The Ugly Truth (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 5) Read online

  Well, I know that’s not true because of the time

  Mom hugged Aunt Dorothy on Christmas Eve.

  toot!

  85

  Anyway, today was the first day of the “Facts

  of Life” unit, and sure enough, Nurse Powell

  sent the kids whose parents wouldn’t sign their

  permission slips down to the library to be “special

  helpers” for the day.

  The rest of us were pretty excited, because we

  couldn’t wait to hear all the juicy stuff Nurse

  Powell was about to tell us.

  But it didn’t go the way I expected at ALL.

  Nurse Powell put some charts up on the easel and

  started talking about “zygotes” and “chromosomes”

  and a whole bunch of other scientific nonsense.

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  rna

  dna

  xx xy

  I kept waiting for her to tell us this was all a

  big joke and then get to the good stuff, but

  it never happened. So I’m guessing the school is

  just trying to confuse us to make us lose interest.

  Anyway, if the school IS trying to confuse us,

  they’re doing a pretty good job. At lunch we

  tried to explain what we learned in the “Facts

  of Life” unit to the kids who didn’t get their

  permission slips signed, and we couldn’t agree on a

  single thing.

  no, no,

  no!

  87

  Saturday

  Another thing Dad’s in charge of now that Mom’s

  back in school is taking us kids to our dentist

  appointments.

  Most kids don’t like going to the dentist, but I

  actually look FORWARD to it. I’ve been going

  to the same dentist since I was two years old,

  and they are totally my type of operation.

  Tender Hugs

  Pediatric Dental Care

  We cater to

  cowards!

  Tall Pines

  Shopping Mall

  Peanut

  But the main reason I like going to the dentist

  is because I am TOTALLY in love with the

  hygienist who works there, Rachel.

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  Rachel always lectures me about brushing and

  flossing and all that, but she’s so cute that it’s

  hard to take her seriously.

  Mom’s always getting after me about flossing, too.

  She says that if I don’t take better care of my

  teeth, I’m gonna end up with dentures before I

  go to college.

  your gums are in

  very bad shape.

  you’re going to

  need to floss

  every day from

  now on.

  ok. hee

  hee hee!

  I’ve been thinking about that, and maybe false

  teeth wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

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  If I had dentures, I could have someone ELSE

  take care of my teeth, and I could spend the

  extra time doing something I actually enjoy.

  The only problem with being in love with your

  hygienist is that you only get to see her every six

  months when you get your teeth cleaned. So I

  have to make the most of every visit.

  I’m gonna need

  these back by

  breakfast.

  The last time I had an appointment, I looked

  Rachel in the eye the whole time she cleaned my

  teeth so she could see I was definitely interested.

  Plop

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  This morning I actually went out and bought

  some cologne to make an extra-good impression on

  her. So when Dad told me to get in the car, I

  was ready.

  But Dad drove right past my dentist’s office and

  got on the highway. I told him that he had

  missed the turn and that Tender Hugs Dental

  Care was back the other way.

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  But Dad said I’m “too old” to keep going to a

  kids’ dentist, so starting today he was switching

  me over to his dentist, Dr. Kagan.

  I got a chill up my spine when he said that name.

  I’ve seen Dr. Kagan’s billboards on the highway,

  and I get the impression he has a totally

  different approach than Tender Hugs.

  DR. SALAZAR KAGAN

  oral surgery

  and general dentistry

  ROOT CANALS

  ABSCESS DRAINAGE

  BONE GRAFTING

  “Because bad oral health is nothing to smile about.”

  I tried to get Dad to change his mind, but he

  said he already did the paperwork to switch me over

  and there was no turning back. I thought about

  making a run for it, but Dad must’ve known what

  I was thinking, because he locked the car doors.

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  Dr. Kagan’s office was even scarier than I

  pictured it. He didn’t have any coloring books or

  toys or the kinds of things they have in the

  Tender Hugs waiting room.

  Dr. Kagan was waiting for me in his office, and

  all his sharp metal instruments and drills were

  right out in the open for me to see when I

  walked in.

  jiggle

  jiggle

  jiggle

  you’d better

  hope you

  flossed

  gum disease

  it’s probably

  already too late

  open wide

  shudder

  shudder

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  So I could tell this guy wasn’t fooling around.

  After I sat down in the chair, Dr. Kagan

  started grilling me about my eating and drinking

  habits. He actually got MAD when I told him

  I drink soda, and he went in the side room and

  brought out a jar filled with brown liquid that had

  a rotten tooth in it.

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  He told me this is what happened to a real tooth

  when it was left in a jar of soda for twenty-four

  hours. I told Dr. Kagan I would make sure I

  never left my teeth in a jar of soda overnight.

  I’m pretty sure he thought I was being

  sarcastic, but I was just trying to show him I

  was paying attention.

  Then he cleaned my teeth. I started to panic,

  because if there’s one person you don’t want to

  be mad at you, it’s the guy who’s got metal tools

  poking around in your mouth.

  At one point, Dr. Kagan started doing X-rays.

  He put a piece of plastic between my teeth and

  told me to bite down. Then he took an X-ray and

  got the next piece of plastic ready.

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  After two or three X-rays, I started to get the

  hang of it, and so when Dr. Kagan did my molars,

  I bit down on the plastic before he even told me

  to. At least I THOUGHT it was the plastic. It

  turns out it was actually Dr. Kagan’s finger.

  aiiiieeee!

  chomp

  Well, if he was mad before, it was NOTHING

  compared to this.

  Dr. Kagan told me to go out to the waiting room

  while he worked on my “diagnosis.” I was pretty

  sure he was gonna come back and tell Dad I

  needed to get a root canal or something so he

  could get even with me.

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  But Dr. Kagan
actually did something even

  WORSE. He told Dad I needed to take “major

  corrective measures” for my overbite, and he gave

  Dad this pamphlet—

  Your Child

  Needs

  HEADGEAR

  Dr. Kagan said I would need to wear my

  headgear at all times, especially during the day

  when I’m at school. So obviously he’s trying to

  ruin my social life.

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  Monday

  When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t find my

  headgear where I left it, so I had to go to school

  without it. Not that I’m complaining or anything.

  In Health class Nurse Powell told us we were

  going to be starting a new unit about parenting.

  She said that being a mother or a father is a big

  responsibility and that in this unit we were gonna

  learn that taking care of a baby is no piece of cake.

  Then she took out a carton of eggs. She said each

  one of us was gonna have to take our egg home

  and return it to class the next day.

  And the rule was that we had to return our

  egg to her in perfect shape, with no cracks in it

  or anything.

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  Now, I don’t know what a chicken egg has to

  do with a baby, but this is one of those situations

  that make me wonder if I’d be getting a better

  education if Mom and Dad switched me over to

  private school.

  Then Nurse Powell said this egg thing was gonna

  count for 25% of our grade.

  Well, when Nurse Powell mentioned grades, I got

  really nervous. I’m already failing Algebra, and

  I don’t need to flunk out of Health, too. So I

  knew I was gonna have to keep my egg safe.

  The other boys didn’t seem too worried about

  THEIR grades, judging by what happened after

  class let out.

  99

  I heard it took the janitor all afternoon to scrub

  the yolks off the lockers.

  splat

  blap

  The only boy besides me who didn’t break his egg

  right away was Rowley, who tucked it in his shirt

  pocket.

  come

  along,

  rowley

  junior.

  pat

  pat

  I didn’t have a shirt pocket or anywhere safe

  to put MY egg, so I needed to figure out

  something quick.

  100

  I ended up getting a huge wad of toilet paper

  from the bathroom and stuffing it into my

  backpack for cushioning. I had to take some of

  my books out so they wouldn’t crush the egg, so

  I guess that means I won’t be doing my History

  homework tonight.

  I’m nervous around eggs anyway, because of an

  incident that happened last year.

  My family got invited to the Snellas’ house for

  another one of their kids’ half-birthday parties.

  The Snellas had a table set up with all sorts of

  food, and most of it looked too fancy for me. But

  I knew Mom would think it was rude if I didn’t

  put something on my plate.

  Stuff

  stuff

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  The only thing I could actually recognize was the

  deviled eggs, because I had them at Gramma’s

  house a couple of times.

  I put about ten of them on my plate. But when

  I bit into one, I gagged. The deviled eggs at

  the Snellas’ house didn’t taste ANYTHING like

  the ones Gramma makes, and now I had a whole

  plate full of them.

  So I waited until no one was looking, and then I

  dumped all the deviled eggs in this plastic plant in

  the dining room.

  Dump

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  I got away with it, but a few weeks later Mrs.

  Snella told Mom there was a really bad smell in

  their house and they couldn’t figure out where it

  was coming from.

  At first Mr. and Mrs. Snella thought the smell

  was coming from the carpet, so they hired a

  cleaner to come shampoo the rug. But that didn’t

  solve the problem, and they thought maybe a

  squirrel or a mouse died in their walls. So they had

  a carpenter come in to try to find it.

  After a few weeks, I guess they couldn’t take

  the smell anymore, so they moved out.

  Rripp

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  And I have to admit I felt a little bit guilty

  when I saw they were taking their plastic plant

  with them.

  Ever since, I’ve been trying to figure out how to

  sneak some deviled eggs into Fregley’s house.

  Tuesday

  Yesterday when I got home, I put my egg in my

  sock drawer, but then I realized it wouldn’t be

  safe in there.

  Whenever I have something new, Manny finds a

  way to get to it and wreck it.

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  In fact, it only took a day and a half for Manny

  to find my headgear. And I don’t care WHAT

  Dr. Kagan says, there’s no way I’m putting

  THAT thing in my mouth again.

  I thought about hiding the egg at the top of my

  closet, but that wouldn’t stop Manny. I hid some

  comic books up there once, but that boy can climb

  like a monkey.

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  What I realized is that the more work I

  put into hiding something, the better chance

  Manny has of finding it. So I decided to hide

  my egg in an obvious spot where he would never

  think to look.

  I put it in the refrigerator on the second shelf.

  But this morning I opened the refrigerator to

  get my egg, and it wasn’t where I left it.

  I went into a panic, and I asked Mom if she’d

  seen Manny take my egg out of the refrigerator.

  But Mom said SHE was the one who took it, and

  that’s what she was making me for breakfast.

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  All of a sudden I felt a little sick to my stomach.

  I realized that if I couldn’t even take care of an

  egg for twenty-four hours, I definitely have no

  business ever being a parent.

  When I got to school, I noticed that all the

  girls in my Health class had gotten THEIR eggs

  to school safely. Some of the girls were carrying

  theirs around in little pouches they’d sewn, and a

  few of them had even accessorized their eggs with

  sparkles and glitter and stuff like that.

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  I’m pretty sure the point of the lesson was to

  teach us how hard it is to take care of a baby,

  so I don’t think the girls were really getting

  the message.

  I was thinking about swiping Rowley’s egg when

  he wasn’t looking and passing it off as my own,

  but he had drawn all over his in crayon, so that

  wasn’t an option.

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  When Nurse Powell came to my desk, I pulled out

  the plastic baggie that had my scrambled egg in

  it, but she didn’t seem too impressed.

  can i at least

  get partial

  credit?

  So I guess that means I’m probably gonna be in

  summer school to repeat Health
class.

  Nurse Powell congratulated everyone who kept

  their eggs in perfect condition overnight. Then she

  collected all the eggs and threw them in the trash.

  Dump

  109

  Well, that sent Rowley and the girls into hysterics.

  All I can say is, this whole episode has got me

  seriously concerned about the next generation of

  parents in our country.

  Friday

  This afternoon there was a knock on the door,

  and when I opened it I was pretty surprised to

  see Grandpa standing there.

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  I was kind of confused, because he had his

  overnight bag with him. But when I turned

  around and saw Mom and Dad with THEIR

  luggage, I figured out what was going on.

  Mom and Dad said they haven’t gotten to spend a

  lot of time together lately, so they decided to go on

  a “romantic weekend getaway.” They asked Grandpa

  to come by and watch us while they were gone.

  I wish they didn’t have to go and throw the

  word “romantic” in there, because that part was

  definitely too much information for me.

  Mom and Dad don’t trust me and Rodrick to be

  home alone, because the LAST time they left us

  on our own, Rodrick had a huge party.

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  Whenever Mom and Dad go away, they usually

  leave us with Gramma. But Gramma’s on a cruise

  with her friends, so that’s why we got stuck

  with Grandpa.

  Mom and Dad don’t give us any advance warning

  when they go away. For their anniversary, we

  didn’t even know they were gone until they called.

  we’re in

  hawaii!

  The LAST time they left us at our own house

  with Grandpa was when me and Rodrick were

  really little. I don’t remember everything that

  went wrong that week, but I do remember that

  he dropped me off for T-ball practice at the

  wrong time and at the wrong field.

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  I don’t think Rodrick was crazy about the idea of

  having Grandpa as a babysitter, because the second