The Last Straw (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 3) Read online

151

  I guess he seemed a little disappointed, but he

  got over it pretty quick.

  But tonight, when Dad got home from dinner,

  he looked really mad. He plopped the newspaper

  down in front of me on the kitchen table, and

  here was the picture on the Sports page —

  Did you

  bend your

  knees?

  mm

  hmm.

  A “Blown”

  Opportunity

  Red Socks goalie

  Gregory Heffley

  takes a break from

  the action as a fifty-

  yard kick by Demon

  Dawgs midfielder

  James Byron rolls in.

  The score ended the

  Socks’ bid for an

  undefeated season.

  Apparently, Dad found out about the paper from

  his boss at work.

  ok, so maybe I didn’t tell Dad All the

  details of the game.

  In my defense, though, I didn’t really know

  what happened until I read about it in the

  paper myself.

  Dad didn’t say a word to me for the rest of

  the night. If he’s still mad at me, I just hope

  he gets over it pretty quick. Twisted Wizard 2

  finally came out today, and I’m kind of counting

  on Dad to float me some money so I can get it.

  Great son

  you got

  there, frank!

  153

  Friday

  Tonight after dinner, Dad took me and Rodrick

  out to a movie. It’s not because he was trying to

  be nice, though. He just needed to get out of

  the house.

  Remember how I told you that Mom got on an

  exercise kick a few months ago? Well, she quit

  after her first class. Dad took a picture of Mom

  decked out in all her exercise gear the first day

  she went to the gym, and tonight the pictures

  came in the mail.

  The photo place gives you duplicate prints, so as

  a joke Dad wrote labels on the two pictures of

  Mom and put them up on the refrigerator.

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  Before

  after

  Well, Dad was pretty proud of himself for coming

  up with that one, but Mom wasn’t so amused.

  Heh

  heh.

  Anyway, I guess Dad felt like maybe it was a

  good idea to put a little space between him and

  Mom tonight.

  155

  We went to the new movie theater that just

  opened at the mall. After we bought our tickets,

  we went inside and gave them to the usher, who

  was a teenager with a crew cut. I didn’t recognize

  him at first, but apparently Dad did.

  your

  tickets,

  sir.

  I read the teenager’s name tag, and I couldn’t

  believe my eyes. It was lenwood Heath,

  the bad teenager who used to live on our street.

  The last I saw him, he had long hair and he

  was lighting someone’s trash on fire. But now

  here he was, looking like he just graduated from

  the Air Force or something.

  156

  Dad seemed ReAllY impressed with Lenwood’s

  new look, and the two of them struck up a

  conversation.

  Lenwood said he’s been going to Spag Union

  Military Academy, and he’s just working at the

  movie theater for Spring Break. Then Lenwood

  said he’s trying to get good grades at Spag

  Union so he can get into West Point.

  And all of a sudden Dad was treating Lenwood

  like his new best friend. Which was really crazy,

  especially considering the history between the

  two of them.

  before

  after

  157

  Anyway, Dad kept chatting away with Lenwood,

  so me and Rodrick just got our popcorn and

  went in the theater. And it wasn’t until halfway

  through the movie that I realized what was

  really happening.

  If Dad saw how military school could make a man

  out of a juvenile delinquent like Lenwood Heath,

  then it wasn’t a stretch to think it could make a

  man out of a wimp like me.

  I’m just praying Dad isn’t having those thoughts.

  Right now I’m pretty concerned, because after

  the movie tonight, Dad was in the best mood

  I’ve seen him in for a loNG time.

  Monday

  Well, it’s just like I feared. Dad spent the

  whole weekend reading up on Spag Union, and

  tonight he told me he’s gonna sign me up.

  Here’s the worst part: “New recruits” have to

  report on June 7th, when I’m supposed to be

  on summer vacation.

  Dad tried to convince me that this would be a

  great thing for me, and how Spag Union would

  really whip me into shape. But going off to boot

  camp was not the way I was planning on

  spending my school break.

  I told Dad I won’t last a day at Spag Union.

  First of all, they mix kids my age in with

  teenagers, and that can’t be a good thing.

  159

  I’m sure the older kids would single me out on

  the first day.

  wimp!

  snap

  But what I’m actually a lot more concerned with is

  the bathroom situation. I’ll bet Spag Union is one

  of these places that has open showers with no

  stall doors, and that kind of setup is not for me.

  When it comes to the bathroom, I need my privacy.

  I don’t even use the bathroom at school unless it’s

  an absolute emergency.

  160

  A few classrooms in our school have bathrooms right

  in them, but I can’t even use those, because every

  little sound you make is broadcast to the whole room.

  Hee hee hee hee!

  squork

  The only other option is to use the cafeteria

  bathroom, and that place is a complete madhouse.

  Somebody got the idea a few weeks ago to start

  throwing wet toilet paper around, so now that

  place is like a war zone.

  splat!

  bap

  I can’t concentrate in that kind of an environment,

  so I basically have to hold it until I get home

  from school.

  A couple of days ago, something happened that

  changed the situation. The janitor put some new

  air fresheners in the bathroom.

  I started a rumor that the air fresheners were

  actually security cameras to catch whoever was

  throwing the wet toilet paper.

  boys

  I guess I must’ve told the right people, because

  from that point on the cafeteria bathroom has

  been quieter than the library.

  162

  I might’ve solved the bathroom problem at

  school, but I don’t think I’m gonna be able to

  pull off the same kind of trick at Spag Union.

  And I seriously doubt I can hold it for

  the whole summer.

  I knew I wasn’t gonna convince Dad to change

  his mind, so I went to Mom. I told her I didn’t

  want to go to a place where they make you shave

  your head and do push-ups each day at 5:00

  eve
ry morning. I figured she’d agree with me and

  talk some sense into Dad.

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  But it looks like Mom isn’t gonna be any help to

  me after all.

  i think you’d look

  so handsome

  in a uniform!

  Wednesday

  I knew I needed to do something quick to

  convince Dad that I was tough and didn’t

  need to go to military academy. So I told

  him I wanted to join the Boy Scouts.

  Dad seemed really enthusiastic about the idea, so

  that was a relief.

  Besides trying to find a way to get Dad off my

  back, I have a couple of other reasons for wanting

  to join the Boy Scouts. Number one, Boy Scout

  meetings are on Sundays, so that means I can

  quit soccer.

  164

  And number two, it’s about time I start getting

  some respect from the other kids at school.

  attenshun!

  as you were,

  gentlemen!

  There are actually two Boy Scout troops in my

  town: Troop 24, which is right in our neighborhood,

  and Troop 133, which is about five miles down the

  road. Troop 133 is always having hot dog roasts

  and pool parties and stuff like that, but Troop 24

  is constantly out doing community service projects

  on the weekends. So I’m definitely more of a

  Troop 133 kind of guy.

  Now the trick is to make sure Dad doesn’t find

  out about Troop 24, because he’ll make me sign

  up with them for sure.

  165

  In fact, tonight we were driving to the mall,

  and we passed Troop 24 cleaning up the park.

  Luckily, I distracted Dad at the last second.

  look! a

  bald

  eagle!

  where?

  where?

  Sunday

  Today was my first Boy Scout meeting, and luckily

  it was with Troop 133. I got Rowley to sign up

  with me, too. When we got to the lodge, we met

  Mr. Barrett, the Scoutmaster. He asked me and

  Rowley to say the Pledge of Allegiance and do a

  bunch of other stuff, and we were in. Mr. Barrett

  even gave us our uniforms.

  Rowley was happy because he thought the uniform

  was cool, but I was just happy to have a clean

  shirt for a change.

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  After we put our uniforms on, we joined the rest

  of the troop and started working on merit badges.

  Merit badges are these little patches you get for

  learning how to do all sorts of manly stuff.

  Me and Rowley started flipping through the

  merit badge book to see what we should work on.

  Rowley wanted to do something hard like

  Wilderness Survival or Personal Fitness, but I

  talked him out of it. I said we should just

  start off with something nice and easy, so we

  settled on Whittling.

  But whittling was a lot harder than I thought

  it would be. It took forever to try to carve

  a block of wood into anything, and Rowley got a

  splinter within five minutes.

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  So we went to Mr. Barrett and asked him if there

  was something less dangerous we could do.

  Mr. Barrett said that if we were having trouble

  with the wood, maybe we could use soap instead.

  And that’s when I knew I made the right call

  when I signed up with Troop 133.

  Me and Rowley started carving the soap, but

  then I found out something really great. If

  you get the soap wet enough, you can just mold

  it into any shape you want with your hands. So we

  put away our whittling knives and squeezed

  our soap into a shape instead.

  squish

  squish

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  My first creation was a sheep. I turned it in to

  Mr. Barrett, and he checked one carving off my list.

  I didn’t really know what to do for my next

  carving, so I just turned my sheep upside down

  and handed it back in as the Titanic.

  And believe it or not, Mr. Barrett accepted that

  one, too.

  a terrible

  tragedy,

  that was!

  169

  So me and Rowley both got our Whittling merit

  badges and pinned them to our uniforms. When I

  came home, Dad was really impressed. If I

  would’ve known that this was all it took to make

  him happy, I would have signed up for Boy

  Scouts about six months ago.

  May

  Sunday

  The other day Mr. Barrett announced that our

  Boy Scout troop was having a father-son campout

  this weekend, so I asked Dad if he’d go with me.

  I was pretty surprised with how easy it was to

  impress Dad with that one little merit badge, so I

  figured a whole weekend of him seeing me do

  macho stuff would totally blow him away.

  170

  But yesterday morning I woke up as sick as a

  dog. I couldn’t go, but Dad had to, because he

  signed up to be a driver.

  I stayed in bed pretty much the whole day. I

  just wish I’d gotten sick on a weekday

  instead of a weekend. Last year I didn’t miss

  any days of school, and I promised myself I

  wouldn’t let that happen again.

  congratulations to greg

  heffley for winning the

  perfect attendance award.

  nerd!

  ha

  ha!

  The father-son camping trip turned out to be a

  disaster. The phone rang at 10:00 last night,

  and it was Dad calling from the emergency room.

  Dad got put in a tent with the Woodley brothers,

  Darren and Marcus, because their dad couldn’t

  come. Darren and Marcus were horsing around in

  the tent, even though Dad kept telling them to

  go to sleep. At one point Darren threw a football

  at Marcus, and it hit him in the stomach.

  oof!

  172

  Marcus wet his pants, and I guess Darren thought

  that was pretty funny.

  ha ha

  ha!

  Well, Marcus went totally berserk. He bit

  Darren, and he wouldn’t let go, either.

  chomp

  It took Dad a long time to pry the two of them

  apart, and he had to take Darren to the emergency

  room after that.

  173

  Dad came home this morning, and he was not

  real happy with me for getting him stuck in

  that situation. Something tells me that after

  this weekend, he’s not a real big fan of Troop

  133, either.

  Sunday

  Today was Mother’s Day, and I didn’t have

  anything to give to Mom.

  I was going to ask Dad to take me to the

  store so I could at least get Mom a card or

  something, but Dad was still recovering from the

  father-son campout. And I don’t think he was

  looking to do me any favors, anyway.

  So I had to come up with a homemade gift.

  174

  Last year I made Mom a “Chore Coupon” book

  for Mother’s Day. Each coupon had something

  like “One free la
wn mowing” or “One free window

  washing” on it.

  one free

  car wash

  I give Dad a Chore Coupon book just about every

  Father’s Day, and it always works out great. It’s

  a way for me to take care of my gift obligation

  without having to spend any money, and Dad

  never actually uses any of his coupons in the book.

  huh? oh,

  um, thanks.

  175

  Mom cashed in every single one of her coupons

  last year. So I didn’t want to make the same

  mistake this year.

  i’m going up

  to rowley’s

  to play video

  games!

  right after

  you polish all

  the silverware!

  I tried to think of something original to make

  for Mom today, but I ran out of time. So I

  ended up just piggybacking on Manny’s gift.

  to

  mommy

  from

  manny

  +greg

  Monday

  I figure the best way to get Dad to forget that

  father-son camping mess is to have a do-over. So

  tonight at dinner, I asked Dad if he wanted to

  go on a camping trip, just me and him.

  I’ve been studying up on my Boy Scouts manual, and

  I’m pretty eager to show off what I’ve learned.

  Well, Dad didn’t exactly jump at my offer, but

  Mom thought it was a GReAt idea. She said we

  should go this weekend and that Rodrick could

  go, too. She said it would be a great “bonding”

  experience for the three of us.

  177

  I wasn’t too enthusiastic about that idea, and

  neither was Rodrick.

  In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to get out

  of the house this weekend is because me and

  Rodrick are in a fight.

  Last night Mom was giving Rodrick a haircut in

  the kitchen. Usually when Mom gives us boys a

  haircut, she puts a towel around our necks so

  the hair doesn’t get all over our clothes. But

  yesterday Mom used one of her old maternity

  dresses instead of a towel. So when I saw