Dog Days (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 4) Read online

  house, he tries to place his order through the

  trash can.

  I’d like two value

  meals and a bottle

  of …hello? hello?

  105

  I saw a sign for a pizza place, and I begged Mom

  and Dad to let us eat there. But I guess Mom was

  trying to save money, because she came prepared.

  I packed

  healthy

  snacks!

  SLIPSLIDE

  WATER PARK

  A half hour later we pulled into a big parking lot,

  and I knew exactly where we were.

  We were at the Slipslide Water Park, where we

  used to go as kids. And I mean lIttle kids.

  It’s really a place meant for people Manny’s age.

  106

  Mom must’ve heard me and Rodrick groan in the

  backseat. She said we were gonna have a great

  day as a family and it would be the highlight of

  our summer vacation.

  I have bad memories of the Slipslide Water

  Park. One time Grandpa took me there, and he

  left me in the waterslide area for practically the

  whole day. He said he was gonna go read his

  book and he’d meet me there in three hours. But I

  didn’t actually go on any slides because of the sign

  at the entrance.

  UNDER 48”

  must be

  accompanied

  by an adult

  I thought you had to be forty-eight years old

  to ride, but it turns out the two little lines

  next to the number meant “inches.”

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  So I basically wasted my day waiting for Grandpa

  to come back and get me, and then we had to leave.

  Rodrick has bad memories of the Slipslide Water

  Park, too. Last year his band got booked to do

  a show on the music stage they have near the

  wave pool. Rodrick’s band asked the park people

  to set them up with a smoke machine so they could

  have some special effects for their show.

  But somebody screwed up, and they set Rodrick’s

  band up with a BuBBle machine instead.

  108

  I found out the reason Mom took us to the

  water park today: It was half-price for families.

  Unfortunately, it looked like just about every

  family in the state was there, too.

  When we got through the gates, Mom rented a

  stroller for Manny. I convinced her to spend a

  little more money and rent a double stroller,

  because I knew it was gonna be a long day and

  I wanted to conserve my energy.

  109

  Mom parked the stroller near the wave pool, which

  was so crowded you could barely even see the water.

  After we put on our sunscreen and found a place

  to sit, I felt a few raindrops, and then I heard

  thunder. Then an announcement came over the

  loudspeaker.

  Everyone hit the exits and got in their cars. But

  with all the people trying to leave at the exact

  same time, it was a total traffic jam.

  due to lightning, the slipslide water

  park is now closed. thank you for

  coming, and have a nice day.

  Manny tried to entertain everyone by telling jokes.

  At first Mom and Dad were encouraging him.

  knock knock.

  who’s there? your

  underwear.

  good one,

  manny!

  ha

  ha!

  But after a while, Manny’s jokes didn’t even

  make sense.

  one two free

  four five. five

  named clive.

  We were low on gas, so we had to turn off the

  air conditioner and wait for the parking lot to

  clear up.

  111

  Mom said she had a headache, and she went to

  the back to lie down. An hour later traffic finally

  thinned out, and we got onto the highway.

  We stopped for gas, and about forty-five minutes

  later we were home. Dad told me to wake Mom up,

  but when I looked in the back of the station

  wagon, Mom wasn’t there.

  For a few minutes nobody knew where she went.

  Then we realized the only place she could be was

  at the gas station. She must’ve gotten out to use

  the bathroom when we stopped, and nobody noticed.

  Sure enough, that’s where she was. We were glad

  to see her, but I don’t think she was too happy

  to see US.

  112

  closed

  oops.

  Mom didn’t really say anything on the ride back.

  Something tells me she’s had her fill of family

  togetherness for a while, and that’s good,

  because I have, too.

  Sunday

  I really wish we didn’t go on that trip yesterday,

  because if we stayed home, my fish would still be alive.

  Before we left for our trip I fed my fish, and Mom

  said I should feed Rodrick’s fish, too. Rodrick’s fish

  was in a bowl on top of the refrigerator, and I’m

  pretty sure Rodrick hadn’t fed his fish or cleaned

  the bowl once.

  113

  I think Rodrick’s fish was living off of the algae

  growing on the glass.

  chew

  chew

  When Mom saw Rodrick’s bowl, she thought it

  was disgusting. So she took his fish and put it in

  my bowl.

  dump

  When we got home from the water park, I

  went straight to the kitchen to feed my fish.

  But he was gone, and it wasn’t a big mystery

  what happened to him.

  114

  I didn’t even have time to feel sad about it,

  because today was Father’s Day and we all had to

  get in the car and go up to Grandpa’s for brunch.

  I’ll tell you this: If I’m ever a dad, you’re not

  gonna see me dressing up in a shirt and tie and

  going to Leisure Towers on Father’s Day. I’m

  gonna go off by myself and have some FuN. But

  Mom said she thought it would be good for the

  three generations of Heffley men to be together.

  I guess I must’ve been picking at my food,

  because Dad asked me what was wrong. I told him

  I was bummed out because my fish died. Dad said

  he didn’t really know what to say because he’d

  never had a pet die before.

  115

  He said he used to have a dog named Nutty when he

  was a kid, but Nutty ran away to a butterfly farm.

  I’ve heard Dad tell this same story about Nutty

  and the butterfly farm a million times, but I didn’t

  wanna be rude and cut him off.

  Then Grandpa spoke up and said he had a “confession”

  to make. He said that Nutty didn’t actually run away

  to a butterfly farm. Grandpa said what ReAllY

  happened was that he accidentally ran over the dog

  when he was backing his car out of the driveway.

  was that

  frank’s

  skateboard?

  116

  Grandpa said he made up the butterfly farm story

  so he didn’t have to tell Dad the truth, but that

  now they could have a good laugh over it.

  But Dad was mAD. He told us to get in the car,


  and he left Grandpa with the bill for brunch. Dad

  didn’t say anything on the way home. He just

  dropped us off at the house and drove away.

  screech

  Dad was gone for a long time, and I was starting

  to think maybe he was gonna just take the rest of

  the day for himself. But he showed up an hour

  later carrying a big cardboard box.

  117

  Dad put the box on the floor, and believe it or

  not, there was a DoG in there.

  Mom didn’t seem too thrilled that Dad went out

  and bought a dog without checking with her first.

  I don’t think Dad has ever even bought a pair

  of pants for himself without getting Mom’s ok

  beforehand. But I think she could see that Dad

  was happy, so she let him keep it.

  At dinner Mom said we should come up with a name

  for the dog.

  118

  I wanted to name it something cool like Shredder or

  Ripjaw, but Mom said my ideas were too “violent.”

  Manny’s ideas were a whole lot worse, though. He

  wanted to name the dog an animal name like

  Elephant or Zebra.

  zeeb

  for

  short!

  Rodrick liked the animal name idea, and he said we

  should call the dog Turtle.

  turd for

  short.

  Mom said we should call the dog Sweetheart. I

  thought that was a really terrible idea, because

  the dog is a boy, not a girl.

  119

  But before any of us could fight it, Dad agreed

  with Mom’s idea.

  sweetie

  for short!

  wag

  wag

  I think Dad was willing to go with anything Mom

  came up with if it meant he didn’t have to take

  the dog back. But something tells me Uncle Joe

  would not approve of our dog’s name.

  Dad told Rodrick he should go to the mall to buy

  a bowl and get the dog’s name printed on it, and

  here’s what Rodrick came back with —

  sweaty

  120

  I guess that’s what you get when you send the

  worst speller in the family off to do your errands.

  Wednesday

  I was really happy when we got our dog at first,

  but now I’m starting to have second thoughts.

  The dog’s actually been driving me crazy. A few

  nights ago a commercial came on tv, and it

  showed some gophers popping in and out of their

  holes. Sweetie seemed pretty interested in that, so

  Dad said —

  where are the

  gophers, sweetie?

  where are they, boy?

  That got Sweetie all riled up, and he started

  barking at the tv.

  121

  Now Sweetie barks at the tV constantly,

  and the only thing that gets him to stop is when

  the commercial with the gophers comes back on.

  bark

  bark

  bark

  bark

  But what really bugs me about the dog is that he

  likes to sleep in my bed, and I’m afraid he’ll bite

  my hand off if I try to move him.

  grrrrrr

  And he doesn’t just sleep in my bed. He sleeps

  right smack in the middle.

  122

  Dad comes in my room at 7:00 every morning to

  take Sweetie out. But I guess me and the dog

  have something in common, because he doesn’t like

  getting out of bed in the morning, either. So Dad

  turns the lights on and off to try to make the

  dog wake up.

  come on, sweetie.

  get up get up get

  up get up get up.

  flick

  flick

  flick

  zzzz

  zzzz

  123

  Yesterday Dad couldn’t get Sweetie to go outside,

  so he tried something new. He went to the front

  of the house and rang the doorbell, which made

  the dog shoot out of bed like a rocket.

  The only problem was, he used my face as a

  launching pad.

  ding dong

  bark

  bark

  bark

  bark

  It must’ve been raining outside this morning, because

  when Sweetie came back in he was shivering and

  soaking wet. Then he tried to get under the covers

  with me to get warm. Luckily, the muddy hand has

  given me a lot of practice with this sort of thing,

  so I was able to keep him out.

  124

  dig

  dig

  dig

  Thursday

  This morning Dad wasn’t able to get the dog out

  of my bed no matter WHAt he tried. So he went

  to work, and about an hour later Sweetie woke me

  up to take him outside. I wrapped myself in my

  blanket and then let the dog out the front door

  and waited for him to do his business. But Sweetie

  decided to make a run for it, and I had to chase

  after him.

  125

  You know, I was actually having a pretty decent

  summer until Sweetie came along. He’s ruining the

  two things that are the most important to me:

  television and sleep.

  And you know how Dad is always getting on my

  case about lying around all day? Well, Sweetie is

  twice as bad as me, but Dad’s CRAZY about

  that dog.

  I don’t think the feeling is mutual, though. Dad

  is always trying to get the dog to give him a kiss

  on the nose, but Sweetie won’t do it.

  zzzzzzz

  wriggle

  squirm

  126

  I can kind of understand why the dog doesnt

  like Dad.

  The only person Sweetie really likes is Mom, even

  though she barely pays him any attention. And I

  can tell that’s starting to drive Dad a little nuts.

  Shiver

  shiver

  get down,

  sweetie!

  whimper

  whimper

  127

  I think Sweetie is just more of a ladies’ man. So I

  guess that’s something else we have in common.

  July

  Saturday

  Last night I was working on a new comic to

  replace “Li’l Cutie.” I figured there would be a lot

  of competition for the open slot, so I wanted to

  come up with something that really stood out. I

  made up this comic called “Hey, People!” that’s

  sort of like a half cartoon, half advice column. I

  figure I can use it to make the world a better

  place, or at least a better place for me.

  um…let’s

  see…I

  guess…

  hmm…

  when ordering from a fast-food

  restaurant, try to decide what

  you want before you get to the

  front of the line.

  128

  my toenail was so

  ingrown, it took

  the doctor an hour

  to dig it out!

  when in public, kindly refrain

  from discussing details of your

  recent surgery.

  I figured since Dad reads the comics, I might as well

  write a few that were specifically targeted at him.

>   sha

  after you’re done with your

  shower, please rinse your hair

  off the soap!

  I would’ve written a bunch of comics last night,

  but Sweetie was driving me crazy and I couldn’t

  concentrate.

  While I was drawing, the dog was sitting on my

  pillow licking his paws and his tail, and he was

  really getting into it.

  slork

  slork

  Whenever Sweetie does that, I have to remember

  to flip the pillow over when I go to bed. Last

  night I forgot, and when I lay down I put my

  head right on the wet spot.

  Speaking of licking, Sweetie finally kissed Dad

  last night. It’s probably because Dad had potato

  chips on his breath, and I think dogs have an

  automatic response to that sort of thing.

  130

  lick

  I didn’t have the heart to tell Dad that Sweetie

  had just spent the past half hour on my pillow

  licking his rear end.

  Anyway, I’m hoping I can write a few more

  comics tonight, because I’m not gonna be able to

  get any work done tomorrow. Tomorrow’s the

  Fourth of July, and Mom is making the whole

  family go to the town pool.

  I tried to get out of it, mostly because I want

  to make it through the summer without having to

  walk past the shower guys. But I think Mom’s

  still hoping to have one perfect family day this

  summer, so there’s no use fighting it.

  131

  Monday

  My Fourth of July started out pretty rough. When

  I got to the pool, I tried to get through the

  locker room as quickly as I could. But the shower

  guys were really chatty, and they didn’t make it

  easy on me.

  hey, greg, how’s

  the family?

  patrons

  must

  shower

  before

  entering

  pool

  Then Mom told me she left her sunglasses out in

  the car, so I had to go BACk through the

  shower area to the parking lot. I wore Mom’s

  sunglasses on the return trip to make it clear I