The Last Straw (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 3) Read online

  here’s what I found: a sheet of construction

  paper with a piece of candy taped to it, and it

  was from Rowley.

  Sometimes I just don’t know about that boy.

  fresh

  100

  March

  Saturday

  The other day Dad found Manny’s blanket, Tingy,

  on the couch. I don’t think Dad knew what it

  was, so he threw it away.

  Ever since then Manny’s been turning the house

  upside down looking for his blanket, and finally

  Dad had to tell him that he accidentally threw

  it out. Well, Manny got his revenge yesterday

  by using Dad’s Civil War battlefield as a playset.

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  Manny’s been taking his anger out on everyone

  else, too. Today I was sitting on the couch just

  minding my own business, and Manny walked up to

  me and said —

  I didn’t know if “Ploopy” was some kind of little-

  kid bad word or what, but I didn’t like the

  sound of it. So I went to find Mom and ask

  her if she knew what it meant.

  Unfortunately, Mom was on the phone, and

  when she’s gabbing with one of her friends, it

  takes forever to get her attention.

  Ploopy!

  Mom Mom

  Mom Mom

  Mom Mom

  Mom

  Blah Blah

  Blah Blah

  Blah

  Tug

  Tug

  I finally got Mom to stop talking for a second,

  but she was mad that I interrupted her. I told

  her Manny called me “Ploopy,” and she said —

  That kind of threw me for a second, because it’s

  the exact question I was trying to ask her. I

  didn’t have an answer, so Mom just went back to

  her conversation.

  After that, Manny knew he had a green light to

  call me Ploopy whenever he wanted, and that’s what

  he’s been doing all day.

  What is a Ploopy?

  Wipe my

  heinie,

  Ploopy!

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  I guess I should’ve known that telling on Manny

  wasn’t gonna get me anywhere. When me and

  Rodrick were little, we used to tell on each other

  so much that it made Mom crazy. So she brought

  out this thing called the Tattle Turtle to solve

  the problem.

  Mom came up with the Tattle Turtle idea when

  she taught preschool. The idea behind the Tattle

  Turtle was that if me and Rodrick had a problem

  with each other, we had to tell the Tattle

  Turtle instead of Mom. Well, the Tattle Turtle

  worked out great for Rodrick, but not so

  much for me.

  Tattle turtle,

  rodrick stole all

  the money from

  my piggy bank!

  104

  On the car ride to church today, I felt like I

  was sitting on something sticky. And when I got

  out and turned around to look at the back of my

  pants, there was chocolate all over them.

  Manny had brought his Easter bunny with him

  in the car, and I must’ve been sitting on an ear

  or something.

  Mom was trying to get the family inside so we

  could get good seats, but I told her there was

  no way I was going in there looking like that.

  I knew Holly Hills and her family were probably

  already there, and I really didn’t need her

  wondering if I’d pooped in my pants.

  Easter

  105

  Mom said skipping church on Easter wasn’t an

  option, and we argued back and forth. Then

  Rodrick chimed in with his solution.

  Rodrick knows that church on Easter is always

  at least two hours long, so he was just looking

  for an excuse to get out of it. But right at

  that moment, Dad’s boss and his family pulled up

  alongside us in the parking lot.

  He can wear

  my pants!

  Happy Easter,

  heffleys!

  Honk

  Mom made Rodrick put his pants back on, and then

  she gave me her sweater to tie around my waist.

  I don’t know which was worse: wearing dress pants

  with chocolate all over them or wearing Mom’s pink

  Easter sweater like a kilt.

  Church was pretty full. The only seats that were

  empty were right up front where Uncle Joe and

  his family were sitting, so we sat next to them.

  I looked around, and I spotted Holly Hills and

  her family three rows back. I was pretty sure

  she couldn’t see what I was wearing from the

  waist down, so that was a relief.

  107

  As soon as the music started up, Uncle Joe

  reached out to hold hands with me and his wife,

  and he started singing.

  I tried to break free a couple of times, but

  Uncle Joe had an iron grip. The song was only

  like a minute long, but to me it felt like half

  an hour.

  After the song was over, I turned to the people

  behind us, pointed at Uncle Joe, and made the

  “cuckoo” sign so everyone knew I wasn’t on board

  with this holding-hands thing.

  Twirl

  108

  Somewhere in the middle of church, they passed

  a basket around so people could give money to

  help the needy.

  I didn’t have any money of my own, so I

  whispered to Mom to see if she would give me a

  dollar. Then, when the basket came to me, I

  made a big deal of putting the dollar in the

  basket to make sure Holly could see how generous

  I was.

  But when I put the money in the basket, I

  realized Mom had given me a twenty, not a

  single. I tried to grab the basket to make

  change, but it was too late.

  All I can say is, I better get some points in

  Heaven for that donation.

  109

  I’ve heard that when you do good deeds, you’re

  supposed to be all private about it, but that

  doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to me.

  If I start hiding my good deeds, I’m sure I’ll

  just regret it later on.

  Like I said before, the Easter service is super

  long. One of the songs was going on for about

  five minutes, and I started looking for ways to

  entertain myself.

  But what about

  that squirrel I

  helped with the

  broken leg?

  Sorry ... I

  must’ve

  missed that.

  110

  The way that Rodrick keeps himself busy when

  he’s bored is by picking at this scab on the back

  of his hand that he never lets heal, but I’m not

  really interested in going that route.

  Manny has it made in church. Mom and Dad let

  him bring all sorts of stuff with us to keep him

  entertained. Believe me, Mom and Dad never let

  me bring anything to church when I was his age.

  Mom and Dad always baby Manny, though,

  and I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking

  about. Last week Manny was at preschool, and

  when he opened up his lunchbox his san
dwich was

  cut in half, not in quarters, the way he

  likes it.

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  Manny threw a huge temper tantrum, and the

  teachers had to call Mom. So she left work and

  drove all the way down to Manny’s school to

  make the extra slice.

  Anyway, I was thinking about this at church, and

  all of a sudden I got an idea in my head. I

  leaned over to Manny and whispered —

  Well, Manny completely lost it.

  There you

  go, sweetie!

  Sniff

  Ploopy!

  112

  He started bawling, and everyone in the church

  turned their heads our way. Even the minister

  stopped talking to see what was going on.

  Mom couldn’t calm Manny down, so we had to

  leave. Instead of walking out the side door,

  though, we walked right down the center aisle.

  I tried to look as cool as possible when we

  walked past the Hills family, but it was pretty

  tough, considering the circumstances.

  The only person more embarrassed than me was

  Dad. Dad tried to cover his face with the church

  bulletin, but his boss spotted him and gave Dad

  the “thumbs up” on the way out.

  113

  Things have kind of been tense around the house

  since the mess the other day. First of all, Mom was

  really mad at me for calling Manny “Ploopy,” so I

  had to remind her that she didn’t have any problem

  when manny said it. So Mom banned the word

  for everyone, and she said that if anyone was

  caught saying it, they’d be grounded for a week.

  But of course it didn’t take long for Rodrick to

  find a loophole.

  Wednesday

  Monday

  Pl-

  Tuesday

  -oo-

  Today

  -py!

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  This isn’t the first time Mom has banned us

  from saying certain words in the house. A while

  back, Mom made a “no swearing” rule, because

  Manny was picking up new words left and right.

  Every time someone said a bad word in front of

  Manny, they had to put a dollar in his “Swear Jar.”

  So Manny was getting rich off of me and Rodrick.

  And then Mom upped the ante by banning words

  like “stupid” and “jerk” and stuff like that.

  @#$%!

  @#$%!

  Drop

  Smash

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  To keep from going bankrupt, me and Rodrick

  came up with a bunch of code words that meant

  the same thing as the banned words, and we’ve

  been using them ever since.

  Every once in a while, I forget to switch back

  when I get to school, and I end up looking

  dumb. Just today, David Nester spit out a piece

  of gum and it landed in my hair. I really let loose

  with everything I had, but I don’t think I upset

  David too much.

  Spooky

  stork!

  Raspberry

  plastic

  tickle bear!

  116

  The other thing that’s changed since Easter is

  that Dad has been on me and Rodrick’s case. I

  guess he’s tired of us looking bad in front of his

  boss, Mr. Warren.

  Dad made Rodrick enroll in an sat class, and

  he made me sign up for Rec League soccer.

  Soccer tryouts were tonight. The coaches lined

  up all the kids for a “skills test,” where you had

  to dribble the ball between some cones and stuff

  like that.

  I tried my best, but I got ranked “Pre-Alpha

  Minus,” which I’m sure is just adult code words

  for “You Stink.”

  I said go

  around

  the cones!

  Doink

  After the skills test, they put us on different

  teams. I was hoping I’d get one of those fun

  coaches who doesn’t take sports too seriously, like

  Mr. Proctor or Mr. Gibb, but I got the worst

  one out of the whole bunch, Mr. Litch.

  Mr. Litch is one of these drill sergeant types

  who likes to yell a lot. Mr. Litch used to be

  Rodrick’s coach, and he’s pretty much the reason

  Rodrick doesn’t do sports any more.

  Anyway, our first real practice is tomorrow.

  Hopefully, I’ll just get cut so I can get back to

  playing video games. Twisted Wizard 2 is supposed to

  come out soon, and I heard it’s awesome.

  You need a

  haircut!

  118

  I got put on a team with a bunch of kids I

  didn’t really know. The first thing Mr. Litch did

  was hand out uniforms, and then he told us to

  come up with a team name.

  I suggested that we call our team the “Twisted

  Wizards,” and get the Game Hut to sponsor us.

  Nobody liked my idea, though. One kid said we

  should call the team the “Red Sox,” which I

  thought was a terrible idea. Number one, the Red

  Sox are a baseball team, and number two, our

  soccer uniforms are blue.

  But of course everyone else loved the idea, and

  that’s the name that won out. Then the assistant

  coach, Mr. Boone, said he was worried that if we

  called our team the Red Sox, we might get sued.

  Thursday

  119

  I’m pretty sure those guys have better things to

  do than to go around suing middle school soccer

  teams, but like I said before, nobody wanted to

  listen to my opinions.

  So the team voted to change the name to “Red

  socks,” and that was final.

  After that we started practice. Mr. Litch and

  Mr. Boone made us run laps and do leg-lifts and a

  bunch of other stuff that had nothing to do with

  soccer. In between wind sprints, I hung out by

  the water cooler with the other two Pre-Alpha

  Minus guys. And every time we were slow getting

  back to the field, Mr. Litch would yell —

  Get your

  butts over

  here!

  120

  Me and the other guys thought it would be pretty

  funny if the next time Mr. Litch said that, we all

  ran at him with our butts sticking out.

  So the next time Mr. Litch yelled for us to get

  our butts over there, I ran with my rear end

  pointed at him. But the other guys totally

  hung me out to dry.

  Mr. Litch did not appreciate my sense of humor,

  and he made me run three extra laps.

  When Dad picked me up at the end of practice,

  I told him that maybe this soccer thing wasn’t

  such a good idea, and that he should probably

  just let me quit.

  121

  That made Dad pretty mad, so he said —

  Which isn’t really true at all. I’m a huge quitter,

  and so is Rodrick. And I think Manny is on his

  third or fourth preschool by now.

  Anyway, I got the feeling that if I’m gonna

  get out of soccer, I’m gonna have to think of

  another angle.

  Ever since I started playing soccer, I’ve been

  going through my clothes twice a
s quick as I did

  before. I’ve been totally out of clean stuff to

  wear for a while now, so I’ve been pulling all of

  my clothes out of my dirty laundry piles. But I

  found out today that recycling clothes from the

  dirty laundry pile can be risky.

  No son of

  mine is a

  quitter!

  Friday

  122

  I was walking by some girls in the hallway

  today, and a pair of dirty underwear fell out of

  one of my pant legs. I just kept walking and

  hoped that the girls might think the underwear

  wasn’t actually mine.

  But I paid the price for that decision later on

  in the day.

  Hee hee hee!

  plop

  A pair of boys’ underpants

  with the name “Greg H.”

  written on the waistband was

  found in the hallway. Would

  the owner please come to the

  front office to retrieve his

  article of clothing?

  Har har

  har!

  Har har

  har!

  123

  I think I’d better hurry up and learn how to

  do my laundry, because I’m really running out of

  options. Tomorrow I’m gonna have to wear a

  T-shirt I got from my Uncle Gary’s first wedding,

  and I’m really not looking forward to it.

  I was kind of down in the dumps on the walk home

  from school today, but then something happened to

  change that. Rowley told me one of his friends

  from karate was having a sleepover this weekend,

  and he asked me if I wanted to come along.

  Gary and Linda

  Everlasting Love

  124

  I was about to say “no way,” but then Rowley

  said something that got my attention. The kid

  who’s having the party lives on Pleasant Street,

  which is in the same neighborhood that Holly Hills

  lives in.

  At lunch today I overheard a couple of girls saying

  that holly is having a sleepover Saturday night,

  so this could really be the opportunity of a

  lifetime for me.

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