Dog Days (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 4) Read online

  Rodrick for that.

  78

  Mom and Dad got Rodrick a cell phone last year,

  and he racked up a bill for three hundred dollars in

  the first month. Most of that was from Rodrick

  calling Mom and Dad from his room in the basement

  to ask them to turn the heat up.

  So the only thing I’m asking for this year is a

  deluxe leather recliner. My Uncle Charlie has one,

  and he practically lIVes in that thing.

  79

  The main reason I want my own recliner is because

  if I had one, I wouldn’t have to go up to my

  room after watching tv late at night. I could

  just sleep right in the chair.

  Plus, these recliners have all sorts of features, like a

  neck massager and adjustable firmness and stuff like

  that. I figure I could use the “vibrate” feature to

  make Dad’s lectures a lot more tolerable.

  and you really

  need to stop

  leaving your

  dirty clothes in

  the bathroom!

  vrmmmm

  The only reason I’d ever need to get up is to

  go to the bathroom. But maybe I should just

  wait until next year to ask for a recliner,

  because I bet they’ll have that taken care of

  in the new model.

  80

  ahhhhhh!

  flush

  Thursday

  I asked Mom to take me back to Bombshells

  Beauty Salon again today, even though I didn’t

  really need a haircut. I just felt like catching up

  on the town gossip.

  hiiiiiiiiiiiii, greggggggg!

  beauty

  n

  Annette, my hairstylist, said she heard from a lady

  who knows Mrs. Jefferson that me and Rowley had

  a falling out.

  81

  Apparently, Rowley’s “heartbroken” because I didn’t

  invite him to my birthday party. Well, if Rowley’s

  upset, you wouldn’t know it from looking at him.

  Every time I see Rowley, he’s palling around with

  his dad. So the way it looks to me, he’s already

  got himself a new best friend.

  I just wanna say I think it stinks that Rowley

  gets to go to the country club even though he

  still owes money on that fruit smoothie bill.

  Unfortunately, Rowley’s chummy relationship with

  his dad is starting to affect my life. Mom says

  the way Rowley and his dad hang out together is

  “neat” and that me and Dad should go fishing or

  play catch in the front yard or something.

  82

  But the thing is, me and Dad just aren’t cut out

  for that kind of father-son stuff. The last time

  Mom tried to get me and Dad to do something

  like that together, it ended with me having to

  pull him out of Rappahannock Creek.

  duck!

  duck!

  where?

  where?

  Mom won’t let it go, though. She says she wants

  to see more “affection” between Dad and us boys.

  And that’s created some really awkward moments.

  mom says I

  need to hug

  you guys.

  chips

  83

  Friday

  Today I was watching tv, minding my own

  business, when I heard a knock at the front

  door. Mom said there was a “friend” there to

  see me, so I thought it must be Rowley coming

  to apologize.

  But it wasn’t Rowley. It was fregley.

  hello,

  friend!

  After I recovered from my initial shock, I

  slammed the door shut. I started to panic because

  I didn’t know what Fregley was doing at my

  front door. After a few minutes went by, I

  looked out the side window, and Fregley was

  still standing there.

  84

  I knew I had to take drastic measures, so I

  went to the kitchen to call the cops. But Mom

  stopped me before I could finish dialing 911.

  Mom said she invited Fregley over. She said I’ve

  seemed “lonely” ever since I had that fight with

  Rowley, and she thought she’d set up a “playdate”

  with Fregley.

  85

  See, this is why I should never tell Mom about

  my personal business. This Fregley thing was a

  total disaster.

  I’ve heard that a vampire can’t come inside your

  house unless you invite him in, and I’ll bet it’s

  the same kind of deal with Fregley.

  mind if i

  borrow some

  flour?

  sure, it’s back

  in the kitch—

  hey, wait a

  second!

  So now I’ve got two things to worry about:

  the muddy hand and Fregley. And if I had to

  choose the one to get me first, I’d take the

  muddy hand in a heartbeat.

  86

  why don’t you

  go outside

  and play with

  fregley?

  i think

  fregley

  might be

  naked.

  Saturday

  Today was my birthday, and I guess things went

  more or less like I expected. The relatives started

  showing up around 1:00. I asked Mom to invite as

  many people as possible so I could maximize my gift

  potential, and I got a pretty good turnout.

  gifts go on

  the dining

  room table.

  87

  I like to cut to the chase on my birthday and

  get right to the gifts, so I told everyone to

  gather in the living room.

  I took my time with the cards, just like Mom

  asked. It was a little painful, but I got a good

  haul, so it was worth it.

  A special greeting

  And a “how do you do?”

  For a special nephew —

  By golly, that’s you!

  Happy

  Birthday!

  aunt Brenda

  wow, aunt

  brenda,

  this is

  really

  neat!

  when I saw it

  in the store,

  I knew it was

  just perfect!

  Unfortunately, as soon as I collected my

  checks, Mom confiscated the money to pay off

  Mr. Jefferson.

  Pluck

  88

  Then I moved on to the wrapped presents, but

  there weren’t a whole lot of those. The first

  gift, from Mom and Dad, was small and heavy,

  which I thought was a good sign. But I was

  still pretty shocked when I opened it.

  When I looked more closely, I found out it

  wasn’t an ordinary cell phone. It was called a

  “Ladybug.” The phone didn’t have a keypad on it or

  anything. It only had two buttons: one to call home

  and one for emergencies. So it’s pretty much useless.

  89

  All my other gifts were clothes and other stuff I

  didn’t really need. I was still hoping I might get

  that recliner, but once I realized there weren’t

  any places Mom and Dad could be hiding a giant

  leather chair, I gave up looking.

  Then Mom told everyone it was time to go into the


  dining room to have some cake. Unfortunately, Uncle

  Joe’s dog, Killer, had beaten us to it.

  chomp

  gobble

  slurp

  I was hoping Mom would go out and get me a new

  cake, but she just took a knife and cut away the

  parts the dog didn’t touch.

  90

  Mom cut me a big piece, but by that point I

  wasn’t really in the mood for cake. Especially not

  with Killer throwing up little birthday candles

  under the table.

  Sunday

  I guess Mom must’ve felt bad about how my birthday

  went down, because today she said we could go to

  the mall and get a “makeup gift.”

  Mom took Manny and Rodrick along for the ride,

  and she said they could each pick out something,

  too, which is totally unfair, because it wasn’t

  tHeIR birthday yesterday.

  91

  We walked around the mall for a while and ended

  up in a pet store. I was hoping we could pool our

  money to buy a dog, but Rodrick seemed to be

  interested in a different kind of pet.

  Mom handed us each a five-dollar bill and told us

  we could buy whatever we wanted, but five bucks

  doesn’t exactly get you very far in a pet store. I

  finally settled on this really cool angelfish that’s

  all different colors.

  92

  Rodrick picked out a fish, too. I don’t know

  what kind it was, but the reason Rodrick chose

  it was because the label on the tank said the fish

  was “aggressive.”

  Manny spent HIs five bucks on fish food. At

  first I thought it was because he wanted to

  feed the fish that me and Rodrick bought, but

  by the time we got home, Manny had eaten

  half the canister.

  Monday

  This is the first time I’ve had my very own

  pet, and I’m kind of getting into it. I feed

  my fish three times a day, and I keep his bowl

  really clean.

  93

  I even bought a journal so I could keep track of

  everything my fish does during the day. I have

  to admit, though, I’m starting to have a little

  trouble filling up the pages.

  I asked Mom and Dad if we could buy one of

  those aquariums and get a ton of fish to keep

  my little guy company. But Dad said that

  aquariums cost money and maybe I could ask for

  one for Christmas.

  See, this is what stinks about being a kid. You

  only get two shots at getting stuff you want,

  and that’s on Christmas and your birthday. And

  then when one of those days Does come, your

  parents mess things up and buy you a Ladybug.

  94

  If I had my own money, I could just buy

  whatever I wanted and not have to embarrass

  myself every time I needed to rent a video game

  or buy a piece of candy or something.

  Anyway, I’ve always known that I’ll eventually

  be rich and famous, but I’m starting to get a

  little concerned that it hasn’t happened yet. I

  figured I’d at least have my own reality tv

  show by now.

  Last night I was watching one of those television

  shows where a nanny lives with a family for a

  week and then tells them all the ways they’re

  screwing up.

  exit

  95

  Well, I don’t know if the woman had to go to

  some special nanny school or something, but that’s

  the kind of job I was BoRN to do.

  I just need to figure out how to get myself in

  line for that job when the nanny retires.

  your house is a wreck, your kids

  have no manners, and…hey, mr.

  johnson, you’re not going out

  in that shirt, are you?

  A few years ago I started collecting my personal

  mementos, like book reports and old toys and

  stuff like that, because when my museum opens I

  wanna make sure it’s packed with interesting

  things from my life.

  96

  can we get a

  discount for our

  three-month-old?

  sorry, no

  exceptions!

  Greg

  entrance

  admission $20

  tips

  the

  greg heffley

  experience

  But I don’t keep anything like lollipop sticks

  that have my saliva on them because, believe me,

  I do Not need to be cloned.

  we need

  money.

  When I’m famous, I’m gonna have to make some

  life changes.

  97

  I’ll probably have to fly in private jets, because

  if I fly on regular planes, I’ll get really annoyed

  when people in the back try to mooch off my

  first-class bathroom.

  the bathroom in

  the back is full,

  and little timmy

  really has to—

  hey, whoa,

  whoa!

  first class

  only

  vacant

  Another thing famous people have to deal with is

  that their younger siblings end up getting famous

  just because they’re related.

  The

  manny

  show

  98

  My closest brush with fame so far was when Mom

  signed me up for a modeling job a few years ago.

  I think her idea was to get pictures of me in

  clothes catalogues or something like that.

  But the only thing they used my picture for was

  this stupid medical book, and I’ve been trying to

  live it down ever since.

  Your Child

  and

  constipation

  by Marion Locke, PhD

  Tuesday

  I spent the afternoon playing video games and

  catching up on the Sunday comics.

  99

  I turned to the back page, and there was an ad

  where “Li’l Cutie“ usually is.

  Wanna be on the

  funny pages?

  We’re looking for a talented

  cartoonist to write and draw

  a one-panel comic to replace

  “Li’l Cuite.” Can you tickle

  our funny bone?

  Cartoons featuring animals or pets will not be considered.

  Man, I’ve been waiting forever for an

  opportunity like this. I had a comic in my school

  paper once, but this is a chance to hit the BIG time.

  The ad said they weren’t accepting any animal

  comic strips, and I think I know why. There’s

  this comic about a dog called “Precious Poochie,”

  and it’s been running for about fifty years.

  The guy who wrote it died a long time ago, but

  they’re still recycling his old comics.

  100

  I don’t know if they’re funny or not because, to

  be honest with you, most of them don’t even make

  sense to a person my age.

  precious

  poochie

  I just can’t

  seem…

  to figger

  out…

  what’s all

  the fuss…

  over these

  here…


  new-

  fangled…

  phonograph

  devices!

  Anyway, the newspaper has tried to get rid of

  that comic a bunch of times, but whenever they

  try to cancel it all the “Precious Poochie” fans come

  out of the woodwork and make a big stink. I

  guess people think of this cartoon dog as their

  own pet or something.

  101

  The last time they tried to cancel “Precious Poochie,”

  four busloads of senior citizens from Leisure Towers

  showed up at the newspaper offices downtown and

  didn’t leave until they got their way.

  Saturday

  Mom was acting extra-cheery this morning, and I

  could tell she had something up her sleeve.

  At 10:00 she said we all needed to get in the

  station wagon, and when I asked her where we

  were going, she said it was a “surprise.”

  102

  I noticed Mom had packed sunscreen and bathing

  suits and stuff in the back of the station wagon, so

  I thought we must be headed for the beach.

  But when I asked her if I was right, Mom said the

  place we were going was better than the beach.

  Wherever we were going, it was taking a long time

  to get there. And it wasn’t that fun being stuck

  in the backseat with Rodrick and Manny.

  103

  Manny was sitting in between me and Rodrick on

  the hump. At one point Rodrick decided to tell

  Manny the hump was the worst seat in the car

  because it was the smallest and least comfortable.

  Well, that totally set Manny off.

  Eventually, Mom and Dad got sick of Manny’s

  crying. Mom said I had to take a turn on the

  hump because I’m the second youngest and it

  was “only fair.” So every time Dad ran over a

  pothole, my head hit the roof of the car.

  104

  At about 2:00 I was getting really hungry, so

  I asked if we could stop for some fast food. Dad

  wouldn’t pull over, because he said the people at

  fast-food restaurants are “idiots.”

  Well, I know why he thinks that. Every time

  Dad goes to the fried chicken place over near our