Rodrick Rules (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 2) Read online

  You run into a

  pack of orcs...

  and they look

  hungry!

  We give them

  all of our

  food!

  122

  On the way back, Mom was really talking up

  Magick and Monsters, saying how it could help me

  with my “math skills” and stuff like that. All I

  can say is, I hope she isn’t planning on becoming

  a regular at these games. Because the first

  chance I get, “Mom” is getting handed over to

  a pack of Orcs.

  Thursday

  After school today, Mom took me to the bookstore

  and bought just about every Magick and Monsters

  book on the shelf. She must’ve dropped about

  $200, and she didn’t even make me cash in a

  single Mom Buck.

  I realized maybe I judged Mom a little too quick,

  and maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing having her

  in our group after all.

  123

  I was all set to take my new books up to Leland’s,

  but that’s when I found out there was a catch.

  Mom actually bought all those books so me and

  Rodrick could play Magick and Monsters

  together. She said it was a good way for the

  two of us to work out our differences.

  Mom told Rodrick she wanted him to be the

  Dungeon Keeper, just like Leland. Then she

  dumped the pile of books on Rodrick’s bed and

  told him to start studying up.

  It was bad enough playing in front of Mom at

  Leland’s house, but I knew playing with Rodrick

  would be about ten times worse.

  124

  Mom was serious about me and Rodrick playing

  together, so I knew I was gonna have to go

  through with it. I spent about an hour up in my

  room making up characters with names Rodrick

  couldn’t make fun of, like “Joe” and “Bob.”

  Once I was finished, I met Rodrick in the

  kitchen, and we started our game.

  I guess I should be grateful that it was over

  with quickly. And I just hope Mom saved her

  receipts on those books.

  You and your group of

  nerds fall into a pit and

  it's full of dynamite and

  you blow up. The end.

  125

  Friday

  The teachers have really been cracking down on

  kids copying off of each other this year.

  Remember how I said I was glad I got put

  next to Alex Aruda in Pre-Algebra? Well, that

  hasn’t done me any good.

  Mrs. Lee is my Pre-Algebra teacher, and I’m

  guessing she also had Rodrick when he was in middle

  school. Because that woman watches me like a hawk.

  Sometimes I think it would be really cool if I

  had a glass eye or something like that. First of

  all, I could use it to play all sorts of wacky

  tricks on my friends.

  But the main thing I’d use it for is to help me

  get better grades.

  here,

  catch!

  Ok! What

  is it?

  126

  On the first day of school, I’d aim my glass eye

  down like this:

  Then I’d go up to the teacher and say, “Listen, I

  just wanted to tell you I have a glass eye. So don’t

  go thinking I’m looking at other people’s papers.”

  Then, during a test, I’d aim my glass eye down

  at my own paper, and I’d look at some brainy

  kid’s paper with my real eye.

  glass

  eye

  real

  eye

  Okee doke.

  Thanks for

  letting

  me know.

  127

  I could copy away! And the teacher would be

  too dumb to notice.

  Unfortunately, I don’t have a glass eye. So if

  Mom asks me why I flunked my pop quiz in

  Pre-Algebra today, that’s my excuse.

  Sunday

  Rodrick has been hitting Mom and Dad up for

  cash lately, so I guess the Mom Bucks program

  isn’t really working out for him. Mom has tried to

  make Rodrick do more chores to earn some money,

  but that hasn’t been going too well.

  That poor

  glass eye

  kid.

  Is this

  how you

  do it?

  You need

  to be using

  a clean

  rag, son!

  128

  But tonight, Mom figured out a way Rodrick

  could earn some cash. My school sent home a

  newsletter saying that Music Education has been

  cancelled because of budget cuts, so parents

  should get their kids private music lessons.

  Mom told Rodrick he could give me private drum

  lessons, and that she would pay him for it.

  I think Mom came up with the idea because

  lately Rodrick’s been telling everyone he’s a

  “professional drummer.”

  There’s this local show called the “Community

  Follies” where all the neighborhood parents do a

  bunch of comedy skits, and it’s been running in our

  local theater for about two weeks.

  129

  The other night, the regular drummer got sick,

  so Rodrick filled in, and he got paid five bucks.

  I don’t know if that really makes Rodrick a

  “professional drummer,” but that didn’t stop me

  from using it to score points with the girls at school.

  Corny joke,

  corny joke

  yuk yuk

  yuk!

  ba-dum

  crash

  My brother's a

  professional

  drummer!

  130

  When Mom told Rodrick he should start giving

  me drum lessons, he wasn’t too hot on the idea.

  But then Mom said she’d pay him ten dollars a

  lesson, and that I could get a bunch of my

  friends to sign up, too.

  So now I’ve gotta recruit some people for

  Rodrick’s Drum Academy. And I can already

  tell, this isn’t gonna be a lot of fun.

  Monday

  I couldn’t get any of my friends to sign up for

  Rodrick’s drum school except Rowley, and I kind

  of had to trick him into doing it. Rowley is

  always saying he wants to learn how to play the

  drums, but he wants to play the kind they use

  in marching bands.

  crash

  131

  I told Rowley I knew for a fact that

  Rodrick was going to cover all that stuff in week

  four, and that got Rowley pretty excited.

  I was just glad I wasn’t gonna have to take

  drum lessons all by myself.

  Rowley came over after school, and we went down

  to the basement to start our first lesson. Rodrick

  started us off with some pretty basic drum drills.

  There was only one practice pad and two drum-

  sticks, so Rowley had to use a paper plate and

  some plastic utensils. But I guess that’s what

  happens when you’re the last person to sign up

  for a class.

  tappity

  tap

  tap

  doink

  132

  After about fifteen minute
s, Rodrick got a call from

  Ward, and that put an end to our first lesson.

  Mom wasn’t too happy to see me and Rowley

  upstairs so soon, and she sent us back down to

  the basement. She said not to come up until

  Rodrick had at least given us a practice assignment.

  So he did.

  Class is

  dismissed

  early today.

  Your homework

  is to listen to

  some music with

  drums in it.

  133

  Tuesday

  Me and Rowley had drum lessons with Rodrick

  again today.

  Well, Rodrick might be a good drummer, but he’s

  not a good teacher. Me and Rowley tried our best

  to do the drills Rodrick taught us, but every time

  we messed up, Rodrick would get frustrated.

  Eventually, he got so fed up that he took our

  drumsticks away. Rodrick sat down at his drum

  set and told us to “watch and learn.” Then he

  started doing this really long drum solo that

  didn’t have anything to do with the drills he

  was teaching us.

  Wrong

  wrong

  wrong!

  oops.

  tip

  tappity

  doink

  134

  Rodrick didn’t even look up from his drum set

  when me and Rowley left and went upstairs.

  I’m not complaining, though. Because the way I

  see it, this way everyone wins.

  Thursday

  We’ve got a History paper due the day before

  Thanksgiving, and I’d better start getting serious

  about it.

  crash

  smash

  ba-

  dum

  thump

  bidi

  bum

  bop

  whomp

  ba-dum bum

  crash bam

  135

  The teachers are getting a lot stricter about the

  quality of work we turn in, and the way I usually

  do things isn’t working so good anymore.

  Last week we had a paper due in Science, and

  Mrs. Breckman said we had to choose an animal

  to write about. So I picked the moose. I know

  I should have gone to the library and done

  research, but I just decided to wing it.

  The Amazing Moose

  by Greg Heffley

  Diet:

  The moose eats many, many things, but

  the list would be way too long to put in

  this paper. So I will save us all some

  time by just listing the things that the

  moose does NOT eat.

  BUBBLE GUM

  METAL PIZZA

  your

  pizza, sir.

  No, really...

  I couldn't.

  Even though there are moose habitats set up all

  over the place, the moose is almost extinct.

  Everybody knows the moose evolved from birds,

  just like people did. But somewhere along the

  line people got arms, and the moose got stuck

  with those useless horns.

  the end

  But we smell a

  heck of a lot

  better than

  antelopes.

  I said

  extinct!

  oh.

  yay!

  rats.

  I actually thought I did a pretty good job. But

  I guess Mrs. Breckman must be an expert on

  mooses or something, because she made me go to

  the library and start the paper over from scratch.

  And my next paper isn’t gonna be any easier.

  I have to write a poem about the 1900s for

  Mr. Huff’s class, and I don’t know the first

  thing about History or poetry. So I guess I’d

  better start hitting the books.

  Monday

  I was up at Rowley’s playing board games

  yesterday, and the craziest thing happened.

  When Rowley was in the bathroom, I noticed

  that there was some play money sticking out of

  the box of one of the other games.

  138

  I couldn’t believe my eyes. Because the play

  money inside that game was the exact same

  kind of money Mom uses for Mom Bucks.

  When I counted it up, there was something like

  $100,000 in cash in that box.

  It only took me about two seconds to figure out

  what to do next.

  When I got home, I ran upstairs and stuffed

  the money under my mattress. I tossed and

  turned all night trying to figure out what to do

  with my new Mom Bucks.

  What

  should we

  play now?

  Gotta

  go!

  139

  I realized Mom would probably have some way of

  knowing the difference between phony Mom Bucks

  and the real thing. So this morning, I decided

  to try a little experiment.

  I asked Mom if I could cash in some Mom Bucks

  so I could buy stamps to write my pen pal. I

  was really nervous when I handed Mom the money.

  But she took it without even blinking.

  I can’t believe my luck! I figure I can make

  this $100,000 last all the way through high

  school, and maybe even farther. I might not

  even have to get a real job later on.

  The trick will be to not cash in too much at one

  time, or Mom will know something’s up.

  140

  And I have to remember to earn a few Mom

  Bucks for real here and there so she doesn’t get

  too suspicious.

  I will say one thing for sure, though, and it’s

  that I won’t be using the money Mom gave me

  to buy stamps.

  I got a picture from my pen-pal, Mamadou, in

  the mail yesterday, and that pretty much killed

  any chance of me writing him back.

  super

  cool

  141

  Tuesday

  My big History paper is due tomorrow, but

  they’ve been saying all week that it’s gonna snow

  about a foot tonight.

  So I haven’t really been sweating it all that much.

  At around 10:00, I peeked out the window to

  see how many inches of snow were on the ground

  so far. But I couldn’t believe my eyes when I

  pulled back the curtain.

  Man, I was counting on school being cancelled

  tomorrow. I turned on the news to see what

  happened, but the weather guy was telling a

  totally different story than he was three

  hours ago.

  That meant I had to get cracking on my

  History paper. The problem was, it was too late

  to go to the library, and we don’t have any

  books in our house that are about the 1900s.

  So I knew I had to think of something quick.

  Then I had a great idea.

  We really

  dodged a

  bullet this

  time, Bob!

  You can say

  that again,

  Barbara!

  Ha ha ha!

  143

  Dad has bailed Rodrick out a million times

  on his school papers. So I figured he could help

  me, too.

  I told Dad about my situation, thinking he’d

  jump right in and help. But I guess Dad has

  learned his
lesson in that department.

  Rodrick must have overheard me talking to Dad,

  because he told me I should follow him downstairs.

  You know how Rodrick had Mr. Huff, my History

  teacher, in middle school? Well, it turns out Mr.

  Huff gave Rodrick’s class the exact same

  assignment when he was in my grade.

  Good luck

  with that!

  144

  Rodrick dug around in his junk drawer and found

  his old paper. And then he told me he’d sell it

  to me for five bucks.

  I told him there was no way I’d do that.

  I’ll admit, it was pretty tempting. Because

  number one, since all of Rodrick’s assignments

  have gone through Dad, I knew Rodrick got a

  good grade on his paper. And number two, it

  was in one of those clear plastic binders that

  teachers go crazy for.

  Plus, I had a huge stash of Mom Bucks under

  my mattress upstairs, and I knew I could pay

  Rodrick with that.

  145

  But I couldn’t do it. I mean, I’ve copied off

  of people’s papers on quizzes and stuff before,

  but buying a paper off of someone would be

  taking it to a whole nother level.