Rodrick Rules (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 2) Read online

  So I decided I was gonna just have to suck it

  up and do the paper myself.

  I started doing some research on the computer,

  but at about midnight, the worst possible thing

  happened: The power went out.

  That’s when I knew I was in some serious trouble.

  I knew I’d flunk History if I didn’t turn in a

  paper. So even though I didn’t want to, I decided

  to take Rodrick up on his offer.

  pop

  blink

  146

  I scraped together $500 in Mom Bucks and

  went down to the basement. But Rodrick didn’t

  let me off that easy.

  Rodrick told me his new price was $20,000 in

  Mom Bucks. I told him I didn’t have it, so he

  just rolled over and went back to sleep.

  At that point, I was really desperate. So I

  went upstairs and grabbed a big handful of

  thousand dollar bills and brought them down to

  Rodrick’s room. I gave him the money, and he

  turned over the paper. I felt really bad about

  what I did, but I just tried not to think

  about it and went to sleep.

  My fee has

  gone up.

  147

  Wednesday

  On the bus ride to school, I took Rodrick’s paper

  out of my bag. But I took one look at it and

  knew something was seriously wrong.

  First of all, the poem wasn’t typed out. It was

  in Rodrick’s own handwriting.

  That’s when it hit me: Dad only started doing

  Rodrick’s papers for him once he got to high

  school. So that meant this paper was Rodrick’s

  own work.

  I started reading Rodrick’s paper to see if I

  could still use it. But apparently, Rodrick was

  even worse about doing his research than me.

  uh oh.

  148

  A hundred years ago

  by Rodrick Heffley

  Sometimes I sit and wonder

  About stuff I don't know

  Like what the heck the earth was like

  a hundred years ago.

  Did cavemen ride on dinosaurs?

  Did flowers even grow?

  Well we could guess but that was back

  A hundred years ago.

  I wish they built a time machine

  And they picked me to go

  To check out what the scene was like

  A hundred years ago.

  Did giant spiders rule the earth?

  Were deserts filled with snow?

  I wonder what the story was

  A hundred years ago.

  See me!

  I guess I learned my lesson about buying a

  paper off someone. Or at least off of rodrick.

  When third period rolled around, I didn’t have

  anything to turn in to Mr. Huff. I guess that

  means I’ ll be taking summer school for History.

  And my day got a whole lot worse after that.

  When I got home from school, Mom was waiting

  for me at the front door.

  You know that stack of bills I paid Rodrick

  with? Well, he tried to cash them all in at

  once to get money for a used motorcycle. I’m sure

  Mom knew something was fishy, since Rodrick has

  never earned a single Mom Buck on his own.

  150

  Rodrick told Mom where he got the money, and

  she dug around my room until she found my stash

  under the mattress. Mom knew she never put

  $100,000 into circulation, so she confiscated all

  my cash, even the ones I earned for real. I guess

  that’s the end of the Mom Bucks program.

  To be honest with you, I’m kind of relieved.

  Sleeping on that pile of cash every night was

  really stressing me out.

  Mom was mad that I tried to put one over on

  her like that, so she gave me a punishment. But

  I got that out of the way before dinner.

  Mom says we

  have to clean

  the whole

  garage.

  shoot.

  151

  Thursday

  Today was Thanksgiving, and it started off like

  it always does: with Aunt Loretta showing up

  two hours early.

  Mom always makes me and Rodrick “entertain”

  Aunt Loretta, and that means talk to her until

  the rest of the family shows up.

  The biggest fights me and Rodrick have ever had

  were over who has to greet her first.

  152

  The rest of the family started trickling in around

  11:00. Dad’s brother, Uncle Joe, and his kids

  were the last ones to show up around 12:30.

  Uncle Joe’s kids all call Dad the same thing.

  Mom thinks it’s really cute, but Dad swears that

  Uncle Joe tells his kids to do it on purpose.

  Things are pretty tense between Dad and Uncle

  Joe, because Dad is still mad at Uncle Joe for

  something he did last Thanksgiving. Back then,

  Manny had just started potty training, and he

  was doing pretty good. In fact, he was probably

  about two weeks from being out of diapers.

  Hi Aunt

  Fwank!

  153

  But Uncle Joe said something to Manny that

  changed everything.

  It was six months before Manny would even step

  foot in the bathroom again.

  Every time Dad changed a dirty diaper after that,

  I heard him cursing Uncle Joe under his breath.

  We had dinner around 2:00, and then people

  went into the living room to talk. I didn’t feel

  like talking, so I went in the family room to play

  video games.

  Better look out for

  the "potty monster,"

  little fella!

  154

  Eventually, I guess Dad had enough of the

  family, too, so he went downstairs to work on his

  Civil War battlefield. But he forgot to lock the

  door to the furnace room, and Uncle Joe walked

  in after him.

  Uncle Joe seemed pretty interested in what Dad

  was working on, so Dad told him all about it.

  Dad gave Uncle Joe this big speech about the

  150th Regiment and the role it played at

  Gettysburg, and spent about a half hour describing

  the whole battle.

  But I don’t think Uncle Joe was really listening

  to Dad’s speech.

  nice

  toys,

  big

  brother!

  155

  Thanksgiving didn’t last too much longer after that.

  Dad went upstairs and turned up the thermostat

  until it got stuffy and everyone cleared out. And

  that’s pretty much how Thanksgiving ends every

  year at our house.

  december

  Saturday

  You remember how I said Mom and Dad were

  going to eventually find out about Rodrick’s

  party? Well, it finally happened today.

  Mom sent Dad out to pick up the pictures from

  Thanksgiving, and when Dad got back, you could

  tell he wasn’t happy about something.

  156

  The picture in Dad’s hand was from Rodrick’s party.

  It looked like one of Rodrick’s friends accidentally

  took a picture with Mom’s camera, which she keeps

  on the shelf above the stere
o. And when he took

  the picture, it captured the whole scene.

  157

  Rodrick tried to deny that he had a party. But

  everything was right there in the picture, so

  there really wasn’t any point.

  Mom and Dad took away Rodrick’s car keys and

  told him his punishment is that he’s not allowed

  to leave the house for a whole month.

  They were even mad at me, because they said I

  was Rodrick’s “accomplice.” So I got hit with a

  two-week video game ban.

  Sunday

  Mom and Dad have been all over Rodrick’s case

  ever since they found out about his party.

  Rodrick usually sleeps until 2:00 in the afternoon

  on weekends, but today Dad made Rodrick get

  out of bed by 8:00 A.M.

  Making Rodrick get out of bed early is a pretty

  big blow to him, because Rodrick loves to

  sleep. One time last fall, Rodrick slept for thirty-

  six hours straight.

  158

  He slept all the way from Sunday night until

  Tuesday morning, and he didn’t even realize he

  missed a whole day of his life until Tuesday night.

  But it looks like Rodrick has found a way around

  the new 8:00 rule. Now, when Dad tells Rodrick

  to get out of bed, Rodrick just drags his stuff

  upstairs with him and he sleeps on the couch

  until it’s time for dinner. So I guess you gotta

  give this round to Rodrick.

  Hey ... where's

  Monday night

  football?

  159

  Tuesday

  Mom and Dad are going away again this weekend,

  and they’re dropping me and Rodrick off at

  Grandpa’s. They said they were gonna let us

  stay home, but we proved we can’t be trusted on

  our own.

  Grandpa lives over in Leisure Towers, which is

  this old folks’ home. I had to spend a week

  there with Rodrick a few months ago, and it was

  the low point of my whole summer.

  Manny is staying with Gramma this weekend, and

  I’d give anything to trade places with him.

  Gramma always has her fridge stocked with soda

  and cake and stuff like that, and she has cable

  tv with all the movie channels.

  160

  The reason Manny is going to Gramma’s is because

  Manny is Gramma’s favorite. And all you need to do

  is take one look at her refrigerator for the proof.

  But if anyone ever accuses Gramma of showing

  favorites, she gets all defensive.

  I love all my

  grandchildren

  the same.

  161

  And it’s not just the pictures on the fridge,

  either. Gramma has Manny’s drawings and stuff

  hanging up all over the house.

  The only thing that Gramma has from me is

  this note I wrote her when I was six. I was

  mad at her because she wouldn’t give me any ice

  cream before dinner, so here’s what I wrote:

  Gramma has kept that note all these years, and

  she’s still holding it over my head.

  I hate

  you Gram-

  ma

  And this is what my

  wonderful grandson

  Gregory made for me!

  162

  I guess every grandparent has their favorite,

  and I can understand that. But at least

  Grandpa is up front about it.

  Saturday

  Well, Mom and Dad dumped me and Rodrick off

  at Grandpa’s today, just like they said they

  were gonna do.

  I started looking for ways to entertain myself,

  but there’s nothing in Grandpa’s condo that’s

  fun to do, so I just sat down with him and

  watched tv. But Grandpa doesn’t even watch

  real shows. He just keeps his tv tuned to the

  security camera that’s in the front lobby of his

  building.

  Gregory

  is my

  favorite!

  163

  And after a few hours of that, you start to

  go a little nuts.

  At about 5:00, Grandpa made us dinner. Grandpa

  makes this awful thing called “watercress salad,”

  and it’s the worst thing you ever tasted.

  It’s basically a bunch of cold green beans and

  cucumbers floating in a pool of vinegar.

  Oh, sure! Barry Grossman

  has time to go out for a

  three-hour walk, but he

  doesn't have time to

  return my vacuum!

  164

  Rodrick knows I hate watercress salad more than

  anything, so the last time we stayed at

  Grandpa’s, Rodrick made sure to pile it on my plate.

  I had to sit there and choke down every bite so

  Grandpa’s feelings wouldn’t be hurt.

  And guess what I got as a reward for cleaning

  my plate?

  Greg loves

  watercress

  salad!

  here

  you go!

  plop

  165

  Tonight, Grandpa gave us our salad, and I

  acted like I was gonna eat it. But then I

  just stuffed it all in my pocket when no one

  was looking.

  It felt pretty disgusting when the cold vinegar

  started running down my leg, but believe me it

  was about a thousand times better than having

  to eat it.

  After dinner, the three of us went into the living

  room. Grandpa has all these really old board

  games, and he always makes me and Rodrick play

  them with him.

  He has this one game called “Gutbusters,” where

  one player reads a card, and the other player

  tries not to laugh.

  drip

  166

  I always beat Grandpa, mostly because the jokes

  don’t make any sense to me.

  I always beat Rodrick, too, but that’s because

  Rodrick loses on purpose. Whenever it’s my turn

  to read a card, he makes sure he has a big

  mouthful of milk.

  Putting economic

  policy before fiscal

  responsibility

  is like putting

  the cart before

  the horse.

  haw, haw,

  haw!

  bwahahaha!

  167

  At 10:00, I was ready for bed. But Rodrick

  called the couch, and that meant I had to sleep

  with Grandpa again.

  All I can say is, if Mom and Dad were trying

  to teach me a lesson for covering for Rodrick,

  well, mission accomplished.

  Sunday

  Rodrick has a big Science Fair project due

  right before Christmas break, and it looks like

  Mom and Dad are making Rodrick do this one all

  by himself.

  Could you put

  my teeth in

  that glass?

  168

  Last year, Rodrick’s science project was called

  “Does Watching Violent Movies Make People Think

  Violent Thoughts?”

  I guess the idea was to have people watch horror

  movies and then draw pictures afterward to show

  how the movies affected them.

  But it was really just an excuse for Rodrick and

  his
friends to watch a bunch of horror movies on

  school nights.

  Rodrick’s friends got the movie-watching part

  done, but they didn’t draw a single picture. And

  the night before the Science Fair, Rodrick didn’t

  have anything to show for himself.

  Scream!

  Chomp!

  169

  So me, Mom, and Dad had to bail Rodrick out. Dad

  typed up the paper, Mom made the poster board

  stuff, and I had to draw a bunch of pictures.

  I did my best to imagine what teenagers would

  draw after watching violent movies.

  The thing that really stinks is that I

  caught heat from Mom when she saw my drawings,

  because she said they were “disturbing.” And

  that’s why I was only allowed to watch G-rated

  movies for the rest of the year.

  But if you want to talk about “disturbing,” you

  should’ve seen some of the stuff Manny was

  coming up with those days.

  170

  One night, Rodrick accidentally left one of his

  horror movies in the dvd player, and when

  Manny went to turn on cartoons the next day,