Double Down (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 11) Read online

CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  CACKLE

  52

  Sunday

  Well, all the hard work we put into decorating for

  Halloween yesterday got wiped out.

  A bunch of geese got at the jack-o’-lanterns in

  the middle of the night and made a HUGE mess.

  Every fall, geese flying south for the winter

  make a pit stop in our town and stick around for

  a few weeks before heading back out. Usually they

  poop all over the soccer field at the town park,

  but other than that they’re pretty harmless.

  For some reason, though, this year they’re

  SUPER aggressive toward people.

  53

  For the past few weeks, me and Rowley have been getting ambushed just about every day on our walk

  home from school.

  And the geese aren’t just going after KIDS,

  either. Whenever Dad goes out to get the mail,

  he’s gotta arm himself for

  battle.

  Dad wants to call Animal Control to clear the

  geese off our street, but Mom won’t let him.

  HONK

  HISSSSSS

  54

  She says geese have been flocking to these parts

  for thousands of years, and if anything, WE’RE

  the ones intruding on THEIR lives.

  I’m personally fine with animals, as long as they

  keep their distance. But I think if we don’t draw

  a line somewhere, we’re just headed for trouble.

  My science teacher said that 40,000 years ago,

  dogs used to be wild animals, just like wolves. But

  then I guess they saw our warm fires and cozy

  caves and wanted to get in on the action. So they

  wagged their tails and did a few tricks and that’s

  all it took.

  55

  Nowadays, dogs have it MADE. People spend all

  kinds of money buying them gourmet food and

  cushiony beds.

  I’m sure the reason wolves seem so ticked off all

  the time is because they’re just jealous THEY

  didn’t think of kissing up to people first.

  CATS aren’t stupid either. Last summer Mrs.

  Fredericks up the street fed a stray cat that

  was hanging out in her yard, and each night

  after that MORE cats came. Now the cats have

  completely taken over her house, and she recently

  had to sell her car so she could afford to keep

  feeding them.

  56

  We’ve got problems with our OWN pet, which is a

  PIG. Personally, I think it should live outside in

  a pen or a shed or something, but instead it lives

  inside the house with US. And not only does it

  use the same bathtub as me, but I’m 99% sure

  it’s been using my TOOTHBRUSH, too.

  And that thing is SMART, which makes me kind

  of nervous.

  DAB

  DAB

  57

  In fact, I think it’s been trying to learn how to

  COMMUNICATE with us. Manny has this toy

  called a “See-and-Talk,” where you pull a string

  and it says a word.

  Somehow, the pig figured out how to USE the

  See-and-Talk, and every so often it manages to

  put together a full sentence.

  PIG...EAT...

  ICE CREAM

  PULL

  PULL

  PULL

  SEE

  AND

  TALK

  58

  Lately I’ve been thinking there’s gotta be a way

  the two of us can team up. I’ve heard a pig’s

  sense of smell is 2,000 times better than a human

  being’s. That talent could really come in handy.

  Mom always buys the Halloween candy for trick-

  or-treaters a few weeks early, and she hides it

  somewhere so the rest of us don’t get at it. I’ve

  turned the house upside down looking for it, but

  so far no luck. And if the pig knows what I’m

  looking for, it’s not being very helpful.

  This time of year is TORTURE for a kid. There

  are all these candy commercials on TV, and every

  time you walk into the grocery store it’s like they’re

  TRYING to mess with you.

  59

  But Mom says I can’t have any candy until

  Halloween night, which I think is totally cruel.

  I think I’ve figured out a way to get my hands

  on some candy BEFORE Halloween, though. My

  school is having a contest called the “Balloon

  Brigade,” which it does every October.

  Each student gets a helium balloon, and everyone

  releases theirs at the same time. They give you

  these little cards to write your name and address

  on, and when people find the balloons they’re

  supposed to send them back.

  STOCK UP ON

  CANDY

  60

  The school has a big map on a bulletin board near

  the library, and when a kid turns in a balloon,

  Vice Principal Roy uses a thumbtack to mark how

  far it went.

  At the end of the week he measures the distance

  each balloon traveled to find out whose went the

  farthest, and that kid gets a REWARD.

  GREETINGS

  FROM THE

  PLEASE

  SEND

  THIS

  BALLOON

  BALLOON

  BRIGADE!

  BACK

  TO

  THE

  ADDRESS

  WRITTEN

  ON

  THE

  REVERSE

  SIDE

  OF

  THIS

  CARD

  AND

  LET

  US

  KNOW

  HOW

  FAR

  IT

  TRAVELED!

  BALLOON

  BRIGADE!

  61

  Last year, Andrea Gennarro’s balloon traveled

  forty-three miles, and she won a thirty-dollar

  gift certificate for the book fair.

  But THIS year the grand prize is a giant jar of

  candy corn, which is sitting in Vice Principal Roy’s

  office right now.

  The school puts a little code on each balloon so

  nobody cheats and turns in a store-bought balloon.

  I’ve never had one of my balloons sent back to

  me, though. I need to make SURE that whoever

  finds mine doesn’t just ignore me, so I wrote

  a three-page letter that I’m hoping will get a

  response.

  62

  Because when it comes to free candy, I’m not

  messing around.

  Monday

  After lunch today the teachers led us all out to

  the basketball court for the big Balloon Brigade

  launch. I still get kind of nervous stepping foot

  on the blacktop, because that’s where the Cheese

  sat for a year and a half. There’s even a stain

  where it used to be.

  To whoever finds this balloon:

  I am a lonely child without any

  friends. I released this balloon

  hoping it would find its way to a

  kind person who might write me

  back and bring some joy to my life.

  63

  It’s been a long time since the Cheese terrorized

  our school, but I guess some people actually


  LIKED having something to be scared of. A

  few different times kids have tried to start the

  Cheese Touch back up, but the teachers are on

  the lookout because they don’t want to have to go

  through all that nonsense again.

  One kid actually managed to sneak a piece of lunch

  meat onto the court during recess, but the Roast

  Beef Touch didn’t have the same ring to it.

  HEY!

  YOU'VE GOT THE

  ROAST BEEF

  TOUCH! HA HA!

  64

  Still, someone’s ALWAYS trying to start some

  new thing. This year it’s all about the chairs in

  the auditorium.

  The chairs are red except ONE, which is yellow

  and has a busted leg. Apparently some kid peed

  on it during a really long assembly last month.

  And if you’re not paying attention and sit in the

  yellow chair, you’re pretty much finished for the

  rest of the school year.

  If you ask me, people should just be happy

  the Cheese Touch is behind us and stop trying

  to replace it with something else. Because the

  last thing you need in middle school is anything

  EXTRA to worry about.

  TINKLE SEAT!

  TINKLE SEAT!

  65

  Today, Vice Principal Roy did a countdown on his

  bullhorn and everyone released their balloons. I

  have to admit, it was kind of exciting to see all of

  them go up in the air at the same time.

  But the excitement didn’t last LONG.

  Almost all of the balloons went straight into the

  new cell phone tower they built on the hill next to

  the football field, and didn’t go any farther.

  66

  Luckily, my balloon was weighed down by the

  letter I wrote, so it went UNDER the tower,

  and then it cleared the trees on the other side.

  I don’t think my balloon is gonna make it as far

  as Andrea Gennarro’s did, but I don’t NEED it

  to. As long as someone finds the balloon and sends

  it back, that jar of candy corn is MINE.

  I just hope they write instead of call. I put

  Mom’s cell phone number on my letter, but

  apparently it’s gonna be a few days before they fix

  the tower and people in town can get service again.

  67

  Wednesday

  It’s been two days, and still no word on my

  balloon. I’m starting to get a little worried,

  because the contest ends Monday, and if nobody

  gets their balloon back, I’m sure Vice Principal

  Roy is gonna keep the candy for HIMSELF.

  Lately I’ve been having trouble staying focused

  at school, but luckily my homework hasn’t been

  that hard. Our reading assignment was to write

  a biography on a famous author, so I chose the

  Spineticklers guy.

  But it turns out there’s barely ANY information on

  him. In fact, the only thing I could find was the

  little blurb in the back of

  his books.

  Who is I.M.

  SPOOKY?

  Almost nothing is known

  about the mysterious I.M

  Spooky. Allwe can say for

  sure is that he's cooking up

  a terrifying new entry in the

  Spineticklers series!

  68

  The good news is that since I wasn’t really able

  to find anything on I.M. Spooky, I was finished

  with my entire author’s bio in about two minutes.

  With a name like I.M. Spooky, I guess you have

  no CHOICE but to write scary books for a living.

  I kind of wish I had never started reading

  those Spineticklers books, though. Because once

  you start reading them, it’s hard to STOP. And

  they’re starting to affect my everyday life.

  AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY

  AUTHOR NAME:

  BIRTHDATE:

  PLACE OF BIRTH:

  HOBBIES:

  EDUCATION:

  INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT

  THE AUTHOR:

  I.M. Spooky

  69

  Going to the dentist was never that much fun to

  begin with, but after I read Spineticklers number

  67, it got even WORSE.

  I’ve checked out every Spineticklers book from the

  library, and I even borrowed a few Spineticklers

  Junior books from Rowley so I could keep going.

  And just like I predicted, the books are starting

  to give me nightmares. Spineticklers number 71 is

  about this kid who grows a lizard tail and tries to

  hide it from his family and teachers.

  Spineticklers

  MY DENTIST

  IS THE

  DEVIL

  WHIRRR

  BY I.M. Spooky

  70

  That one really stressed me out, and the night I

  read it, I had a dream that I was the one with

  the tail.

  Actually, my dream started off really GOOD,

  because there are a bunch of fun things you can do

  with a tail that you wouldn’t even think of.

  Spineticklers

  TAILS,

  YOU

  LOSE

  BY I.M. Spooky

  SLURP

  SMACK

  71

  In my dream I wasn’t ashamed of my tail, I

  was PROUD of it. And I used it to its full

  advantage.

  The only thing I didn’t like about it was that when

  I got excited about something, everyone could tell.

  DO YOU THINK

  THAT GIRL IS

  CUTE?

  NOT

  REALLY.

  WAG

  WAG

  DRIBBLE

  DRIBBLE

  72

  Then all of a sudden my tail became a PROBLEM.

  People got jealous, and the next thing I knew, I

  was being hunted like I was some kind of monster.

  I ran for my LIFE and escaped through a

  window, and the townspeople chased me down the

  street and through a shopping mall. I almost got

  away, but then my tail got stuck in the escalator.

  WHERE'D

  HE GO?

  73

  I swear I could actually FEEL

  it happen, and it

  In fact, the dream was so realistic that I turned

  on the light to see if I actually DID have a tail.

  And I have to say, I was a little disappointed

  when I realized that nothing was there.

  That’s not the ONLY bad dream I’ve had

  because of those books, though.

  woke me up.

  SCREAM!

  74

  The other night I had a dream where I was

  captured by zombie pirates and made to walk

  the plank. For some reason, I kept repeating

  this stupid rhyme.

  Unfortunately, I was saying it for REAL, so

  now Rodrick has a video of me talking in my sleep.

  STEP, STEP, STEP,

  NO, NO, NO! PLOP,

  PLOP, PLOP, IN I GO!

  STEP, STEP, STEP,

  NO, NO, NO! PLOP

  PLOP, PLOP, IN I GO!

  75

  Sometimes my dreams are so ridiculous I actually

  KNOW I’m having a nightmare. And when that

  happens, I try to snap out of it.

  Other times I THINK I’m having a nightmare

&
nbsp; but I’m actually NOT. Then when I try to wake

  myself up, I realize I’m not asleep.

  WAKE UP,

  DUMMY!

  SPLASH

  CHOMP

  GOBBLE

  PTOO

  76

  Mom has this book that explains how to make

  sense of dreams, and it’s actually pretty

  interesting. Basically everything that happens in

  your dreams has some kind of deeper meaning.

  Apparently the one about the tail means I’m

  ashamed of something in my past. And the dream

  about the pirates means I’m stressed out about

  not being a good enough friend.

  The other night I had a dream that all my teeth

  were loose, and apparently that one’s about a fear

  of getting older, which kind of makes sense.

  Falling

  A dream about falling means you

  have a fear of losing control of your

  life. It could also mean you're afraid

  you don't have enough time to get

  everything done.

  ACHOOO!

  77

  But it’s gonna take me FOREVER to decode the

  dream I had LAST night, because that one was

  just completely bonkers.

  Thursday

  It turns out picking the Spineticklers author

  for my reading assignment was a bad call. Almost

  ALL the kids in my class did their author

  biographies on I.M. Spooky, and NOBODY

  could find any information on the guy. I think

  our teacher, Mrs. Mott, thought we were trying

  to be funny, so she said we all had to stay in for

  recess every day until we redid our assignment.

  MUSTARD ON MY

  TURNIPS, PLEEAAASE!

  KICK

  FWOOM

  FWOOM

  78

  I think part of why Mrs. Mott got so mad is

  that she’s getting sick of everyone doing their

  book reports on the Spineticklers series.

  Last week at least five kids picked the exact

  same book for their assignment, and it just about

  pushed Mrs. Mott over the edge.

  Spineticklers

  MY TEACHER IS A

  CANNIBAL

  BY I.M. Spooky

  79