Double Down (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 11) Read online

  DIPER

  104

  Just after the cop drove away, Mom spotted

  Rodrick’s van on the highway and pulled in behind us.

  And I guess the pig hadn’t totally emptied out yet,

  because it coughed up one last puddle of candy corn.

  Tuesday

  Last night when we got home, Mom said she

  wasn’t mad at me, she was DISAPPOINTED.

  And when it comes to Mom, that’s even WORSE.

  She said she’s disturbed by my “pattern of

  deception,” and that between the incident at

  Maddox’s house and what happened with the

  pig, she didn’t feel like I could be trusted. I

  explained for the millionth time that the Lego

  thing was just a misunderstanding, but she’d

  obviously already made up her mind about that one.

  BLARF

  105

  The last time we had a conversation like this was

  when I was in the fourth grade, and I’ll admit

  I totally deserved a punishment that time around.

  It actually started with something kind of small.

  Mom used to pack my lunch every morning, and

  I’d always eat my sandwich and snack but toss

  whatever fruit she’d put in there.

  Mom figured out I wasn’t eating my fruit, so one

  day she put an apple in my lunch and made me

  promise to bring the core home to prove I’d eaten

  it. She said if I DIDN’T, she wouldn’t pack a

  snack for me anymore.

  At lunch I forgot all about my promise, and I

  threw my fruit away like usual.

  TOSS

  106

  And when I got home, Mom asked me where my

  apple core was.

  I probably should’ve just come clean, but for some

  reason I made up a lie. I told her that on the

  way to school that morning, a bully grabbed me

  and stole my apple.

  It was a pretty desperate move on my part, but

  I was worried Mom wasn’t gonna give me a snack

  the next day if I told her the truth.

  107

  I thought my story was so lame that Mom would

  see right through it. But she wanted to know

  more about this bully, so I really let it rip.

  I told her the kid’s name was Curtis Litz and

  that he was a foot taller than me, with a

  unibrow, and a mole on his chin. I figured if

  Mom was looking for DETAILS, I wasn’t gonna

  disappoint her.

  Mom said she could step in, but this was a good

  opportunity for me to learn how to settle a

  conflict on my OWN.

  So that night she brought me a pen and paper

  and had me write Curtis a letter, which I did.

  108

  Dear

  Curtis,

  Please

  don't

  take

  my

  apple

  again.

  My

  mom

  says

  I need

  it

  for

  my

  nutrition.

  Sincerely,

  Greg Heffley

  I probably should’ve just ended it right then.

  But I wrote a fake letter to myself from Curtis

  instead. And to make sure Mom could see how

  BAD this kid was, I added a rude drawing at

  the end.

  DEAR

  GREGORY,

  YOUR

  APPLE

  WAS

  DELICIOUS.

  TELL

  YOUR

  MOMMY

  TO

  SEND

  ME

  ANOTHER

  ONE

  TOMORROW.

  FROM

  CURTIS

  A BUTT

  109

  Well, I guess I took it too far, because the

  next day Mom came to school with that letter,

  demanding to speak to Curtis Litz.

  The secretary told Mom there was no student

  named Curtis Litz at the school, and when Mom

  asked me about him I said he must be homeschooled.

  After that I got kind of nervous, and for the

  next two weeks I had Rowley eat my apple at

  lunch and give me the core.

  MAIN

  OFFICE

  CHOMP

  110

  Mom seemed to forget all about it until we sat a

  row behind the Bartlemans at church one weekend.

  Their fifth-grade son, Tevin, looked just like my

  description of Curtis Litz, and he caught Mom’s eye.

  Mom told Tevin’s parents they’re raising a rotten

  kid and that they owed her some apples. I felt

  pretty bad, because Tevin Bartleman is a nice

  kid and his family volunteers at the soup kitchen

  downtown every Saturday morning.

  Later on in the year Mom joined the Fundraising

  Committee, which was headed up by Mrs.

  Bartleman. It didn’t take long for Mom to figure

  things out from there, and I lost TV privileges

  for a whole month as punishment.

  111

  But I actually ended up getting a DOUBLE

  punishment, because for the rest of that year,

  every time Tevin saw me in the hallway, he really

  let me have it.

  Last night Mom decided that my punishment for

  lying was for me to take THREE chores out of

  the Grab Bag every day this week.

  Unfortunately, she already cleared out all of

  Rodrick’s slips of paper, which means there’s no

  chance I’ll get an easy one.

  JERK!

  PUNCH

  EAT

  SOME

  ICE

  CREAM.

  112

  When we wrapped up our conversation last night,

  Mom said I’m a smart kid with a good imagination,

  but I just need to DO something with it.

  Listen, I’m not proud of myself for lying, but

  trust me, I’m not the ONLY one in this family

  who bends the truth.

  I’ve heard grown-ups lie ten times a week, but if

  you ask me I’ll bet it’s even MORE than that.

  The first time I remember Mom telling me a lie

  was when I was about three years old and she

  had me try broccoli.

  And Mom doesn’t seem to have any problem lying

  to MANNY, either.

  IT TASTES

  LIKE CANDY!

  113

  Last December, when Mom put the gingerbread

  house out on the kitchen table, she told Manny

  not to touch it until Christmas or it would turn

  into a million spiders, which is kind of a crazy

  thing to tell a little kid. But it backfired when

  Manny fumigated the gingerbread house with a can

  of bug spray.

  Dad’s a pretty honest guy in general, but even

  HE fibs when it’s convenient for him.

  Dad used to HATE it when the ice cream truck

  came through our neighborhood, because me and

  Rodrick would always start begging him for money

  as soon as we heard the music.

  So Dad told us the ice cream truck only plays

  music when they’re OUT of ice cream.

  FWOOSF

  114

  I actually think lying might be inherited, because

  GRANDPA does it, too. But he should’ve gotten

  his stories straight with Dad, because Grandpa use
d

  to say the ice cream truck driver was a clown who

  spanked children he caught roaming around outside.

  I’m kind of embarrassed to say that when Grandpa

  first told me that, I actually BELIEVED him.

  CREAM

  115

  So I felt like it was my responsibility to get the

  word out to OTHER kids in the neighborhood.

  I’ve learned not to trust the grown-ups in our

  family, but nobody’s done more to mess with my

  head than RODRICK.

  The first lie I can remember him telling me was

  that if your belly button got untied, your BUTT

  would fall off.

  I made sure my preschool classmates knew about

  that, which caused a big stir at school.

  RUNNNNNN!

  116

  Right around this same time Rodrick told me that

  the outer ring of the toilet seat was only used by

  girls, and that guys are supposed to lift the seat

  no matter WHAT.

  I believed him, and if I hadn’t accidentally left the

  door unlocked one night, I might’ve gone on using

  the toilet the wrong way for the rest of my life.

  117

  Sometimes Rodrick told me things that got me in

  BIG trouble. When I was in second grade he said

  that if a person wears camouflage, they’re actually

  INVISIBLE to everyone else.

  That one got me banned from the town pool for

  the rest of the summer.

  A lot of Rodrick’s lies ended up costing me

  MONEY, too. One year Rodrick told me that if

  I dug a hole and put all my birthday money in it,

  a tree would grow and I could get cash from it

  whenever I WANTED.

  That seemed like a pretty sweet deal to ME.

  TO POOL

  AREA

  HEY!

  SHOWERS

  118

  So I did what he said, and I even watered it

  twice a day. But when I told Mom my Money Tree

  wasn’t growing, she got a shovel and dug up the

  hole, which was EMPTY.

  I’m glad Mom stepped in when she did, because

  in another day or two all of my birthday money

  would’ve been spent on bubble gum and comic books.

  119

  Sometimes Rodrick just took my money outright.

  Once, when I lost one of my baby teeth, I

  put it under my pillow for the tooth fairy. But

  when I went to see if she left me fifty cents,

  I found a note that I’m pretty sure Rodrick

  wrote himself.

  Rodrick told me the tooth fairy was only ONE

  of the fairies that comes in the middle of the

  night and gives money. He said there was an

  arm fairy and a leg fairy and a bunch of other

  ones, too.

  Rodrick said that when you get older your child

  arms and legs fall off, and when they do, you put

  them under your pillow and get money.

  SORRY

  I'M

  LIGHT ON

  CASH

  TONIGHT. I

  WILL HOOK YOU UP

  NEXT TIME.

  - T.F.

  120

  He said after THAT, your adult limbs start

  growing in, but sometimes a kid’s arms or legs get

  loose and the adult ones come in early.

  I was TERRIFIED that was gonna happen to

  ME, so I checked every night to make sure my

  arms and legs were on tight.

  Rodrick was always coming up with ways to scare

  me. Back when our basement wasn’t finished, there

  were open gaps under the stair treads.

  121

  Rodrick said if I went up the stairs too slow, a

  monster would grab my ankle. From then on, I

  started taking the stairs two

  at a time.

  After I got good at THAT, I tried taking the

  stairs THREE at a time. But I guess that was a

  little too ambitious.

  ZOW

  TRIP

  122

  Eventually we finished the basement and the

  gaps were covered up with wood. But GRAMMA’S

  basement is still unfinished, and before I go down

  there I usually make sure everything’s all clear first.

  Another thing Rodrick said to scare me was

  that if I burped indoors, the ghost of George

  Washington would haunt me. I have no idea how

  he came up with THAT one, but it still makes me

  think twice before opening a can of soda.

  GROAN

  123

  Sometimes Rodrick would tell me something that

  actually COULD be true,

  and that’s when things

  got confusing.

  He told me once that if a person sleeps with their

  mouth open they’ll eat an average of five spiders

  a night, which is kind of believable if you think

  about it.

  Another time Rodrick told me that it’s dangerous

  to wake someone up when they’re sleepwalking. I

  thought there could be a chance he was actually

  telling the truth, because I’m pretty sure I

  heard that one somewhere else.

  ZZZZZ

  124

  But then a few nights later I caught Rodrick

  eating an ice cream sandwich that was supposed to

  be MINE and I realized it was just another one

  of his dirty tricks.

  I’ve been lied to so much over the years, it could

  take me the rest of my life to figure out what’s

  true and what’s not.

  In the meantime, I’m not taking any chances.

  CHEW

  CHEW

  BURP

  125

  Thursday

  Mom’s only been going to school for a few days

  now, but she’s acting like a COMPLETELY

  different person. When she gets home at night,

  she’s always in a good mood. She doesn’t even get

  mad if I haven’t finished my chores.

  Mom says she’s happy because she’s being challenged

  at school, and the rest of us should try learning

  new things, too.

  But I have a theory when it comes to this sort

  of thing. I figure your brain only has so much

  space in it, and by the time you’re eight or nine

  years old, it’s all filled up.

  126

  So if you want to learn something new after

  THAT, you have to make room by getting rid of

  something OLD.

  I figure that’s why school gets harder the further

  you go. Every time new information comes in, your

  brain automatically clears out something ELSE to

  make space.

  To prove my point, ever since I learned about

  photosynthesis in Science, I haven’t been able to

  remember how to do long division.

  Question 1: What is 367 divided by 12?

  Remember to show your work!

  NO

  CLUE.

  The way

  to

  calculate the

  jupiter is

  the

  largest

  Jamestown

  was

  the first

  An electron

  is

  a

  stable

  subatom

  127

  I just wish you could CHOOSE what your brain

  gets rid of. I’ve completely forgotten the
cheat

  codes for Twisted Wizard, but I still have a really

  clear memory of the time I scared Dad when he

  came out of the shower.

  And believe me, I’d pay good money to wipe

  THAT image from my memory bank.

  Mom says me and Rodrick need to start thinking

  about what we want to do when we grow up and

  start planning for the future NOW. She says

  when you’re a kid you should do as many things as

  you can to find out what you like so that later

  you’ll know what to focus on.

  RAAAH!

  SCREAM!!!

  128

  I already KNOW what I want to do for my

  career. I’m planning on being a video game

  tester when I grow up. The way I see it, I’ve

  been training for that job ever since I was old

  enough to hold a controller in my hands.

  But whenever I tell Mom my plan, she doesn’t

  seem excited about it.

  Mom says I should set my sights HIGHER and

  become an engineer or a doctor or something like

  that. She says if I just play video games all day

  and don’t take school seriously, I’m gonna end

  up being a garbage collector.

  BLAM

  POW

  POW

  CHIPS

  129

  First of all, the only doctor I know is our

  pediatrician, Dr. Higgins, and I can’t see myself

  spending the rest of my life suctioning mucus out

  of little kids’ noses.

  And second, being a garbage collector seems like

  a pretty sweet deal to ME. The guys who collect

  our trash get to be outside every day and crank

  their music up really loud. So if the video game

  tester thing doesn’t work out

  for me, garbage

  collector seems like a good fallback plan.

  When I was little, Mom always told me I could be

  anything I wanted when I grew up.

  CRUNCH

  TOSS

  130

  I didn’t find out until later on that she was

  just talking about JOBS. I thought I could

  literally be ANYTHING.

  Mom’s always saying we have a lot of brains in

  our family, and that one of my great-great-