The Meltdown (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 13) Read online

schedule that spelled out who got to use it when.

  But that wasn’t really FAIR. Manny has his

  OWN blanket, so he was double-dipping.

  When it was MY turn to use the blanket, I tried

  to make the most of it.

  But it was really hard to enjoy myself, because

  Rodrick would start hovering over me when I still

  had fifteen minutes left on my shift.

  We each got three half-hour shifts a night, but

  Rodrick would cheat Manny out of HIS turn by

  taking the blanket into the bathroom right before

  Manny’s shift was supposed to START. Then

  Rodrick would sit in there for an HOUR, which

  cut into MY shift.

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  So Mom made a rule that we can’t take the

  blanket into the bathroom.

  One night I slept with the blanket in my room,

  and Rodrick complained because he wanted to use

  it while he ate breakfast. Mom made a NEW rule

  that said if you slept with the blanket, it had to

  be returned downstairs by 8:00 a.m.

  By the end of the first week, there were so

  many rules that Mom had to put them all in a

  MANUAL, which ended up being something like

  twenty-five pages long.

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  But THAT didn’t solve our problems, and

  eventually Mom took the blanket away to give it

  to someone who “deserved” it. She said it was our

  fault we couldn’t have something nice, because we

  didn’t know how to SHARE.

  Grown-ups are always talking about how great

  sharing is, but personally, I think it’s overrated.

  And if I ever get enough money, I’m gonna

  build a big castle all for myself, and there’s gonna

  be a big heavy blanket in every room.

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  Monday

  When I woke up this morning, it was below

  freezing outside. I was relieved it actually felt like

  WINTER again, but when Mom told me I had to

  wear thermal underwear to school, I thought maybe

  global warming isn’t such a bad thing after all.

  I HATE wearing thermal underwear, because it’s

  uncomfortable, and I feel RIDICULOUS wearing

  it. Thermal underwear looks cool when it’s on the

  mannequin at the mall, but when I put it on, I

  just look like a retired superhero.

  The mannequins at the mall are always super buff,

  and they make guys like me who can’t spend three

  hours in the gym every day look bad.

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  If I ever get in really good shape, I’m gonna

  sign up to be a mannequin model. Because that would

  be an awesome thing to brag about on a date.

  The mannequins you see at the sports store are

  always in athletic poses, and it looks like it would

  be HARD to stay in that position while someone

  sculpts you. And that’s just too much effort for a

  job that should be EASY.

  So when I apply for the job, I’m gonna do it at

  the bed and bath store.

  Mom says I’m LUCKY to have thermal underwear,

  because our ANCESTORS didn’t have this kind of

  stuff to keep them warm.

  Sometimes I WONDER about my ancestors,

  though. I have no idea why they chose to live

  HERE when they could’ve picked somewhere a

  whole lot warmer.

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  But I can’t complain, because they SURVIVED,

  and everything they did led directly to ME. I

  just wish they could see how I turned out so

  they’d know all their sacrifices were WORTH it.

  I guess we’re ALL lucky to be here, because

  human beings have had to go through a LOT to

  get to where we are now.

  At school, we learned that 10,000 years ago a

  big sheet of ice covered half the planet. And if

  people made it through THAT, I guess we can

  get through ANYTHING.

  My teacher said that one day the Earth is

  gonna be in another ice age and the glaciers will

  come back, but I hope it doesn’t happen anytime

  SOON.

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  I’ve heard glaciers move SLOWLY, which is a

  good thing. Because maybe we’ll have a chance to

  DO something about it.

  I don’t know which is worse, a planet that’s too

  HOT or one that’s too COLD. All I know is

  that today it was cold, and it wasn’t fun walking

  to school in the morning.

  I tried to cheer myself up by thinking of things

  I LIKE about the winter, but I came up with a

  really short list. Christmas is great and all, but

  after that it’s just a long slog to the spring.

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  I’ve decided the only thing that actually makes

  winter worth it is the HOT CHOCOLATE. I

  used to be on the Safety Patrols, and I’d get free

  hot chocolate at school. But after I got kicked

  off, I had to start bringing my OWN.

  Lately, I’ve been filling a thermos with hot

  chocolate every morning, and that keeps me warm

  on the walk to school.

  But today, Dad must’ve grabbed MY thermos

  and left me with HIS. And I didn’t realize what

  happened until I took a giant gulp of cream of

  mushroom soup.

  I wish Mom and Dad would drive me to school in the

  morning, but they leave a half hour before I do.

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  There are some kids on my hill whose parents drive

  them in on cold days like today. But when me and

  Rowley try to flag them down to hitch a ride,

  they won’t even make eye contact. And that

  really stinks, because us hill kids are supposed to

  have each other’s BACKS.

  It was so cold out today, the teachers decided

  to keep us indoors for recess, which was perfectly

  fine with ME.

  The LAST time we had outdoor recess on a day like

  today, Albert Sandy was saying it was so cold that

  your spit would freeze before it hit the GROUND.

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  Well, it turns out he was WRONG, and recess

  that day was a total NIGHTMARE.

  Usually, indoor recess isn’t very fun. We’re

  supposed to play board games and do arts and

  crafts, but kids always get restless and find ways

  to liven things up.

  So today, our teacher said we were gonna try

  something NEW.

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  She taught us how to play a game called

  “Museum,” where everyone has to freeze like a

  statue and hold still for as long as possible.

  It was actually pretty FUN, but when recess

  ended, I realized it was just an easy way to get

  us to BEHAVE for a half hour.

  The thing I don’t like about being indoors at

  school in the winter is that a lot of kids are

  SICK, and I really don’t want someone getting

  ME sick.

  Our school is FULL of germs, and NOBODY

  covers their mouth when they cough or sneeze.

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  Walking down the hallway between classes is like

  walking through a war zone.

  Nobody remembers to sneeze into the crook of

  their arm, and kids like Albert Sandy aren’t

>   HELPING things. Today at lunch, Albert told

  a story about a guy who covered his sneeze, and

  when he did, he blew his head clean OFF.

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  I told Albert his story wasn’t true, but he swore

  it WAS. He said the guy actually SURVIVED,

  and now he works as a grocery bagger at the local

  Shop-n-Dash.

  Albert’s ALWAYS spreading bad information like

  that, and the kids at my table believe every word

  he says. So now there’s ZERO chance any of

  these guys will cover their mouths the next time

  they have to sneeze.

  A couple of weeks ago, Albert said that when

  someone’s pet dies in the winter, they have to wait

  until the ground thaws in the spring before it can

  be buried. He said they need somewhere to KEEP

  their pets in the meantime.

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  Albert said the people in our town use the school

  cafeteria’s walk-in freezer to store their pets

  for the winter, and that right now it’s full to

  CAPACITY

  .

  I’m almost POSITIVE this is just another one

  of Albert’s stupid made-up stories. But until we

  find our PIG, I’m not gonna order the Pork

  Barbecue Special, just in case.

  I’m seriously thinking of changing lunch tables,

  because I’m tired of sitting with Albert Sandy

  and all these other idiots every day. One kid I

  won’t miss is Teddy Silvetti, who wears the same

  sweater all winter long.

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  Teddy’s sweater has NEVER been cleaned, and

  there are food stains all over it. Sometimes the

  kids at my table try to guess what each stain

  IS, which is what they were doing today.

  See, this is the reason girls at my school have

  pictures of pop singers in their lockers. The guys

  in my grade just aren’t giving them any good

  OPTIONS.

  I can’t even IMAGINE how many germs are on

  Teddy’s sweater, which is why I sit at least two

  seats away from him.

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  Most of my brain power at school goes to keeping

  tabs on whose germs are WHERE. And I’ve

  already filled up two notebooks this winter.

  The times it gets tricky is when you have TWINS

  like Jeremy and Jameson Garza. I can’t tell them

  apart, and today it looked to me like one was

  sick, but the other one WASN’T.

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  So I shot a spitball in the sick one’s hair to make

  it easier to keep track of him.

  The only GOOD thing about being sick is the

  cherry lozenges Mom gives me when I have a sore

  throat. I know you’re supposed to suck on them

  real slow, but I chew those things like CANDY,

  and I go through a few packs a day.

  The girls in my grade LOVE the smell of cherry

  lozenges, which almost makes being sick WORTH it.

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  Unfortunately, the GUYS in my grade like the

  smell, too. And they’re always trying to get me

  to GIVE them some.

  A few weeks ago, I thought I felt a sore throat

  coming on, and I brought three packs of cherry

  lozenges to school with me. I kept one pack in my

  pocket and the OTHER two in my locker.

  But Jake McGough sniffed out the packs I was

  keeping in my locker, and by the time I found

  out, Speed Bump had already picked the lock.

  I wish I didn’t have to go to school at ALL

  during cold and flu season. Maybe one day I’ll buy

  one of those big plastic bubbles so I’m not exposed

  to other kids’ germs.

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  But I’m sure my bubble wouldn’t last a DAY before

  some jerk popped it.

  Even though I hate being sick, I’m kind of glad

  they haven’t come up with a cure for the cold yet.

  Because if they DID, I wouldn’t be able to fake

  being sick and stay home from school to play

  video games.

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  It was even colder today on the walk HOME

  than it was on the walk to school. And this time

  me and Rowley were facing the WIND, which made

  it ten times WORSE.

  It was so bad that we had to make a few pit

  stops on the way home. The first place we ducked

  in was the pizza shop, because there’s a big oven

  in there, so it’s always warm inside. But when the

  guy who owns the place realized we weren’t gonna

  BUY anything, he kicked us out.

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  Our next stop was the town library. That’s a

  public building, and I knew they couldn’t tell us

  to leave. But when the librarians started getting

  pushy with the books, we left on our OWN.

  I wish we’d used the bathroom in the library before

  we headed back outside, though, because when we

  got halfway home, Rowley really needed to go. We

  knocked on a few doors, but when people saw us,

  they pretended they weren’t home.

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  We finally got someone to ANSWER, but by that

  point Rowley’s face was so frozen, he couldn’t

  even form WORDS.

  By the time we got to Surrey Street, I thought

  Rowley was gonna have a medical emergency. But

  I knew none of the Lower Surrey Street people

  were gonna let us inside their houses.

  There’s a big ROCK in Mr. Yee’s front yard,

  and I told Rowley he should duck behind it to do

  his business. Personally, I wouldn’t pee outside in

  THIS kind of cold, because Albert Sandy told us a

  story about what happened to a guy who DID.

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  But I didn’t feel like it was the right time to

  mention that to Rowley, and I’m not really sure he

  had to go number ONE, anyway.