The Meltdown (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 13) Read online

  we have to find other ways to entertain ourselves.

  20

  What really stinks is that when Mom catches us

  BEHAVING on the weekends, she thinks it’s

  PROOF that Screen-Free Weekends are working.

  So lately, me and Rodrick have been remembering to

  MISBEHAVE on Saturdays and Sundays so Mom

  doesn’t think her no-electronics policy is working.

  And MANNY joins in, too, because I guess he

  likes to do whatever his big brothers are doing.

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  Mom says kids these days don’t know how to

  interact with one another, because we’re always

  staring at our screens. So she’s been working with

  me and Rodrick on our “social skills.”

  One thing Mom’s always trying to get me to do is

  to look her in the eye when I’m talking to her.

  I can do that for a LITTLE while, but after a

  few seconds it just gets too weird.

  The latest thing Mom’s been making me do is

  practice shaking hands with Dad. But that’s

  awkward for BOTH of us.

  22

  Mom wants me to “branch out” and make more

  friends in the neighborhood. But I’m already

  friends with ROWLEY, and he’s all I can really

  handle right now.

  Even though there are a ton of kids on my

  street, I really can’t see being friends with any

  of them. I ALREADY feel like I’m making an

  exception for Rowley, and the options go downhill

  from there.

  Our house is halfway up Surrey Street, and

  Rowley’s house is near the top. Sometimes it’s a pain

  to even go see HIM, because I have to pass by

  FREGLEY’S house to do it. And nine times out of

  ten, Fregley is hanging out in his front yard.

  23

  Across the street from Fregley is Jacob Hoff, but

  he almost never comes outside because his parents

  are always making him practice the clarinet. And

  on either side of Jacob are Ernesto Gutierrez and

  Gabriel Johns, who are in my grade.

  Ernesto and Gabriel are nice kids and all, but

  they BOTH have bad breath, so those two are

  perfect for each other.

  24

  Two doors down from me is David Marsh, who’s

  really into karate. He’s best friends with Joseph

  O’Rourke, who’s always doing something to get

  himself injured.

  Next door to Joseph is Mitchell Pickett, who makes

  a killing selling premade snowballs in the winter.

  And mark my words, one day that kid’s gonna be

  a MILLIONAIRE.

  25

  Mitchell lives next to a boy one year younger than

  me who everybody calls Speed Bump. But people

  steer clear of him because his two older brothers

  are already in jail.

  There’s a kid named Pervis Gentry who has a tree

  house in his backyard, and he spends his summers

  solving neighborhood crimes. But most of the time

  the person responsible is Speed Bump.

  26

  There’s a duplex three-quarters of the way down

  the hill, and the two families who live in it HATE

  each other.

  I can never keep the kids in that house straight,

  but I know one of them is named Gino because he

  has a tattoo on his arm, even though he’s only

  something like seven years old.

  There’s a boy who lives with his grandmother a few

  doors down, and his name is Gibson.

  27

  Everyone calls him Baby Gibson, because no matter

  how much time goes by he never seems to get any

  OLDER. For all I know, Baby Gibson is thirty-

  two years old and he’s got kids of his OWN.

  There’s a playgroup of preschoolers that gets

  together twice a week at Mrs. Jimenez’s house. I

  don’t know which kids are HERS and which ones

  are her FRIENDS’. What I DO know is that

  those kids are totally out of control, and the

  moms don’t really seem to care.

  28

  There are some older kids on our street, too.

  Anthony Denard is a sophomore in high school,

  and he just started shaving. But he got carried

  away with the razor blade and accidentally shaved

  off one of his eyebrows.

  Anthony drew it back on with a brown marker,

  but he didn’t do a good job, and now one half of

  his face always looks surprised.

  Anthony’s best friend is Sheldon Reyes, who tried

  to make money plowing the neighbors’ driveways

  the first time it snowed this winter.

  But Sheldon doesn’t have his license yet, and he

  did a lot of damage in our neighborhood before his

  dad found out his son was using his truck.

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  A few doors down from me are the Garza twins,

  Jeremy and Jameson, who made up their own

  language when they were toddlers. And when

  those two are together, no one can understand a

  word they say.

  There are a bunch of GIRLS on my street, too,

  but they’re just as bad as the GUYS.

  30

  The Marlee sisters live across from Rowley’s house,

  and all five of them were born within a few years

  of each other. I don’t know what their deal is,

  but those girls will just randomly attack people

  who come into their yard.

  Emilia Greenwall lives a few doors down from the

  Marlee sisters. Emilia always dresses like a princess,

  and I think she’s seen too many Disney movies.

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  Latricia Hooks lives in the one-story house across

  from the duplex, and she’s a six-foot-two high

  school junior. Rodrick won’t go anywhere NEAR

  Latricia, because she used to bully him when he was

  MY age.

  Latricia’s sister Victoria is in love with Ernesto

  Gutierrez for some reason, and Victoria’s best

  friend, Evelyn Trimble, dresses like a vampire.

  In fact, I’m pretty sure Evelyn thinks she IS a

  vampire, which is one reason I’m glad I don’t ride

  the bus anymore.

  32

  I haven’t even mentioned HALF the kids who live

  on my hill. But if I went down the whole list, it’d

  take FOREVER.

  Mom always asks me why I’m not friends with any

  kids at the BOTTOM of the hill, even though

  I’ve told her a million times why that’ll never

  HAPPEN.

  Surrey Street is divided into two halves. There’s

  UPPER Surrey Street, which is the hill, and

  LOWER Surrey Street, which is the flat part at

  the bottom.

  And even though we all live on the same street,

  the hill kids and the non-hill kids can’t STAND

  one another.

  33

  Living on the hill is no fun. First of all, it’s really

  far from the school, and that last stretch at the

  end of the day is no joke. ESPECIALLY when

  it’s hot like it has been lately.

  The worst thing about living on a hill is that there’s

  not a lot you can DO on it. And if you want to

  play with a ball, you can forget about it.

  34
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  But the kids who live at the BOTTOM of the hill

  have it MADE. Their part of the street is FLAT,

  so they can do anything they want down there.

  That’s why all the athletes come from LOWER

  Surrey Street.

  The thing is, the kids who live at the bottom of

  our street think they OWN it. And if any of us

  hill people come down there to PLAY, the Lower

  Surrey Street kids won’t LET us.

  35

  In fact, the reason it took me four years to

  learn to ride a bike was because I had to do it

  in five-second spurts.

  But when it SNOWS, the tables are turned. All

  of a sudden the Lower Surrey Street kids want to

  use our hill for SLEDDING, but that’s when we

  give those guys a taste of their own medicine.

  Most of the time we can keep the Lower Surrey

  Street kids off the hill. But they’re SNEAKY,

  and sometimes they slip past us.

  Last winter, a bunch of the Lower Surrey

  Street kids bought the same winter gear as the

  hill kids, and it was WEEKS before any of us

  caught on.

  37

  If you live on Surrey Street, you’re either a

  HILL kid or a NON-hill kid, and there’s no

  switching sides.

  There’s a kid named Trevor Nix who lived on the hill

  until last summer, which is when his family moved to

  a bigger house at the bottom of the street.

  But the kids down there still consider Trevor a

  HILL person, so they won’t let him play on the

  street. Us hill kids think of him as a traitor for

  moving, and we won’t let him sled in the winter.

  So now Trevor is basically stuck indoors year-round.

  38

  There’s a lot of bad blood between the Upper

  Surrey Street kids and the Lower Surrey Street

  kids, which is why we can’t be friends. But

  whenever I try to explain the situation to Mom,

  she just doesn’t get it.

  In fact, NONE of the moms on our street do.

  They’re all friends with each other, and they have

  no CLUE about what’s REALLY going on.

  Lately, though, things have been pretty calm on

  our street. Us hill kids keep to OUR side, and the

  other guys keep to THEIRS. But if someone does

  something stupid, this whole place is gonna BLOW.

  39

  Sunday

  The temperature dropped about fifteen degrees

  over the weekend, so today my family was out

  looking for our pet pig.

  For Christmas vacation, my family went away and

  we left the pig in a kennel. But I guess the pig

  thought it should’ve come WITH us, and it wasn’t

  too happy about being left behind.

  40

  When we got back HOME, the pig let us know

  how it felt about not being included on our family

  vacation.

  After a few days of the pig acting out, Dad

  decided enough was enough, and he sent it to

  “obedience school.” But the next morning we got

  a call from the lady who runs the place, and she

  said our pig ESCAPED.

  41

  We’ve been putting up signs asking for help

  finding our lost pig ever since. But that thing is

  SMART, so I don’t think it’s LOST. It just

  doesn’t want to be FOUND.

  I figure the pig is probably off HIBERNATING

  somewhere. Mom says pigs don’t do that, but if

  you ask me, I think they SHOULD.

  If I was an animal, that’s EXACTLY what I’D

  be doing right now. On the last day of the fall,

  I think everyone should get in their pajamas and

  check out until the spring.

  When I was younger, I actually TRIED to

  hibernate, but it didn’t work.

  42

  I used to get SUPER excited for Christmas,

  and once December rolled around it was really

  hard for me to wait until the big day.

  So one year on December 1st, I told my parents

  I was gonna go to sleep, and that they shouldn’t

  wake me up until Christmas morning. I was pretty

  surprised when they didn’t put up a fight.

  I went to bed that night, but I only slept until

  1:30 p.m. the next day. Then my sleep schedule

  was screwed up for the next two weeks.

  43

  Mom says it’s IMPOSSIBLE for human beings

  to hibernate, but I’m not 100% convinced

  that’s TRUE.

  There’s this group of wild kids who live in the

  woods, and everyone calls them the Mingos. You

  never see the Mingos in the WINTER, and

  when they make their first appearance in the

  SPRING, they look like they just woke up.

  So if they’re not HIBERNATING, I don’t know

  WHAT they’re doing all winter.

  The rest of us NORMAL people have to grind it

  out and deal with the cold weather.

  44

  And the only way to do THAT is to stay inside

  as much as possible and keep warm.

  When we got back from our trip a few weeks

  ago, there was a package on our front step.

  It was a Christmas gift from Aunt Dorothy,

  and when we opened it, there was a giant

  BLANKET inside.

  That thing was AMAZING. It was really soft,

  but it was also HEAVY, which is exactly how I

  like my blankets. The only problem was that the

  gift was for all three of us boys, and we started

  fighting over it right away.

  We wanted to use the blanket at the same time,

  so Mom told us we were gonna have to take

  TURNS with it.

  45

  But the three of us have never been any good

  at SHARING, so Mom had to make a blanket