The Ugly Truth (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 5) Read online

I spent the weekend trying to recover from the

  Lock-In, since I got zero sleep on Friday night.

  But I think the whole experience was just too

  much for my body, because this morning when I

  woke up, I was sick.

  I admit I’ve faked being sick before to get out

  of going to school, but usually Mom calls my bluff.

  moan.

  well, i guess we’ll

  have to go to the

  doctor and get

  blood work done.

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  But today Mom took my temperature, and I

  guess it must’ve been pretty high, because she said

  I needed to stay in bed.

  She said she had to spend the day at the library

  to study for her final test tonight and she wouldn’t

  be able to stay home to take care of me. Well, that

  kind of stunk, because the only good thing about

  being sick is having someone fuss over you.

  Mom said Isabella was working today and that if

  there was an emergency, I could go to her. But

  after Mom left, I locked my bedroom door because

  I was afraid Isabella might try to come into my

  room to take her nap.

  are you strong

  enough to lift

  this cup?

  i…i

  guess.

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  I must’ve dozed off around noon, and when I

  woke up, there was a lot of commotion downstairs.

  The TV was turned up really loud, and I could

  hear what sounded like a bunch of women talking.

  I looked out the window, and there were a ton of

  cars in the driveway and on the street.

  I didn’t know what was going on, so I just

  stayed in my room. About a half hour later, Mom

  pulled up in her car and went inside the house.

  Five minutes after that, all these women streamed

  out the door, including Isabella.

  Mom walked upstairs to my room, and she was

  really steamed.

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  She said she decided to come home early from the

  library to take care of me, and when she did, she

  walked in on a soap opera viewing party with all

  the maids from the neighborhood.

  Tonight Mom had another house meeting and

  said that Isabella’s services would “no longer be

  required” and that we were all going to have to

  pitch in around the house. I was happy to hear

  that, because now I can stop checking my bed for

  panty hose socks.

  kiss me, rex. kiss

  me to help me snap

  out of my amnesia!

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  Tuesday

  When I got to school today, Rowley was waiting

  by my locker, and he had a huge smile on his face.

  Then I noticed he had a big pimple right in the

  middle of his forehead.

  Most people would have stayed home from school

  if they had a zit like that, but here’s what

  Rowley said—

  my mom says

  i’m becoming

  a man!

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  Well, that really irked me for some reason. But

  that wasn’t the end of it.

  Later on in the day I saw Rowley hanging out

  near the older kids’ lockers. So I guess he thinks

  just because he got a pimple, he’s part of their

  club now or something.

  I think it’s really pathetic that Rowley’s trying

  to impress people with his stupid zit.

  And believe me, I’m not jealous or anything.

  But this is a kid who still sleeps with a pile of

  stuffed animals every night, so it doesn’t make

  any sense that he would get his first pimple

  before I got MINE.

  ’sup,

  fellas?

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  I will say the whole episode has got me thinking.

  I’ve been waiting to hit my growth spurt or at

  least start growing some facial hair, but things

  have been kind of slow going.

  And now that Rowley’s got a pimple, I’m kind of

  anxious to get things moving along.

  When I got home from school today, I checked

  myself in the mirror to see if anything seemed

  different. But everything looked exactly the same

  as it always does.

  So after dinner I asked Mom and Dad when I

  could expect things to start happening.

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  But they told me that when they were my age,

  they were WAY behind their classmates when it

  came to this sort of thing.

  Then Dad told me not to expect to get a lot of

  facial hair even when I’m an adult, because he’s

  a grown man and he only needs to shave once or

  twice a week.

  Well, that was some REALLY bad news. In this

  country they’re always saying you can grow up and

  be anything you want, but now I realize that’s

  not true.

  why, I was a

  very late

  bloomer!

  really? so

  was I!

  ha ha ha ha ha!

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  Wednesday

  I can name at least half a dozen jobs I can

  never have if I can’t grow a beard or a mustache

  or at least some decent stubble.

  Today was day two of Rowley’s pimple, and he was

  walking around with his hair parted like a curtain

  so everyone could get an eyeful of his zit.

  magician

  pirate

  lumberjack

  artist

  cop

  criminal

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  I couldn’t really take another day of this, and

  I decided to do something about it. So I wrote a

  note and handed it to him in the hallway.

  And I’m happy to say my note did the trick.

  But right before lunchtime something totally crazy

  happened. Our class was heading to the cafeteria,

  and when we walked through the hallway where

  the older kids have their lockers, Jordan Jury was

  standing there with a few of his friends.

  Dear Rowley,

  Nobody likes your zit.

  Signed,

  The Girls

  shoot.

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  Jordan stopped us and said—

  I couldn’t believe it. Like I said before, Jordan

  Jury’s parties are LEGENDARY.

  hey, dudes,

  you’re invited

  to my party!

  glug

  glug

  glug

  swoosh

  squirt

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  But the best thing about Jordan Jury’s parties

  is that there are girls there, which means his

  parties are totally different from the kind I

  usually get invited to.

  The point is, this is a real party we’re talking

  about, and not like the Lock-In, where there

  were a million chaperones running the show.

  I have no idea why Jordan Jury invited me and

  Rowley to his party. It could’ve been my math

  book or Rowley’s zit or both.

  But it was pretty clear that he thought me and

  Rowley were friends and that the invitation was a

  package deal.

  Zap

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  And I didn’t want to do anything that might

  change his mind.


  I can definitely pretend I’m friends with Rowley

  for one night if it means I get to play “Spin

  the Bottle” with a bunch of girls who are a whole

  grade ahead of me.

  we

  accept!

  it landed

  right

  between

  you two!

  then i guess

  you’ll have

  to kiss

  both of us!

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  Thursday

  You’ll never believe this, but Mom’s not letting me

  go to Jordan Jury’s party.

  And it’s not because it’s a boy-girl party or because

  a bunch of older kids are gonna be there. It’s

  because Uncle Gary’s WEDDING is this weekend.

  This has got to be some kind of world record for

  bad timing. I begged Mom to let me stay home

  and go to the party, but she wouldn’t budge,

  even after I promised I’d go to Uncle Gary’s

  next wedding.

  Mom said I can’t skip it, because I’m in the

  wedding party and I can’t let Uncle Gary down.

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  The thing is, I’ve been in Uncle Gary’s wedding

  party every single time, and I’ll tell you exactly

  how THAT’S gonna go.

  Uncle Gary’s gonna ask me to be a “reader.” Adults

  always pick a kid to read something from the Old

  Testament at weddings because everyone thinks it’s

  cute when the kid can’t pronounce the names.

  I knew Mom wasn’t gonna change her mind, so I

  didn’t spend a lot of time trying to fight it. I

  just went up to my room and called Rowley.

  and then

  ezekiel said to

  zede-…zedy-

  …zekid-…wha?

  how

  darling!

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  I told Rowley I couldn’t go to the party so

  he couldn’t really go, either. I explained that it

  wouldn’t be fair for him to go while I was stuck

  at my uncle’s wedding.

  But Rowley said he’s practically a grown-up now

  and he can make his OWN decisions, so he’s going

  to the party no matter what.

  I got so mad that I hung up the phone. Now

  do you see what I mean about Rowley? That’s

  just the kind of selfish move that makes me glad

  we aren’t friends anymore.

  Yesterday my family piled into the car and drove

  down to Gammie’s for Uncle Gary’s wedding. I was

  in a really bad mood because of the whole party

  thing, and because of something else, too.

  Saturday

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  I remembered that I’m supposed to get “the

  Talk” from Gammie this weekend, and I am

  seriously not in the mood for a lecture right now.

  The last lecture I got was from Dad’s brother

  Uncle Joe, who told me that since I’m in middle

  school I need to start thinking about my “future.”

  Uncle Joe drew up a chart that showed me

  everything I need to do between now and the end

  of high school to increase my chances of getting

  into a good college and landing a job after that.

  So basically Dad and Uncle Joe have the next ten

  years of my life planned out for me.

  Anyway, I was thinking about all this, but then

  something happened that snapped me out of my

  bad mood.

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  Mom called Gammie to tell her we were running

  a little late because we had to stop to pick up

  my tuxedo.

  THAT got my attention. I’ve never had to wear

  a tuxedo for any of Uncle Gary’s other weddings,

  and that could only mean one thing: I’m one of

  the GROOMSMEN.

  The night before the wedding, the groomsmen

  throw the guy who’s getting married a really wild

  party. I’ve seen enough cable TV to know that’s

  something I definitely want to be a part of.

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  I actually felt a little bad for Rodrick, because

  that meant he got passed over. But I figure I

  could take some pictures of the party so he could

  see everything he missed.

  Mostly, though, I felt happy, because while

  Rowley’s at some lame middle school party, I’m

  gonna be riding in a limo and having the time of my

  life. So we’ll see who’s a “man” after this weekend.

  And as a bonus, at the wedding I’ll be paired up

  with one of the bridesmaids. I’m just crossing my

  fingers that Sonja has some cute friends.

  On the way to Gammie’s house, Mom made me

  promise that I wouldn’t wipe away my relatives’

  kisses, because she says it’s “rude.”

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  But I can’t really help it. When some aunt or

  cousin gives me a wet kiss on my cheek, I start

  thinking about the bacteria multiplying on my face,

  and I get all twitchy. The last time we went to

  Gammie’s, I brought some of those antibacterial

  wipes with me to take care of the problem.

  But I promised Mom I wouldn’t wipe any kisses

  this time around. And I shouldn’t have even

  done that, because the first person to greet us

  was Aunt Dorothy, who always kisses me full on

  the lips.

  Wipe

  wipe

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  As soon as I was out of Mom’s sight, though, I

  went straight for the first thing I could find to

  wipe my face.

  Most of the family was already at Gammie’s house

  by the time we got there. It would take me

  forever to describe every single person who was

  there, so I’ll just stick with the highlights.

  My cousin Benjy was there with his parents, Aunt

  Patricia and Uncle Tony. The last time I saw

  Benjy, he could only say two things—

  scrub

  scrub

  no!

  shut

  up!

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  Benjy can speak in full sentences now, and his

  parents say he’s reading chapter books. But I

  wouldn’t be bragging if my son could read and still

  wasn’t potty trained.

  Great Uncle Arthur was in the den, sitting in

  the recliner in front of the tv. I don’t think

  I’ve ever had an actual conversation with Great

  Uncle Arthur, because all he does is grunt and

  make these random sounds. He stayed with us one

  Thanksgiving weekend, and it was like that the

  whole time.

  muuurp.

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  I can’t tell if he’s trying to communicate or what,

  but every once in a while I respond, just in case.

  Great Aunt Reba was there, too, which kind of

  surprised me.

  A few years ago Gammie invited everyone to her

  house on Christmas, but she accidentally forgot

  to send an invitation to Great Aunt Reba. She

  showed up anyway, but she refused to take off

  her coat, and she just sat there in the living

  room, making us all feel guilty.

  rrup?

  umm… no

  thank you.

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  Dad’s second cousin Terrence was there, and the

  only reason I mention him is because everyoner />
  always says I look EXACTLY like he did when

  he was my age, which is really depressing.

  In fact, when I first heard that, I looked

  through Gammie’s photo album to see if it was

  true. And unfortunately, it was.

  what’s

  new, greg?

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  So I guess I’d better start saving up my money

  for plastic surgery.

  Dad’s cousin Byron was there, and I wasn’t too

  excited to see him, either. At the last family

  reunion, Gammie sent Byron out to get milk and

  I rode with him. But he hit a pothole and got a

  flat tire about half a mile from the house.

  Byron told me to go to the house and get help,

  and on my way back it started raining. When I

  walked through the front door, all the ladies in

  the kitchen started yelling at me for tracking

  mud on the floor.

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  They told me to take my shoes off and put them

  in the mudroom, which I did. But all that yelling

  must’ve rattled me, because I forgot all about

  Byron’s flat tire. And when he came back to the

  house a half hour later, he wasn’t too happy.

  Uncle Charlie was there, and I was really glad to

  see him because he’s always got his pockets stuffed

  with candy for us kids.

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  But I didn’t always like Uncle Charlie, because he

  used to tease me when I was little. I used to have

  this pair of red footie pajamas, and every time

  Uncle Charlie saw me, he’d say the same thing—

  For some reason it really got under my skin. I

  told Mom how I felt, and she took me to the

  store to get some new pajamas, which were blue.

  So the next time I saw Uncle Charlie, I knew I

  had him beat.

  hey there,

  red!

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  But it only took him about three seconds to give

  me a NEW nickname.

  The only person who DIDN’T show up to Gammie’s

  was Uncle Lawrence, but that wasn’t really a big

  surprise. Uncle Lawrence is always traveling, and

  he almost never comes to family gatherings. But