The Ugly Truth (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 5) Read online

  Rodrick is actually pretty fast, and Dad couldn’t

  catch him. Then Dad tripped over a curb and

  twisted his ankle.

  trip

  So Rodrick had to drive Dad to the emergency

  room. When the doctor asked Dad how he hurt

  his ankle, Dad said he wasn’t looking where he was

  going and he stepped on one of Manny’s trucks in

  the driveway.

  59

  I can kind of understand why Dad didn’t want

  to tell the truth. One time I broke my wrist,

  and I told everyone I broke it in a fistfight.

  What REALLY happened was that I tried to

  stand up after my legs fell asleep from sitting on

  the toilet too long. But I liked my version better.

  wuuuh?

  So it’s only been a few days without Mom, and

  things are already starting to fall apart. We’ve

  got one serious injury so far, and who knows

  what’s in store down the road.

  Thursday

  We brought back leftovers from the Spaghetti

  Barn, and that’s what we had for dinner

  tonight. Dad had to stay late at work, so he

  called Rodrick and told him to warm up everyone’s

  spaghetti in the microwave.

  60

  Rodrick gave me my plate first, and when he did,

  he said—

  careful, it’s

  very hot!

  smack

  smack

  I blew on my spaghetti for a while to cool it

  down. But what I didn’t know was that Rodrick

  never actually heated my spaghetti in the

  microwave—he just pretended to.

  So when I bit into a meatball, it was ice cold.

  ptoo!

  After that experience, I doubt I’ll ever be able

  to eat leftovers again.

  61

  And the bagged lunch thing isn’t working out,

  either. This week Rodrick was in charge of making

  lunches, and he wrote a note on my bag, just like

  Mom does.

  Dear Greg,

  Make sure

  to change

  your diaper

  after lunch.

  Love,

  Mommy

  I didn’t even bother eating the sandwich, since

  I’ve never seen Rodrick wash his hands even once.

  toss

  62

  My chore for the week is laundry, and I can’t

  wait until my shift is over. For the record, I

  think it should be illegal for a boy to have to fold

  his mother’s underwear.

  Friday

  One of the big changes with Mom going to school

  is that now Dad’s in charge of helping me with my

  homework. No offense to Dad, but Mom is WAY

  better at homework help than he is. When Mom

  helps me do my homework, she basically gives me all

  the answers, and I’m in and out in ten minutes.

  the capital of

  russia rhymes

  with “noscow”.

  m- m- m-

  boscow?

  moscow!

  63

  It’s a whole different story with Dad. He wants

  to teach me HOW to do the work, and that’s a

  lot more time-consuming. Plus, it’s been a long time

  since Dad was in school, so I have to sit there

  and wait while he reads my textbooks and gets

  caught up.

  hmmm…

  But math is the worst. I guess the way they

  teach math these days is totally different from

  the way they taught it when Dad was a kid, so

  he gets frustrated with the new rules and starts

  trying to teach me the way he learned it.

  no, no, no…you

  need to add the

  numbers in this

  column and

  carry the four.

  what does

  “carry”

  mean?

  64

  Dad also licks his finger and his thumb to make

  it easier for him to turn the pages. And when he

  does that, I try and keep track of which pages

  he turns so I don’t touch his spit.

  But with all those numbers in my head, it doesn’t

  leave a lot of room for math facts.

  28…29…

  32…35…

  37…

  I can tell when I’ve done something wrong,

  because Dad gets kind of frustrated with me

  and breathes real heavy out of his nose. So I’ve

  learned to put a dish towel on my arm whenever

  we’re working on Algebra.

  lick

  65

  By the time it’s over, two hours have gone by and

  it’s time for me to go to bed. All I can say is,

  I hope Mom wraps up her classes pretty quick,

  because I’m a person who really needs his TV time

  at night.

  Monday

  This math thing is becoming a problem. We have

  “standardized testing” coming up at my school,

  and I heard that the teachers won’t get their

  bonuses unless we get good scores. So there’s a

  lot of pressure on us kids, which kind of stinks.

  I remember back in kindergarten, math used to

  be really FUN.

  one chocolate chip

  cookie plus another

  chocolate chip

  cookie is…

  two! two

  chocolate

  chip cookies!!!

  66

  Mrs. Mackelroy says that if we don’t do well on the

  test, we’ll lose our budget and music class will turn

  into detention, or something like that. But I don’t

  think kids are really getting the message. A few

  weeks ago we had a math quiz, and Mrs. Mackelroy

  said it was “open notebook,” which meant we could

  use our notes and textbooks to help us out.

  Then she left the classroom to take care of

  something, and the second she stepped out the

  door, it was total chaos.

  biff

  tear

  shake

  shake

  rip!

  Practically everybody failed the quiz because people

  were using their notebook paper and books as

  ammunition.

  67

  So, based on that episode, I don’t think Mrs.

  Mackelroy had better make any big plans for how

  she’s gonna spend her bonus.

  October

  Tuesday

  Tonight Dad walked up to me while I was sitting

  on the couch, and he seemed bent out of shape

  about something. He wanted to know why I

  didn’t bring out the recycling bin this morning like

  he asked me to.

  I told him he must be confused, because he never

  said anything to me about the recycling. But he

  said he asked me to do it last night while I was

  playing video games, and to be honest with you,

  that did seem a little familiar.

  68

  If I DID forget, it wasn’t my fault. I actually

  have a really GREAT system for remembering

  things.

  You know how some people leave notes for

  themselves when they need to remember

  something? Well, I think that’s a lot of work,

  and it’s a waste of paper, too.

  So let’s say I’m in bed and Mom walks into my

  room and tells me I have to bring a permission slip


  to school in the morning. I don’t get out of bed

  and write a note.

  69

  I just throw one of my pillows across the room.

  Then, when I wake up in the morning and go to

  walk out the door, I see the pillow and think,

  “Hey, what’s this pillow doing here?”

  toss

  70

  Then I remember, “Oh yeah, I have to bring a

  permission slip to school.” See what I mean? It’s

  totally foolproof.

  Now that I think of it, I DID leave myself

  a reminder to take out the recycling. I

  SPECIFICALLY remember putting my socks on

  the TV before I went to bed, to remind myself

  in the morning.

  And if Dad did something to mess up my system,

  he’s only got himself to blame.

  But Dad wouldn’t let it go. He said now that

  I’m getting older, I need to start being

  more “responsible.”

  71

  I’ve heard this sort of thing from Dad before.

  The last few weeks of the summer, our neighbor,

  Ms. Grove, hired me to take care of her plants

  while she was on a business trip. Well, I did it for

  the first few days, and then I guess you could

  say I got busy with other things.

  When Dad asked me how the plants were doing,

  I realized I hadn’t been over there in at least

  a WEEK. I went to grab Ms. Grove’s key so I

  could water her plants, but the key wasn’t in its

  usual spot.

  I practically turned our house upside down looking

  for that key, but I couldn’t find it.

  72

  It turns out the reason I couldn’t find the key

  was because it wasn’t in our house. I’d left it at

  Ms. Grove’s, and she found it when she got back

  from her trip.

  Ms. Grove was pretty mad that her key was

  in the front door, but the way I see it, she

  should’ve been happy nobody robbed her house.

  She was mad about her plants, too, because

  unfortunately most of them didn’t make it. I

  suggested that maybe she should buy a cactus or

  another plant that doesn’t need a lot of water

  to survive.

  73

  That way, everything would be fine if I lost her

  key the NEXT time she went on a business trip.

  But Ms. Grove said she wouldn’t hire me again even

  if her life depended on it. Then she sent me home

  without paying, which stinks, because I really did

  spend a lot of time looking for that key.

  Anyway, I think that episode is still fresh in

  Dad’s mind, and that’s why I’m hearing this

  “responsibility” thing again.

  Hopefully, Dad will leave my socks on the

  television next time around and things won’t get

  to this point.

  74

  Thursday

  Well, Dad is really serious about me taking on more

  responsibility. And the first thing he wants me to

  do is start waking myself up in the morning.

  That’s actually a real problem, because I depend

  on HIM to wake me up.

  hup hup hup.

  let’s go,

  let’s go!

  zzzzz

  clap

  clap

  clap

  That’s the way we’ve been doing it for YEARS,

  and I really don’t see any reason to change

  things now.

  Dad said that if I don’t learn to wake myself up

  with an alarm clock, then I’m not gonna know

  how to do it when I go off to college.

  75

  But I always figured that would be the way me

  and Dad would stay in touch.

  zzz

  hello?

  hup hup hup.

  let’s go,

  let’s go!

  Yesterday was the first day I tried to wake

  myself up, and it didn’t work out so well. My alarm

  went off and all, but the sound just worked its

  way into my dream.

  meep!

  meep!

  meep!

  cut it

  out!

  meep!

  meep!

  meep!

  76

  And today didn’t go any better. I set my alarm

  to “radio” and tuned it to a classical music station

  because I didn’t want to hear that annoying beep

  first thing in the morning. But the music didn’t

  wake me up, either.

  The problem is, without an actual human being

  waking me up, my brain is always gonna find some

  excuse to keep sleeping. But I think I might’ve

  figured out a solution to this alarm clock situation.

  I found one of those old-style windup clocks in

  the storage room today, and those clocks make a

  huge racket when they go off.

  77

  I tested it out to see if it still worked, and sure

  enough, it did.

  riiinnng

  I don’t think ANYONE could sleep through a

  noise like THAT. The only problem is that the

  clock doesn’t have a “snooze” bar, so I’m worried

  I’ll shut it off and fall back asleep.

  So tonight I hid the clock under my bed. This

  way, when the alarm goes off, I’ll have to get up

  to find the clock, and then I’ll be up for the day.

  Friday

  It turns out the new alarm clock caused some

  new problems.

  78

  With that windup clock ticking under my bed, I

  felt like I was sleeping on top of a bomb that

  was about to go off. So the stress kept me awake

  half the night.

  tick tick

  tick tick

  I sleepwalked through my day at school, which

  was fine until we had an assembly. We were lined

  up to go into the auditorium, and I was leaning

  against the wall.

  But I must’ve fallen asleep for half a second,

  because my hand slipped and I accidentally set off

  the fire alarm.

  79

  The whole school had to evacuate, and three

  minutes later there were a bunch of fire trucks

  out front.

  After they found out there was no fire, they let

  everyone back into the school. The principal got

  on the loudspeaker and said that whoever set off

  the alarm was gonna be suspended and that they

  should turn themselves in.

  80

  I don’t know much, but what I DO know is

  that you shouldn’t announce what the punishment

  is gonna be BEFORE you ask people to turn

  themselves in. So I decided it would be smart to

  keep quiet and let this all blow over.

  After third period, a rumor started going around

  school that the fire alarm squirts out invisible

  liquid when you pull the handle, and that the

  teachers had some sort of special X-ray wand

  they could use to see the liquid on somebody’s

  hand. So it was only a matter of time before they

  found the culprit.

  Then everyone started wondering if it was the

  TEACHERS who started the rumor and it was

  just a trick to see which kid would go to the

  bathroom first to wash his hand
s.

  81

  So that got everyone really paranoid.

  boys

  Then nobody would go to the bathroom, and

  everyone who actually needed to go decided to just

  hold it until the end of the day.

  tap

  tap

  tap

  The principal eventually had to shut the school

  down early because nobody was washing their hands

  and we’re right in the middle of flu season.

  82

  Mom was off at the library studying, so I had to

  call Dad at work and ask him to come pick me up

  from school early. And he didn’t seem too happy

  about it.

  But if he didn’t make me wake myself up, none of

  this would’ve even happened.

  Wednesday

  They’re starting a new unit in our Health class

  called “The Facts of Life,” and apparently it

  covers all the stuff they’ve been dancing around

  for the past couple of months. They sent

  permission slips home, and if you don’t get yours

  signed, you’re not allowed to even be in the

  classroom for the rest of the semester.

  83

  I really don’t like this permission slip thing. Mom

  only lets me watch G-rated movies, so I know

  there’s no way she’ll let me be in the class.

  To get around that problem, I typed up a fake

  note and taped it on top of the actual permission

  slip.

  I give my child permission

  to do extra homework.

  Signature of parent/guardian

  Luckily, Mom didn’t look at the paper too closely,

  and I got the signature I needed.

  now that was

  an easy decision!

  84

  I’m actually glad they’re doing this “Facts of

  Life” unit, because I have a lot of questions about

  this stuff, and I don’t have a reliable way of

  getting answers.

  Just about everything I know in this department

  comes from Albert Sandy, and I’m starting to

  wonder if he’s been feeding me bad information.

  Like last week, he told everyone at the lunch table

  that it’s medically impossible for a girl to fart.