie where some kids taught

  themselves a secret language that no grown-ups

  could understand.

  Me and Rowley thought that was pretty cool,

  and we tried to figure out how to talk in the

  same language the kids were using in the movie.

  But we couldn't really get the hang of it, so we

  made up our own secret language.

  Beegle boddle

  brup bop!

  Bork!

  Translation: at exactly 2:30 P.M., let's

  all drop our books on the floor.

  29

  Then we tried it out at dinner.

  But Rowley's dad must have cracked our code,

  because I ended up getting sent home before

  dessert. And I haven’t been invited to spend

  the night at Rowley’s ever since.

  Your-pa dad-pa

  smells-pa

  like-pa a

  woman-pa!

  hee hee

  hee!

  30

  When Rowley came over to my house today, he

  brought a bunch of pictures from his trip with

  him. He said the best part of his vacation was

  when they went on a river safari, and he showed

  me all these blurry pictures of birds and stuff.

  Now, I've been to the Wild Kingdom amusement

  park a bunch of times, and they have this River

  Rapids ride where they have these awesome robot

  animals like gorillas and dinosaurs.

  If you ask me, Rowley's parents should have just

  saved their money and taken him there instead.

  Did you see any

  sharks fighting

  giant tarantulas

  on your safari?

  No. And sharks

  don't fight

  tarantulas.

  Well, at

  wild kingdom

  they do.

  31

  But of course Rowley didn’t want to hear about

  my experiences, so he just gathered up his pictures

  and went back home.

  Tonight after dinner, Mom made Dad watch one

  of the movies she rented, but Dad really wanted

  to work on his Civil War battlefield.

  When Mom got up to go to the bathroom, Dad

  stuffed a bunch of pillows under the blanket on his

  side of the bed to make it look like he was asleep.

  Mom didn't find out about Dad's decoy until after

  the movie was over.

  She made Dad come to bed, even though it was

  only 8:30.

  32

  And now Manny sleeps in Mom and Dad’s bed,

  because he’s afraid of the monster that lives in

  the furnace room.

  Tuesday

  I thought I was done hearing about Rowley's

  trip, but I was wrong. Yesterday, our Social

  Studies teacher asked Rowley to tell the class all

  about his vacation, and today he came to school

  wearing this ridiculous costume. But what was even

  worse was when some girls came up to Rowley

  at lunch and started kissing his butt.

  Will you

  tell us more

  about your

  trip?

  "Si!" heh,

  heh

  33

  But then I realized maybe that wasn’t such a

  bad thing after all. So I started parading

  Rowley around the cafeteria, because after all,

  he is my best friend.

  Saturday

  Dad has been taking me to the mall every Saturday

  for the past few weeks. At first, I thought it

  was because he wanted to spend more time with me.

  But then I realized he's just making sure he's out

  of the house for Rodrick's band practices, which I

  can totally understand.

  Rodrick and his heavy-metal band practice in the
/>
  basement on weekends.

  Rowley here

  just got back

  from South

  Dakota!

  South

  America!

  Whatever!

  34

  The lead singer of the band is this guy named

  Bill Walter, and me and Dad bumped into Bill on

  the way out the door today.

  Bill doesn't have a job, and he still lives with his

  parents, even though he’s thirty-five years old.

  I’m pretty sure Dad’s worst fear is that

  Rodrick is going to see Bill as some kind of role

  model, and that Rodrick will want to follow in

  Bill’s footsteps.

  So whenever Dad sees Bill, it just puts him in a

  bad mood for the rest of the day.

  Mornin'

  Mr. Heffley!

  35

  The reason Rodrick invited Bill to be in his band

  was because Bill got voted “Most Likely to Be a

  Rock Star” when he was in high school.

  That hasn't really worked out for Bill yet. And

  I think I heard Anna Wrentham is in prison.

  Anyway, me and Dad went to the mall for a few

  hours today, but when we got back, Rodrick’s

  band practice wasn’t over yet. You could hear the

  guitars and drums from a block away, and there

  were a bunch of random teenagers hanging out in

  our driveway.

  Most likely to be a rock star

  36

  I guess they must have heard the music coming

  out of the basement and got drawn to it, sort

  of like how moths get drawn to a light.

  When Dad saw all those teenagers in the driveway,

  he totally freaked out.

  Dad ran inside to call the cops, but Mom

  stopped him before he could dial 911.

  Mom said those teenagers weren’t doing any harm,

  and that they were just “appreciating” Rodrick's

  music. But I don't even know how she could say

  that with a straight face. And if you ever heard

  Rodrick's band, you'd know what I mean.

  37

  Dad couldn't relax with all those teenagers out in

  our driveway.

  So Dad went upstairs and got his boom box.

  Then he put in a classical music cd and let it

  play. And you would not believe how quickly

  the driveway cleared out after that.

  38

  Dad was pretty proud of himself for thinking up

  that one. But Mom accused him of getting rid of

  Rodrick's “fans” on purpose.

  Sunday

  Today, on the car ride to church, I was making

  faces at Manny, trying to get him to laugh. I

  made this one face that made Manny laugh so

  hard that apple juice came out of his nose.

  What? I can't

  enjoy my

  music, too?

  Bwah

  ha ha!

  39

  But then Mom said:

  Well, once Mom put that thought in Manny’s

  head, it was all over.

  See? This is the reason I keep my distance from

  Manny. Every time I try to have a little fun

  with him, I end up regretting it.

  I remember when I was younger, and Mom and

  Dad told me I was getting a little brother. I

  was really excited.

  You could

  have killed

  him!

  40

  After all those years of getting pushed around

  by Rodrick, I was definitely ready to move up a

  notch on the totem pole.

  But Mom and Dad have always been super

  protective of Manny, and they won’t let me lay a

  finger on him, even if he totally deserves it.

  Like the other day, I plugged in my video game

  system, and it wouldn’t start. I opened it up

  and found out that Manny had stuffed a chocolate-

  chip cookie in the disc drive.

  YAAH!

  kick

  YAAH!

  kick

  41

  And of course Manny used the same excuse he

  always uses when he breaks my stuff.

  I really wanted to let Manny have it, but I

  couldn’t do anything with Mom standing right there.

  Mom said she would have a “talk” with Manny, and

  they went downstairs. A half hour later, they

  came back up to my room, and Manny was holding

  something in his hands.

  I'm ownwy

  thwee!

  I'm

  sowwy,

  Bubby.

  42

  It was a ball of tinfoil with a bunch of toothpicks

  sticking out of it.

  Don’t ask me how that was supposed to make up

  for my broken video game system. I went to

  throw the stupid thing away, but Mom wouldn’t

  even let me do that.

  The first chance I get, that thing’s going in the

  trash. Because mark my words, if I don’t get rid

  of it, I’m gonna end up sitting on it.

  Your brother

  made that

  for you!

  43

  Even though Manny drives me totally nuts, there is

  one reason I like having him around. Ever since

  Manny started talking, Rodrick has stopped making

  me sell chocolate bars for his school fund-raisers.

  And believe me, I’m grateful for that.

  Before

  Um ... Hello,

  sir ... would

  you like

  to help

  support

  Not

  interested!

  Now

  Wood you

  wike some

  chokwits?

  How

  precious!

  44

  Monday

  Madame Lefrere made us write our first pen-pal

  letters today. I got assigned to this kid named

  Mamadou Montpierre, and I guess he lives

  someplace in France.

  I know I'm supposed to write in French and

  Mamadou is supposed to write in English, but to

  be honest with you, writing in a foreign language

  is pretty hard.

  So I really don't see the need for both of us to

  stress out over this whole pen-pal thing.

  By the way, remember how I said I was gonna

  end up sitting on Manny’s spiky tinfoil ball thing?

  Well, I was half right.

  Dear Mamadou,

  First of all, I think we should both just

  write in English to keep things simple.

  45

  Rowley came over today to play video games, and

  he ended up sitting on it.

  I’m actually kind of relieved, to be honest with

  you. I lost track of that thing a couple of days

  ago, and I’m just glad it finally turned up.

  And in all the commotion, I threw Manny’s

  “gift” in the garbage. But something tells me

  Mom wouldn’t have stopped me this time.

  Wednesday

  Rodrick has an English paper due tomorrow, and

  Mom's actually making him do it himself for once.

  Rodrick doesn't know how to type, so he usually

  writes his papers out on notebook paper and then

  hands them off to Dad.

  dab

  dab

  46

  But when Dad reads over Rodrick's work, he

  finds all sorts of factual errors.

 
; Rodrick doesn’t really care about the mistakes, so

  he tells Dad to just go ahead and type the

  paper like it is.

  But Dad can’t stand typing a paper with errors

  in it, so he just rewrites Rodrick's paper from

  scratch. And then a couple days later, Rodrick

  brings his graded paper home and acts like he did

  it himself.

  Well, for starters,

  Abraham Lincoln

  didn't write "To Kill

  A Mockingbird".

  47

  This has been going on for a few years, and I

  guess Mom decided she’s going to put an end to

  it. So tonight she told Dad that Rodrick was

  going to have to do his own work this time

  around, and that Dad wasn't allowed to help out.

  Rodrick went in the computer room after dinner,

  and you could hear him typing about one letter

  a minute.

  I could tell the sound of Rodrick typing was

  driving Dad totally bananas. On top of that,

  Rodrick would come out of the computer room

  every ten minutes and ask Dad some dumb question.

  Where's the

  space bar