The Last Straw (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 3) Read online

  stuff in there.

  I didn’t really know what to expect from detention,

  but when I walked into the room, the first

  thought I had was, “I don’t belong in here with

  these future criminals.”

  I took the only empty seat, which was right in

  front of this kid named Leon Ricket.

  Monday

  Leon is not the brightest kid in our school. He

  was in detention because of what he did when a

  wasp landed on the window in homeroom.

  I found out that all you do in detention is sit there

  and wait for it to be over. You’re not allowed to

  read or do your homework or ANYTHING, which

  is a pretty dumb rule, considering that most of the

  kids in there could really use the extra study time.

  Mr. Ray was the moderator, and he more or less

  kept an eye on us. But every time Mr. Ray looked

  away, Leon would flick my ear or give me a Wet

  Willie or something like that. Eventually Leon got

  careless, and Mr. Ray caught Leon with his finger

  in my ear.

  77

  Mr. Ray said if he caught Leon touching me again,

  he was gonna be in big trouble.

  I knew Leon was just gonna go back to bugging

  me, so I decided to put a stop to it. As soon

  as Mr. Ray’s back was turned, I slapped my

  hands together to make it seem like Leon hit me.

  Yes,

  Mr. Ray.

  ouch!

  smack

  78

  Mr. Ray turned around and told Leon he was

  gonna have to stay another half hour, and that

  he had detention again tomorrow.

  On the way home, I was wondering if I made

  the smartest move back there at the school. I’m

  not exactly the fastest runner, and a half hour

  isn’t that big of a head start.

  Tonight I realized all of my current problems

  can be traced back to when someone in my family

  started stealing the lunch snacks. So I decided

  to catch the thief once and for all.

  Tuesday

  79

  I knew Mom had gone grocery shopping over the

  weekend, so there was a fresh supply of snacks in

  the laundry room. That meant the snack thief

  was pretty much guaranteed to strike.

  After dinner I went in the laundry room and

  turned off the light. Then I climbed in an empty

  basket and waited.

  About a half hour later, someone came in the

  room and turned on the light, so I hid under a

  towel. But it turns out it was just Mom.

  I stayed perfectly still while she got clothes out

  of the dryer. Mom didn’t notice me in there, and

  she dumped the clothes from the dryer right into

  the bin where I was hiding.

  80

  Then she walked out of the room, and I waited

  some more. I was seriously ready to wait there all

  night if that’s what it took.

  But the clothes from the dryer were really warm,

  and I started feeling a little drowsy. And before

  I knew it, I was asleep.

  I don’t know how many hours I slept, but what

  I Do know is that I woke up to the sound of

  crinkling cellophane.

  Dump

  zzzzz

  81

  When I heard the sound of chewing, I turned

  on my flashlight and caught the thief red-handed.

  It was Dad! Man, I should have known it was

  him from the start. When it comes to junk food,

  he’s a total addict.

  I started to give Dad a piece of my mind, but

  he cut me off. He wasn’t interested in talking

  about why he was stealing our lunch snacks. What

  he was interested in talking about was what

  the heck I was doing buried in a pile of Mom’s

  underwear in the middle of the night.

  Right at that moment, we heard Mom coming

  down the stairs.

  HA!

  MMMFF!

  82

  I think me and Dad realized how bad the situation

  looked for both of us, so we each just grabbed as

  many oatmeal creams as we could carry and made a

  run for it.

  I was still really steamed at Dad for stealing our

  lunch treats, and I was planning on confronting

  him tonight. But Dad was in bed by 6:00, so I

  didn’t get my chance.

  Dad went to bed so early because he was

  depressed about something that happened when

  he got home from work. When Dad was getting

  the mail, our neighbors from up the street, the

  Snellas, walked down the hill with their new baby.

  Wednesday

  Hey

  there,

  frank!

  83

  The baby’s name is Seth, and I think he’s about

  two months old.

  Every time the Snellas have a baby, six months

  later they throw a big “half-birthday” party and

  invite all the neighbors.

  The highlight of each Snella half-birthday

  party is when the adults line up and try to

  make the baby laugh. The grown-ups do all

  these wacky things and make complete

  fools of themselves.

  I’ve been to every single Snella half-birthday

  party so far, and no baby has laughed once.

  Goo goo goo

  goo goo!

  84

  Everyone knows the Real reason the Snellas

  have these half-birthday parties is because their

  big dream is to win the $10,000 Grand Prize on

  “America’s Funniest Families.” That’s this tv show

  where they play home movies of people getting hit

  in the groin with golf balls and stuff like that.

  The Snellas are just hoping something really funny

  will happen at one of their parties so they can

  catch it on videotape. They’ve actually gotten some

  pretty good stuff over the years. During Sam

  Snella’s half-birthday party, Mr. Bittner split

  his pants doing jumping jacks. And during Scott

  Snella’s party, Mr. Odom was walking backward,

  and he fell in the baby pool.

  wwaauugh!

  whirr

  85

  The Snellas turned in those videos, but they

  didn’t win anything. So I guess they’re just

  gonna keep having babies until they do.

  Dad hates performing in front of people, so he’ll

  do everything he can to avoid having to act like a

  fool in front of the whole neighborhood. And so

  far, Dad has weaseled his way out of every single

  Snella half-birthday party.

  At dinner, Mom told Dad he has to go to

  Seth Snella’s half-birthday party in June. And

  I’m pretty sure Dad knows that this time, his

  number is finally up.

  Everybody at school has been talking about the big

  Valentine’s Dance that’s coming up next week.

  Thursday

  June

  86

  This is the first year at my school that they’ve

  actually had a dance, so everyone’s all excited.

  Some of the guys in my class were even asking

  girls if they would be their dates to the dance.

  Me and Rowley are both bachelors at the


  moment, but that’s not gonna stop us from

  arriving in style.

  I figured if me and Rowley scraped together

  some money in the next few days, we could rent

  a limo for the night. But when I called the limo

  company, the guy who answered the phone called

  me “Ma’am.” So that pretty much blew any

  chance he had of getting my business.

  87

  Since the dance is next week, I realized I was

  gonna need something to wear.

  I’m kind of in a pinch because I’ve already worn

  most of the clothes I got for Christmas, and

  I’m almost out of clean stuff to wear. I went

  through my dirty clothes to see if there was

  anything I could wear a second time.

  I separated my laundry into two piles: one

  that I could wear again, and one that would

  get me sent down to Nurse Powell’s office for a

  lecture on hygiene.

  shake

  shake

  sniff

  88

  I found a shirt in pile number one that wasn’t

  so bad, except it had a jelly stain on the left-

  hand side. So at the dance, I’ll just need to

  remember to keep Holly Hills to the right of me

  at all times.

  I was up late last night making Valentine’s cards

  for everyone in my class. I’m pretty sure my

  middle school is the only one in the state that

  still makes all the kids give cards to one another.

  Last year I was actually looking forward to the

  card swap. The night before Valentine’s Day, I

  spent a lot of time making an awesome card for

  this girl named Natasha who I kind of liked.

  Beloved Natasha –

  For you, a fire blazes

  in my heart

  So strong that the

  embers alone could

  bring a thousand hot

  tubs to a boil

  So intense that it

  causes snowmen

  everywhere to despair

  Let the bonfire of my

  love wrap you in its

  warmth

  Only your kiss could

  quench the flames

  that so consume me

  To you I pledge my

  love, my desire, my

  life

  Greg

  Valentine’s Day

  I showed Mom my card to check for spelling

  errors, but she said what I wrote wasn’t “age

  appropriate.” She told me maybe I should just

  get Natasha a little box of candy or something,

  but I wasn’t about to take romantic advice from

  my mother.

  At school everyone went around the room and put

  their Valentine’s cards in one another’s boxes, but

  I delivered my card to Natasha personally.

  I let her read it, and then I waited to see

  what she made for me.

  Natasha dug around in her box and pulled out

  this cheap store-bought card that was supposed to

  be for her friend Chantelle, who was out sick

  that day.

  90

  Then Natasha scribbled out her friend’s name

  and put my name on it instead.

  Anyway, you can probably see why I wasn’t too

  enthusiastic about the card exchange this year.

  Last night I came up with a great idea. I

  knew I had to make a card for everyone in the

  class, but instead of being all mushy and saying

  things I didn’t really mean, I told everyone

  exactly what I thought of them.

  To: Chantelle

  From: Natasha

  Greg

  I think you’re

  Far out

  91

  The trick was, I didn’t actually sign any of

  my cards.

  A few of the kids complained about the cards to

  our teacher, Mrs. Riser, and then she went around

  the room trying to figure out who sent them. I

  knew Mrs. Riser would think that whoever

  didn’t get a card was the culprit, but I was

  prepared for that, because I made a card for

  myself, too.

  Dear James,

  you smell.

  Dear Greg,

  I hate

  your guts.

  92

  After the card exchange came the Valentine’s

  Dance. The dance was originally supposed to be

  at night, but I guess they couldn’t get

  enough parents to volunteer to be chaperones. So

  they put the dance smack in the middle of the

  school day instead.

  The teachers started rounding everyone up and

  sending them down to the auditorium at around

  1:00. Anyone who didn’t want to cough up the

  two bucks for admission had to go down to Mr.

  Ray’s room for study hall.

  But it was pretty obvious to most of us that

  “study hall” was basically the same thing as

  detention.

  93

  The rest of us filed into the gym and sat in the

  bleachers. I don’t know why, but all the boys sat

  on one side of the gym, and all the girls sat on

  the other. Once everyone was inside the gym,

  the teachers started the music. But whoever

  picked out the songs is seriously out of

  touch with what kids are listening to these days.

  For the first fifteen minutes or so, no one moved

  a muscle. Then Mr. Phillips, the guidance counselor,

  and Nurse Powell walked to the middle of the gym

  and started dancing.

  Exit

  You do the

  hokey pokey

  and you turn

  yourself

  around…

  94

  I guess Mr. Phillips and Nurse Powell thought if

  they started dancing, all the kids would come

  down onto the floor and join them. All they

  really did was guarantee that everyone

  stayed in their seat.

  Finally, Mrs. Mancy, the principal, grabbed a

  microphone and made an announcement. She said

  that everyone in the bleachers was required

  to come down onto the floor and dance, and it

  would count for 20% of our Phys Ed grades.

  At that point me and a couple of other boys

  tried to sneak out to go down to Mr. Ray’s

  room, but we got caught by some teachers who

  were blocking the exits.

  95

  Mrs. Mancy wasn’t kidding about the gym grade

  thing, either. She was walking around with Mr.

  Underwood, the Phys Ed teacher, and he was

  carrying his gradebook with him.

  I’m already close to flunking Phys Ed, so I

  knew it was time to get serious. But I didn’t

  want to look like a fool in front of the kids in

  my class, either. So I just came up with the

  simplest move I could do that would technically

  qualify as “dancing.”

  Step

  Pause

  Step

  Pause

  1

  2

  3

  4

  96

  Unfortunately, a bunch of guys who were worried

  about their Phys Ed grades saw what I was

  doing, and they came over to where I was. And

  the next thing I knew, I was surrounded by a

  bunch of bozos who were stealing my move
s.

  I wanted to get as far away from those guys

  as I could, so I looked around the gym for a

  place where I could go and dance in peace.

  That’s when I spotted Holly Hills across the

  room, and I remembered why I even bothered

  coming to the dance in the first place.

  Holly was dancing with her friends in the middle

  of the gym, and I started doing my step-dance

  thing, moving slowly toward them.

  Step

  Step

  Step

  Step

  97

  All the girls were lumped together in one big

  pack, and they were dancing like professionals,

  probably because they spend all their free time

  watching mtv.

  Holly was right in the middle of the group. I kind

  of danced around the outside of the circle for a

  while, trying to find an opening, but I couldn’t.

  Finally, Holly stopped dancing and went to get a

  drink, and I knew it was my big chance.

  Step

  But just when I was about to go up to Holly

  and say something witty, Fregley came flying in

  out of nowhere.

  Fregley had pink frosting covering his face, so

  he was probably all hopped-up on sugar from the

  cupcakes they were serving at the refreshments

  table. All I know for sure is that he totally

  ruined what should have been a great moment

  between me and Holly.

  A few minutes later, the dance was over, and I

  missed my chance to make a good impression on

  her. I walked home alone after school, because I

  just needed a little time by myself.

  BoogieBoogie

  Boogie!

  99

  After dinner Mom told me there was a Valentine’s

  card out in the mailbox with my name on it. When

  I asked her who it was from, she just said,

  “someone special.” I ran out to the mailbox and

  got the card, and I have to admit I was pretty

  excited. I was hoping it was from Holly, but there

  are at least four or five other girls at my school

  who I wouldn’t mind getting a card from, either.

  The card was in a big pink envelope with my

  name written in cursive. I ripped it open, and