The Last Straw (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 3) Read online

my way, chimp!

  But you

  are one.

  Don’t call

  me “chimp”!

  Oh, yeah.

  Well, it looks like I’m

  out of paper, so I

  guess this is

  The

  end.

  3

  4

  51

  Yesterday I actually got a “zero” on a quiz in

  Geography. But in my defense, it was really hard

  to study for the quiz and watch football at the

  same time.

  To be honest with you, I don’t think teachers

  should be making us memorize all this stuff to

  begin with, because in the future everyone is

  going to have a personal robot that tells you

  whatever you need to know.

  Robot! what’s the

  largest estuary

  in the world?

  Thank you

  very much!

  The ob river,

  in Russia.

  52

  Speaking of teachers, today Mrs. Craig was in a

  really bad mood. That’s because the big dictionary

  that usually sits on her desk was missing.

  I’m sure someone just borrowed it and forgot to

  put it back, but the word Mrs. Craig kept using

  was “stole.”

  Mrs. Craig said that if the dictionary wasn’t

  returned to her desk before the end of the period,

  she was keeping everyone inside for recess.

  Then she told us she was going to leave the room,

  and that if the “culprit” returned the dictionary

  to her desk, there wouldn’t be any consequences,

  and there would be no questions asked.

  53

  Mrs. Craig made Patty Farrell class monitor and

  left the room. Patty takes her job as class monitor

  really seriously, and when she’s in charge, nobody

  dares to step out of line.

  I was just hoping the person who took the

  dictionary would hurry up and come clean,

  because I had two cartons of chocolate milk

  for lunch.

  May i please

  use the

  lavatory?

  No.

  54

  Friday

  But nobody did come forward. And sure enough,

  Mrs. Craig stuck to her promise and kept us inside

  for recess. Then she said she was gonna keep us

  inside every day until the dictionary was returned.

  Mrs. Craig has kept us inside for the past three

  days, and still no dictionary. Today Patty Farrell

  was sick, so Mrs. Craig put Alex Aruda in

  charge of the room while she was gone.

  Alex is a good student, but people aren’t afraid

  of Alex the way they are of Patty Farrell. As

  soon as Mrs. Craig left the room, it was complete

  pandemonium.

  Whap

  Alex

  aruda

  55

  A couple of guys who were sick of getting stuck

  inside for recess every day decided to try and

  figure out who took Mrs. Craig’s dictionary.

  The first person they interrogated was this kid

  named Corey Lamb. I think Corey was number

  one on the list of suspects because he’s smart and

  he’s always using big words.

  Corey fessed up to the crime in no time flat.

  But it turns out he only said he did it because

  the pressure made him crack.

  shake

  Shake

  suck

  suck

  56

  The next kid on the list was Peter Lynn, and

  before you knew it Peter was confessing, too.

  I figured it was just a matter of time before

  those guys cornered me. So I knew I had to

  think up something fast.

  I’ve read enough Sherlock Sammy books to know

  that sometimes it takes a nerd to get you out of

  a pinch. And I figured if anyone could crack

  this case, it was Alex Aruda.

  So me and a couple of other guys who were worried

  about getting hassled went over to Alex to see if

  he could help us out.

  Squeal!

  57

  We told Alex we needed him to solve the mystery

  of who took Mrs. Craig’s dictionary, but he didn’t

  even know what we were talking about. I

  guess Alex had been so wrapped up in his book

  that he hadn’t even noticed what had been going

  on around him for the past couple of days.

  Plus, Alex always stays inside to read during recess,

  so Mrs. Craig’s punishment hadn’t had a big effect

  on his life.

  Unfortunately, Alex has read his share of Sherlock

  Sammy books, too, so he said he would help us if

  we paid him five bucks. Well, that was totally

  unfair, because Sherlock Sammy only charges a

  nickel. But me and the other guys agreed it was

  worth it, and we pooled our money, then forked

  over the five dollars.

  58

  We laid out all the facts of the case to Alex, but

  we didn’t know a whole lot. Then we asked Alex if

  he could get us pointed in the right direction.

  I expected Alex to start taking notes and

  spout some scientific mumbo jumbo, but all he did

  was close the book he was reading and show the

  cover to us. And you’re not gonna believe

  this, but it was Mrs. Craig’s dictionary.

  Alex said he’d been studying the dictionary to get

  ready for the state spelling bee next month. Well,

  that would’ve been nice to know before we gave

  him our five bucks. Anyway, there was no time to

  waste complaining, because Mrs. Craig was gonna be

  back in the room at any second.

  59

  Corey Lamb grabbed the book from Alex and put

  it on Mrs. Craig’s desk. But she walked in the

  room right at that moment.

  Mrs. Craig ended up going back on her whole

  “no consequences” promise, so Corey Lamb is

  gonna be spending the next three weeks inside

  during recess. Looking on the bright side,

  though, at least he’ll have Alex Aruda to keep

  him company.

  Aha!

  Yesterday in the cafeteria, when I emptied out my

  lunch bag, I got two Fruits—and no snacks.

  This was a pretty big problem. Mom always packs

  cookies or sugar wafers or something in my lunch

  bag, and it’s usually the only thing I eat. So I

  had no energy for the rest of the day.

  Tuesday

  February

  What

  the—

  Bink

  Bonk

  At least

  do one!

  I…I

  can’t!

  When I got home, I asked Mom what the deal

  was with the two-fruits thing. She said she

  always buys enough treats to last us the whole

  week, so one of us boys must’ve taken the snacks

  out of the bin in the laundry room.

  I’m sure Mom thinks I’m the one stealing the

  snacks, but believe me, I already learned my

  lesson about doing that.

  Last year I took treats out of the bin, but I

  totally paid the price for it when I opened

  my lunch bag at school and pulled out Mom’s

  substitute snack.


  Would one of you

  gentlemen care to

  trade something

  for a pack of

  croutons?

  62

  Today at lunch it was the same exact thing: two

  fruits and no snacks.

  Like I said, I really depend on the boost I

  get from that sugar. I almost fell asleep in

  Mr. Watson’s class in sixth period, but luckily I

  snapped awake when my head hit the back of

  my chair.

  When I got home, I told Mom it wasn’t fair

  someone else was eating the treats and I was

  having to suffer. But she said she wasn’t going

  to go grocery shopping until the end of the

  week, and that I’d just have to “make do”

  until then.

  Wooozaa!

  63

  Dad wasn’t any help, either. When I complained

  to him, he just made up a penalty for anyone

  caught stealing snacks, which was “no drums and

  no video games for a week.” So obviously he

  thinks it’s either me or Rodrick.

  Like I said, it’s not me, but I figured Dad

  might be right about Rodrick. When Rodrick

  went up to the bathroom after dinner, I

  walked down to his room to see if I could find

  any wrappers or crumbs.

  But while I was poking around in Rodrick’s room,

  I heard him coming downstairs. I had to hide

  quick, because for some reason Rodrick gets really

  bent out of shape when he catches me in his room,

  like he did yesterday.

  Hey look

  at me!

  Right before Rodrick got to the bottom of the

  stairs, I dove into his desk cabinet and shut the

  door. Rodrick walked in the room, then flopped

  on his bed and called his friend Ward.

  Rodrick and Ward talked FoReVeR, and I

  was starting to think I might have to spend

  the night in that desk.

  Rodrick and Ward got into a pretty heated

  debate about whether or not a person could

  throw up while standing on their head, and I

  started to feel like I was gonna throw up myself.

  Luckily, right around then, the phone’s battery

  died. When Rodrick went upstairs to get the

  spare phone, I made a run for it.

  65

  This snack thing wouldn’t even be an issue if I

  had money. If I did, I could just buy something

  from the vending machine at school every day.

  At the moment, though, I’m kind of broke.

  That’s because I wasted all my money on some

  junk I can’t even use.

  About a month ago, I saw these ads in the

  back of one of my comic books, and I sent away

  for a couple of things that were supposed to

  totally change my life.

  x-ray

  goggles

  see thru:

  walls metal clothes

  Personal

  hovercraft

  zoom around

  town on a

  cushion of air!

  float six feet

  above the

  ground!

  print your

  own

  money

  with the

  cash

  machine

  insert a blank

  piece of paper and

  roll out a $5 bill!

  throw

  your

  voice

  ventriloquism kit

  I started receiving my stuff in the mail about two

  weeks ago.

  The Cash Machine turned out to be some stupid

  magic trick where you have to insert your own

  money in this secret slot for it to work. And

  that wasn’t good, because I was really counting

  on that thing to get me out of having to find

  a job when I grow up.

  The X-Ray Goggles just made you see blurry and

  cross-eyed, so that was a bust, too.

  oof!

  67

  The Throw Your Voice thing didn’t work at

  All, even though I followed the instructions

  in the book.

  But the item I had the highest hopes for was

  the Personal Hovercraft. I figured getting home

  after school would be a breeze once my hovercraft

  finally showed up in the mail.

  “I’m an idiot.”

  “I’m an idiot.”

  What the

  heck?

  So long,

  suckers!

  whirrrr

  bus

  stop

  Well, I got the package today, but there wasn’t

  a hovercraft inside. There was just a blueprint for

  how to Build a hovercraft, and I got stuck on

  Step One.

  I just can’t believe the people who write those

  ads can get away with lying to kids like that. I

  thought about hiring a lawyer to sue those guys,

  but lawyers cost money, and like I said before,

  the Cash Machine was a piece of garbage.

  Today, when I got home from school, Mom was

  waiting for me, and she didn’t look too happy.

  It turns out the school sent home mid-quarter

  report cards, and she got the mail before I

  could intercept it.

  Thursday

  Step One:

  Acquire an industrial

  twin-turbine engine.

  69

  Mom showed me the report card, and it wasn’t

  pretty. Then she said we were gonna wait for

  Dad to get home to see what he thought.

  Man, waiting for Dad to get home when you’re in

  trouble is the Worst. I used to just hide in

  the closet, but recently I figured out a better

  way to handle it. Now, whenever I get in trouble,

  I ask Gramma to come over for dinner, because

  Dad’s not gonna act mad at me if Gramma’s around.

  At dinner, I made sure I sat in the seat right

  next to Gramma.

  Why, aren’t

  you a dear?

  70

  Luckily, Mom didn’t mention my report card during

  dinner. And when Gramma said she needed to leave

  to go to Bingo, I tagged right along with her.

  Escaping Dad wasn’t the only reason I went

  to Bingo with Gramma. I also went because I

  needed a surefire way to make some money.

  Catch you

  guys later!

  71

  I figured spending a few hours with Gramma

  and her Bingo friends was a pretty fair price to

  pay for a week’s worth of snacks from the

  vending machine in the school cafeteria.

  Gramma and her friends are experts at Bingo,

  and they’re real serious about it, too. They have

  all sorts of gear like lucky blotters and “Bingo

  Trolls” and stuff like that to help them win.

  One of Gramma’s friends is so good that she

  memorizes all her cards, and she doesn’t even

  need to use a blotter to mark them off.

  For some reason, tonight Gramma and her friends

  weren’t winning like they usually do. But then on

  the “Cover All” game, I got every square. I

  yelled out “BINGO” real loud, and the clerk came

  over to check my card.

  72

  It turns out I messed up and covered a couple

  of squares that I shouldn’t have. The clerkr />
  announced that my win was no good, and everyone

  else in the room was pretty happy that they

  could keep playing.

  Gramma told me not to call so much attention to

  myself if I called out “Bingo” again, because the

  regulars don’t like it when a newcomer wins.

  I thought Gramma was pulling my leg, but sure

  enough, the regulars sent one of their ladies

  over to intimidate me. And I have to admit,

  she did her job really well.

  Well, today wasn’t exactly my best day ever. For

  starters, I flunked my Science test. So it probably

  would’ve been a good idea to have studied last night

  instead of spending four hours at Bingo.

  Friday

  73

  I fell asleep in sixth period today, and this time I

  was out Cold—Mr. Watson had to shake me to

  get me to wake up. As a punishment, I had to

  sit in the front of the room.

  That was just fine with me, because at least up

  there I could sleep in peace.

  I just wish someone woke me up when sixth period

  ended, because I didn’t wake up until the next

  period started.

  Snore

  Snork?

  The class I woke up in was taught by Mrs. Lowry.

  Mrs. Lowry gave me detention, and on Monday

  I’m gonna have to stay after school to serve it.

  Tonight I was totally jittery from my sugar

  withdrawal, but I didn’t have any money to go

  buy a soda or candy from the convenience store.

  So I did something I’m not real proud of.

  I went to Rowley’s and dug up the time capsule we

  buried in his front yard. But I only did it because

  I was desperate.

  I took the time capsule back to my house, opened

  it up, and got out my three bucks. Then I went

  down to the convenience store and bought myself a

  big soda, a pack of gummy bears, and a candy bar.

  75

  I guess I feel a little bad that the time capsule

  me and Rowley put together didn’t stay buried

  for a few hundred years. On the other hand, it’s

  kind of neat that one of us got to open it,

  because we had actually put some really good