The Ugly Truth (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 5) Read online

  Mom and Dad left, Rodrick took off.

  Unfortunately, I don’t have a van or a driver’s

  license of my own, so I was stuck with Grandpa

  and Manny.

  let’s play

  gin rummy!

  SCREECH

  Shuffle

  113

  Manny went straight to bed, even though it

  was only 4:30 in the afternoon. So that left

  just me and Grandpa.

  Grandpa made grilled cheese sandwiches with the

  crusts cut off for dinner, which I haven’t had

  since I was really little. We watched some TV,

  but then at 7:00 Grandpa shut it off and asked

  me if I wanted him to read me a story. I haven’t

  had a bedtime story since I was in kindergarten,

  but I didn’t wanna hurt Grandpa’s feelings, so I

  just went along with it.

  Saturday

  Since I went to bed at 7:30 last night, I woke

  up really early this morning.

  114

  And when I came downstairs, I saw a big white

  binder sitting out on the kitchen table.

  taking care of

  Gregory & Rodrick

  A

  to

  Z

  All of a sudden the grilled cheese sandwiches and

  the story and the early bedtime all made sense.

  Grandpa was using the manual Mom made for him

  the LAST time he took care of us at home, eight

  or nine years ago.

  I flipped through the pages, and sure enough, it

  was filled with instructions for how to take care

  of us when we were little kids.

  115

  And at least 95% of it was totally outdated.

  R

  is for red

  fruit juice

  Do not let Rodrick drink

  any before bedtime as

  it makes him extremely

  hyperactive.

  Some of the stuff in there was actually pretty

  embarrassing. I’m just glad I found the manual

  before Rodrick did, or he’d never let me hear the

  end of it.

  S

  is for

  sneakers

  Gregory calls his

  sneakers “wild boys.”

  He does not know

  how to tell his left

  and right shoes apart

  so he will need help

  getting them on.

  116

  I flipped to the page with “T” on it, and here’s

  what I found—

  T

  is for

  television

  The boys may watch

  up to thirty minutes

  of educational

  programming a day.

  I don’t think I’m gonna survive a whole weekend

  with Grandpa if I’m not allowed to watch a lot

  of TV, so I ripped out the page and drew up a

  new one.

  T

  is for

  television

  Gregory is allowed

  to watch as much

  as he likes.

  117

  Then I realized that the “S” page was on the

  back of the “T” page, so I had to replace that

  one, too.

  S

  is for

  spanking

  It’s what you should

  do to Rodrick if he ever

  leaves the house without

  asking first.

  Monday

  Unfortunately, Mom and Dad got home before

  Rodrick did yesterday, and Grandpa went back to

  his condo. Which is a shame, because I was really

  keeping my fingers crossed on that “S” thing.

  Mom said that she and Dad did a lot of talking

  over the weekend, and they agreed that things

  have started to slip around the house ever since

  she started going back to school.

  118

  I figured Mom was gonna chew us guys out for

  not doing our share, but she actually said she was

  gonna HIRE someone to help with the cleaning.

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The words

  Mom used were “domestic help,” but I knew that

  was just code for “maid.”

  I guess Mom was pretty embarrassed about having

  to hire someone to help out with the household

  chores, because she asked us all not to mention it

  to anyone.

  Well, I’m sorry, but opportunities like this don’t

  come around too often for me, so it was a little

  hard to keep quiet at school.

  we’re getting

  a maid!

  119

  Chirag Gupta said his family doesn’t NEED a maid

  and that he was glad his mom is there when he

  comes home from school every day.

  chew

  chew

  But I’m sure that’s what all the non-maid people

  say to make themselves feel better.

  Tomorrow is our maid Isabella’s first day. I

  thought that meant we could all kick back and be

  a little extra slobby, since someone would be picking

  up after us, but Mom made everyone clean the

  house tonight. She said she didn’t want Isabella

  thinking we lived in a “pigsty.”

  vroom

  vroom

  120

  Tuesday

  Today when I got home from school, Isabella

  was in the family room watching a talk show. I

  guess I can’t really blame her for loafing around,

  since we had done all the cleaning for her. But she

  stayed for about two hours and totally hogged

  the TV.

  today on

  “darlena”…

  backstabbing

  best friends!

  mm mm

  mm.

  Tonight when Mom got home after her classes,

  she was amazed at how spotless the house was.

  I don’t think she remembered that WE were the

  ones who did all the work.

  121

  But she seemed happy, so I didn’t want to spoil

  it for her.

  I wasn’t as happy as Mom. Last night I left

  Isabella a note asking her to take care of my

  laundry. I wasn’t sure if she would take orders

  from a kid, so I made the note look like it was

  from Mom.

  Dear Isabella,

  Please do my son

  Gregory’s laundry.

  Sincerely,

  Mrs. Heffley

  122

  I’m technically supposed to do my OWN laundry,

  and I didn’t want Mom to find out I was asking

  Isabella to do it for me. So I put this line at

  the bottom—

  P.S. Now that you’ve read

  my note, you should just

  throw it out.

  Dear Mrs. Heffley,

  now, which child

  is Gregory again?

  Isabella

  Then I put the note on top of the bag and

  left it out where Isabella would see it. I was

  expecting to come home and find all my laundry in

  neat, folded piles on my bed, but instead I got a

  note BACK from Isabella.

  Luckily, I got home before Mom did, or she would’ve

  found it.

  123

  That really stunk, because I had to haul my

  laundry bag all the way back upstairs. And let

  me tell you, it was a lot harder going up than

  coming down.

  Isabella doesn�
�t come back until Thursday, so I

  guess I’ll have to wait until then to take another

  crack at it.

  This is actually pretty exciting for me, because

  I’ve never had anyone I could farm my work out

  to. Rodrick is ALWAYS tricking me into doing

  stuff for HIM.

  He’ll start by asking me to do something, and I

  always say no.

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  Then he starts counting down from ten. And I

  don’t know why, but that gets to me every time.

  go get me

  some ice

  cream.

  no

  way!

  10…9…

  8…

  zow

  I’ve found out that kind of thing doesn’t work

  on adults.

  125

  Last week I tried to get Dad to fetch the TV

  remote, because I left it on the kitchen table.

  But he didn’t even move a muscle.

  10… 9…

  8…

  Anyway, I’m hoping Isabella comes through for

  me on Thursday. I’ve been wearing the same socks

  for a few days now, and they’re starting to feel

  like cardboard.

  Thursday

  Ok, now this is starting to get a little ridiculous.

  Last night I dragged my laundry back downstairs

  and left another note for Isabella.

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  But instead of clean laundry, I just got

  another note.

  Dear Isabella,

  Gregory is the child whose bedroom

  has blue wallpaper. Please wash

  and dry his clothes and put them

  in his room.

  Thank you,

  Mrs. Heffley

  Dear Mrs. Heffley,

  Thank you for the clarification. Now,

  would you like me to separate the

  darks from the lights or wash them

  all together?

  Isabella

  Now I get Isabella’s act. She’s gonna keep

  dragging this out forever. On the one hand, I

  kind of have to respect her skill at avoiding work. But on the other hand, I really do need some

  clean underwear soon.

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  And what REALLY stinks is that Isabella has

  been eating our junk food. I went to get some

  pretzels out of the pantry tonight, and the bag

  was practically empty.

  I noticed the potato chips were gone, too. And

  believe it or not, Isabella left a note in the

  pantry to complain about our snack selection.

  Dear Mrs. Heffley,

  Please note that I

  prefer farfecue potato

  chips over plain ones.

  Isabella

  Well, the potato chips she ate were barbecue,

  but she just didn’t know it. Manny licks the

  flavoring off the barbecue chips and puts them

  back in the bag. Unfortunately, I had to learn

  that the hard way.

  chew

  128

  Monday

  Mom went out and bought a bunch of snacks just

  for Isabella and put them in the pantry, and the

  rest of us aren’t allowed to touch them.

  Today at school they announced that they’re

  going to have a special fundraiser for the music

  program, called a “Lock-In.” From what I can

  tell, it’s sort of like a big boy-girl slumber party,

  so you can definitely count me in.

  psst

  We’re having a

  Lock-In

  this Friday night!

  Your child is invited to a night of supervised

  fun in the middle school auditorium. The

  event goes from dusk till dawn and features

  games and prizes.

  Chaperones needed!

  Admission is $5 and all proceeds will go to

  the Save Our Music Program fund.

  fun!

  games!

  129

  Tuesday

  The only thing that bothered me was the

  “chaperone” part. So I cut that out before I

  showed it to Mom.

  All right, I’ve had it with our maid. I gave

  her one more shot at doing my laundry, and she

  weaseled out of it again.

  This is what I found sitting on top of the

  laundry bag when I got home—

  Dear Isabella,

  It is fine to mix the lights and

  darks together. Please take

  care of this at your earliest

  convenience as Gregory is

  out of clean clothes for school.

  Mrs. Heffley

  130

  I officially give up. Since we always clean the

  house before Isabella comes, I’m pretty sure the

  only “work” she does is writing these notes.

  And it gets worse. When I got into bed tonight,

  I felt something at the bottom of my sheets. So

  I reached down and found what I think was a

  panty hose sock.

  Dear Mrs. Heffley,

  Thank you for the clarification

  on how to handle the lights and

  the darks. Unfortunately, I have

  misplaced your earlier note in

  which you stated who Gregory is.

  Isabella

  Sniff

  sniff

  131

  That means Isabella has been taking naps in

  MY BED. I went into Mom’s room and told her

  that I think she made a mistake hiring Isabella

  and that she should let her go.

  But Mom didn’t want to hear it. She said that

  the house has been “immaculate” ever since we hired

  her and that everyone should be grateful for the

  work she’s doing for us. So Isabella’s got Mom

  TOTALLY fooled.

  All I can say is, if being a maid means watching

  TV all day, eating snacks, and taking naps in my

  bed, then I guess I’ve finally found a career I

  can get excited about.

  132

  November

  Saturday

  Dad dropped me off at school at 8:00 last night

  for the Lock-In, and the second I walked

  through the door, I knew I made a huge

  mistake. It was, like, 90% boys and 10% girls.

  And even worse, ROWLEY was there.

  I turned to leave, but one of the chaperones had

  already locked the door. So I was stuck there for

  the night with everyone else.

  133

  I’m guessing most of the girls in my class decided

  not to go to the Lock-In and the ones who DID

  show up just didn’t get the word in time.

  I decided I was gonna have to make the most

  of it, and I walked into the auditorium, where

  everyone else was taking their stuff. The first

  thing I noticed was that there was at least one

  adult for every kid, which is not really a great

  recipe for wild times.

  Most of the chaperones were parents, but a few

  of them were teachers. And something tells me

  the teachers were only there because they didn’t

  have a choice.

  134

  I plopped my stuff down on the stage, where all

  the other kids were. Then I noticed that Rowley

  was there, so I moved my stuff to the other

  side of the stage.

  I think most of the kids had already written

  off the night, because just about everyone was

  p
laying with whatever electronic gadget they

  brought with them.

  beep boop

  tap

  tap

  tap

  I didn’t even THINK of bringing my video

  games, and I didn’t have a magazine or anything

  to entertain myself. So I asked one of the

  grown-ups what I could do.

  Mrs. Barnum told me there was an “activity

  center” in the corner for anyone who needed to

  take a “fun break” during the night.

  135

  But all of the activities were little-kid stuff.

  Activity

  Center

  I decided to just sit on my sleeping bag with my

  hands folded on my lap instead.

  At 9:00 the adults said it was time for “party

  games,” but nobody heard them because everyone

  had headphones on. Mr. Tanner said people

  needed to be “social,” so he confiscated all the cell

  phones, music players, and whatever else kids had

  and put them in a garbage bag.

  Ball Pit

  136

  Then we all sat in a circle in the middle of the

  auditorium. Mrs. Carr said we were gonna play

  some “icebreakers” that would help us get to know

  each other better.

  But the truth is, all of us kids know one another

  really well, because we’ve been together since

  preschool. In fact, I think we know each other

  TOO well.

  Mrs. Carr said we were gonna start with something

  called the “Name Game,” where everyone goes

  around and gives themselves a nickname that

  starts with the same letter as their first name,

  like “Sporty Seth” or “Funny Fred” or something

  like that. The idea was that your nickname would

  say something about your personality.

  137

  Rowley went first.

  respectful

  rowley!

  It was really stressful trying to come up with a

  cool-sounding nickname, and my turn was coming up

  quick. I finally settled on “Great Greg,” which I

  know is a little lame, but it was hard to think of a

  decent nickname that starts with the letter “G.”

  I guess the kid to my right, George Fleer, was