Double Down (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 11) Read online

  But the last straw was when Amanda Pickler did

  a Book Talk on “The Brain with a Mind of Its

  Own.” Amanda brought in a fake brain made out

  of Jell-O, but she lost her grip and dropped it on

  the floor, which made two kids pass out.

  A bunch of parents aren’t happy about the

  Spineticklers books, either. I heard that Danny

  McGlurk’s dad went to last week’s PTA meeting

  and said he wanted the books banned because they

  promote WITCHCRAFT.

  OOPS!

  SPLOP

  80

  Apparently, Mr. McGlurk caught Danny dabbling

  in the “dark arts” in his garage, and Mr.

  McGlurk blamed it all on the Spineticklers books.

  But the way I heard it, Danny was just

  practicing magic tricks for the fall talent show.

  I seriously hope the Spineticklers books don’t get

  banned, because they’re the only thing keeping my

  reading grade up.

  We’re required to read fifteen books by the end of

  the year, and ALL of mine are from that series.

  The way you prove you finished reading a book is

  by taking a multiple-choice test on the computer.

  AHA!

  BEGINNER'S

  MAGIC SET

  81

  I’ve gotten a 100% on every single test I’ve

  taken so far, which I guess proves I’m really

  paying attention when I read the books.

  When I got home, I told Mom how Mrs. Mott

  was making us redo our author biographies, and I

  didn’t know what to do.

  But Mom told me the reason I couldn’t find any

  information on I.M. Spooky is because he’s not an

  actual PERSON.

  I told Mom that was ridiculous because this guy

  has written almost 200 books. But Mom said

  sometimes publishers create a fictional author and

  then hire a bunch of people to write books under

  that name.

  QUESTION 12:

  Who did the Chattering Chompers eat?

  Mother

  Father

  Baby Ellis

  All of the above

  82

  I gotta say, if that’s true I feel kind of

  cheated. But I feel worse for ROWLEY, because

  he wasted his time writing I.M. Spooky a letter.

  Mom was trying to help me find a different

  author who’s an actual human being when there was

  a knock at our door. I answered it, and there

  was a lady and some kid I’d never seen before.

  Dear Mr. Spooky,

  First

  of

  all

  let

  me

  say

  I am a huge fan. But

  the reason I am writing

  is

  to

  complain

  that

  the

  book "Scaredy Cat and

  the Haunted House" was

  WAY too scary.

  83

  I was pretty spooked when she asked if my

  name was Greg Heffley. That’s when I saw the

  deflated balloon in the kid’s hand, and I put two

  and two together.

  At first I was kind of excited, because if someone

  found my BALLOON, that meant I was gonna

  get that giant jar of candy corn. But then I

  remembered what I wrote in my letter and wished

  I could take some of it back.

  I didn’t want these people thinking I was some

  weird kid who makes friends by sending out letters

  attached to helium balloons. But I guess it didn’t

  really matter. I figured I could just take my

  balloon back and send them on their way.

  And finally, if you find this balloon

  and return it to me without delay, I

  can promise you a large cash reward.

  I have a rich uncle and I'm sure he'd

  be happy to hook you up.

  Sincerely,

  Greg

  Heffley

  84

  Before I knew it, though, Mom was at the front

  door, and she invited them INSIDE. Thirty

  seconds later we had these two total strangers

  sitting at our kitchen table.

  The lady introduced herself as Mrs. Selsam and

  said her son’s name was Maddox. They live in the

  next town over. Apparently this kid Maddox was

  practicing the violin in his bedroom and saw the

  balloon dangling from a tree branch outside.

  85

  Mrs. Selsam said their house is way out in the

  sticks, and they don’t really have any neighbors.

  Plus, because she works full-time and goes to

  school at night, she doesn’t get many chances to

  set up “playdates” for Maddox.

  She said that when she read the letter she knew

  it was “meant to be,” and they got in the car and

  drove right over.

  I was starting to get REALLY uncomfortable.

  All I was trying to do was win some candy corn,

  and now things were getting totally out of control.

  But before I could explain this was all a big

  misunderstanding, Mom told me I should take

  Maddox upstairs and get to know him while she

  chatted with Mrs. Selsam in the kitchen.

  86

  So now this kid was in my ROOM. And it seemed

  like it was just as awkward for HIM as it was

  for ME.

  I tried making conversation, but I couldn’t get

  a WORD out of him. Eventually I gave up and

  just pretended he wasn’t there.

  When I turned on my computer to play a

  video game, though, Maddox turned into a

  TOTALLY different person. He got all worked

  up and started making strange noises.

  OOOOH!

  OOOO0H!

  ITCH

  ITCH

  BLEEP

  BLORP

  BLAP

  87

  I didn’t know WHAT was going on, but five

  seconds later Mrs. Selsam came running into my

  room and turned off my monitor. She said she

  doesn’t allow Maddox to play video games, and the

  reason he was so “animated” was because he’d never

  actually SEEN one before.

  I wish she hadn’t said her kid doesn’t play video

  games, because I didn’t need Mom getting any

  crazy ideas.

  Maddox was having trouble calming down, so

  Mrs. Selsam said they should probably be heading

  home. And that was just fine by ME. But I

  wish I hadn’t been so eager to get them out the

  door, because after they drove away I realized I

  never did get my balloon back.

  PANT

  PANT

  88

  Saturday

  Yesterday I told Vice Principal Roy that someone

  found my balloon, but he wouldn’t hand over the

  candy corn unless I brought the balloon in to

  prove it.

  So today when Mom said she wanted to take me

  to Maddox’s house for a get-together, I was all

  for it. I figured I’d make a little chitchat, grab

  the balloon, and be on my way.

  But Mom had OTHER plans. When we got to the

  Selsams’ house, which really WAS in the middle of

  nowhere, Mom said she was gonna go into town

  and have coffee wit
h Mrs. Selsam while I hung

  back with Maddox.

  Believe me, if I would’ve known THAT was gonna

  be the deal, I never would’ve gotten in the car.

  89

  When Mom dropped me off, I figured I might

  as well try to make the most of it. Maddox was

  actually TALKING this time, so that was a

  decent start at least.

  I asked Maddox if he had any junk food, but he

  said his mom doesn’t let him have any of that kind

  of stuff. I asked him if he wanted to watch some

  TV, but he told me they didn’t HAVE a television.

  At first I thought he was joking, but sure enough,

  in the family room there was a BOOKSHELF

  where the TV was supposed to go.

  In fact, there were books EVERYWHERE in

  this house.

  90

  I asked Maddox what he does for fun, and he said

  he either practices his violin or plays with his Legos.

  I was pretty relieved to hear that he actually had

  some TOYS, because I was starting to wonder

  about this kid.

  But when he showed me what he had in his bedroom,

  I was totally blown away.

  He had a whole Lego CITY in there. Maddox said

  he wants to be an engineer when he grows up,

  and whenever he asks for a Lego set, his mom

  buys it for him. All I can say is, she must have

  spent a FORTUNE.

  91

  I wanted to play with some of the big sets

  Maddox had, but he wouldn’t let me go anywhere

  NEAR them.

  He told me if I wanted to play with his Legos, I

  could use the pieces from his “leftovers” bin. That

  was a pretty big letdown, because the leftovers

  bin was filled with a bunch of random pieces.

  So while Maddox was putting together a 500-piece

  Lego spaceship, I did the best with what I had.

  DIG

  DIG

  92

  After about an hour and a half, Mom and Mrs.

  Selsam finally came back. Luckily, my balloon was

  sitting on the little table next to the front

  door, so I grabbed it on the way out.

  But just when I was about to get in the car,

  Mrs. Selsam came running out with Maddox right

  behind her. Maddox said I “stole” from him. I

  tried to explain that the balloon was actually

  MINE, and I was just taking it BACK.

  HORSE

  93

  But Maddox wasn’t talking about the BALLOON.

  He said I stole one of his LEGOS. Apparently

  one of the pieces was missing from his leftovers

  bin. And don’t even ask me how he knew THAT.

  I swore up and down I didn’t take any of his

  Legos, and I even turned my pockets inside out

  to prove it. But he STILL wasn’t satisfied.

  So I actually let Maddox and Mrs. Selsam pat me

  down, which was totally humiliating. But I gotta

  admit it was pretty satisfying when they couldn’t

  find anything on me.

  After that I thought I was in the clear, and

  I turned to get in the car.

  PAT

  PAT

  PAT

  PAT

  94

  That’s when Maddox spotted a Lego that was

  stuck to my elbow.

  What really stinks is that it was one of those

  tiny square pieces, and I’m sure Maddox had a

  BILLION of those in his leftovers bin.

  Anyway, that’s how our “playdate” ended.

  On a positive note, I got what I came for. But

  on the way home, Mom seemed pretty upset. I

  thought she was mad about the Lego piece, but

  she wasn’t.

  ACTUAL

  SIZE

  HEY!

  95

  She said she was disappointed I didn’t hit it off

  with Maddox, because she thought he was a good

  “role model” for me.

  But if Mom wants to connect me with someone I’ll

  actually look UP to, she’s gonna have to try a

  little harder.

  Monday

  For the past few days, Mom’s been doing an

  experiment on me and Rodrick. She wanted to see

  how long we’d go before one of us would take out

  the trash without being told. But I guess we

  failed the test, because last night she gave up.

  SCRAPE

  96

  At dinner, Mom said she didn’t go to college just

  so she could spend her time cleaning up after

  everyone and scraping gum off our shoes. She said

  she needed to be in a “stimulating environment”

  and was going back to school full-time to finish her

  master’s degree.

  She said that for this to work, everyone’s gonna

  have to pitch in extra around the house. So to

  make chores “fun,” she created a “Grab Bag,”

  which is a pillowcase filled with little slips of paper

  that have random jobs written down on them.

  I’m pretty sure she got the idea from “Family

  Frolic” magazine.

  Me and Rodrick are supposed to reach into the

  Grab Bag every day after school and do a chore.

  WASH THE

  WINDOWS

  DO THE

  DISHES

  97

  Mom told us that if we do our chores, she’ll let us

  dip into the Halloween candy a little early.

  Well, that’s proof it’s SOMEWHERE in the

  house. But that’s just gonna be BONUS candy

  for me, because today at school I traded in my

  balloon for that big jar of candy corn in Vice

  Principal Roy’s office. And as soon as I got

  home, I hid it in the bottom drawer of my

  dresser so I didn’t have to share it with anyone.

  After that was taken care of, I reached into

  the Grab Bag and pulled out a slip of paper and

  got “Polish the Silverware,” which has to be the

  worst chore in there.

  Rodrick must have added his OWN items to the

  Grab Bag, because I found him asleep next to a

  slip of paper with his handwriting on it.

  98

  I decided to help myself to some candy corn as a

  reward for finishing my chore, but when I walked

  into my room, my bottom drawer was open and the

  jar was EMPTY.

  It didn’t take me long to find the culprit. I

  found the pig stumbling around the kitchen like it

  was drunk or something.

  At first I was mad, because not only did the pig

  eat all my candy corn, but it somehow figured out

  how to unscrew the jar to do it.

  TAKE A NAP

  ZZZZ

  99

  Then I started getting kind of WORRIED,

  because the pig really didn’t look so good.

  I figured Grandpa might know what to do, but

  he was out on a date with Mrs. Fredericks. I

  woke Rodrick up and asked HIM what to do, and

  he said I should call Dad. So I did, but Dad was

  in a meeting.

  I didn’t want to bother Mom, because I knew she

  was at her college signing up for classes. But the

  pig was turning green, so I called her anyway. I

  told her that the pig seemed pretty sick, and

  she asked me if it had eaten anything strange. />
  100

  I really didn’t wanna tell her it had gotten into

  my candy corn, so I told her I wasn’t sure. She

  said we’d better take the pig to the vet just

  in case, and that she was leaving school and would

  meet us there.

  Rodrick wasn’t happy I was waking him up for

  the second time in five minutes, but one look at

  the pig convinced him we needed to get moving.

  On the ride over, I held the pig in my arms in

  the back of Rodrick’s van. But halfway to the vet

  the pig started making weird sounds.

  GLORK

  GLORK

  GLORK

  LODED

  DIPER

  101

  I told Rodrick to pull over, but by the time he

  did it was already too late.

  Now there was a giant, gooey, orange-and-yellow

  puddle on the floor of Rodrick’s van. And I’m

  pretty sure I’ll never be able to look at candy

  corn the same way again.

  Rodrick said it was my fault for making the pig

  sick, so it was MY job to clean it up. Then he

  handed me a roll of paper towels and told me to

  get to work.

  BLORF

  LODED

  DIPER

  102

  Even though the puddle was candy corn, it didn’t

  SMELL like it. I tried mopping it up while

  holding my breath, but it was hopeless.

  Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and realized I

  was gonna get sick MYSELF. Fortunately, I was

  able to get out of the van in time.

  UNFORTUNATELY, the lady whose yard we

  were parked in front of was outside raking leaves

  and saw the whole thing.

  BLECH!

  DIP

  103

  I guess she thought we were a couple of bad kids

  and this was some kind of juvenile prank, because

  she said she was calling the COPS.

  So I got back in the van and we peeled out of

  there as fast as we could and turned on to the

  highway. But we didn’t get far.

  Luckily, I was able to explain everything to the

  police officer, but he didn’t seem to want to hear

  all the details.

  POLICE

  LODED