Double Down (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 11) Read online

  great aunts helped invent a cure for a disease

  way back when.

  131

  But trust me, we’ve got a lot of real DUMMIES

  in our family, too. Just last week my uncle Gary

  cut down a big branch that was overhanging his

  driveway, and he ended up breaking his collarbone.

  With people like Uncle Gary in my gene pool, it’s

  a miracle I can even tie my own shoes. But Mom’s

  always saying I can do great things if I put

  my mind to it.

  SAW

  SAW

  132

  Albert Sandy says human beings only use 80% of

  our brains, and if we can tap into the OTHER

  20%, we can do

  amazing things.

  If I’m the one who figures out how to tap into

  that extra 20%, though, I’m keeping that

  knowledge to myself. Because if you have all these

  people going around using their brains at full

  capacity, it’s gonna be totally bananas.

  KA-

  BOOM

  Wednesday

  Mom’s been trying to get Rodrick excited about

  college, and said it’s time for him to get serious

  about looking into schools.

  But Rodrick’s still convinced his band is gonna

  make it big and that college is just a waste of

  time for a guy like him. I think Mom’s starting

  to get a little worried, because now she’s making

  Rodrick research colleges for a half hour a day

  instead of doing chores.

  Rodrick wrote to a handful of schools to ask for

  their brochures, and Mom got all excited when

  they came in the mail. But most of the colleges

  were for DOGS, which either Rodrick didn’t

  notice or he thinks those might be the only

  schools he has a chance of getting into.

  134

  Since Mom can’t get Rodrick interested in college,

  she’s turned her attention to ME. On Monday,

  Mom took me to her school so I could see what

  the campus was like, and I have to admit it was

  actually kind of cool.

  WOOF

  WOOF

  COLLEGE

  FETCH

  UNIVERSITY

  K-9

  ACADEMY

  Mom said that in college you can study anything

  you WANT, and all you need to succeed is a

  “curious mind.” She told me that, while she went

  to her class, I should explore the campus so I

  could get a sense of what it’s like for students.

  I walked around for a while, but I felt like I

  didn’t belong there.

  Eventually I went to the library and just waited

  for Mom to be finished with her class.

  I started doing my homework, but I could tell

  that all the college kids were wondering what some

  middle schooler was doing in

  their library.

  136

  That’s when I remembered hearing about a girl

  my age who’s so smart, she’s already in medical

  school studying to be a doctor. I figured if I

  made myself look really smart, I’d look like I

  BELONGED there.

  So I grabbed a stack of thick books about

  psychology off the nearest shelf and pretended I

  was really into them.

  A few minutes later, a girl pulled up a chair and

  started talking to me.

  137

  The girl said I looked smart and she wanted

  to know if I’d be willing to tutor her for her

  Psychology test she had later in the week.

  Now, I don’t know the first thing about

  psychology, but I realized an opportunity like

  THIS only comes up once in a lifetime. I told her

  I was kind of busy at the moment, but I’d be

  willing to tutor her the NEXT day.

  When Mom came back from class, I used her

  library card to check out every book on psychology

  I could find. And that night I studied like I’ve

  never studied before.

  When the next day rolled around, I was READY.

  I asked Mom if she’d take me back to her college,

  and she seemed thrilled.

  138

  I spent two hours helping that girl prepare for

  her test, and by the time we were done, I knew

  she’d get a good grade. But then this big guy

  came by who was apparently her BOYFRIEND.

  And believe me, if I’d known there was a

  boyfriend involved I wouldn’t have killed myself

  learning a bunch of useless information.

  If this is the kind of thing I can expect in

  college, I’m gonna have to PASS. And by the

  way, I was right about what happens when you

  learn new stuff. I had a test on world capitals

  today, and I couldn’t remember a single one.

  FLICK

  ZZZZZZ

  139

  Monday

  All anyone at school can talk about these days is

  Mariana Mendoza’s Halloween party, which is this

  coming Friday. But it’s a little annoying for me,

  because I won’t be getting an invitation.

  Mariana’s parties are kind of legendary because her

  parents don’t care WHAT goes on, as long as it

  stays in the basement.

  140

  Last year’s party got TOTALLY out of control.

  It started OFF in the basement, but so many

  people showed up that it spilled out into the

  yard, and the cops came to shut it down. And

  that’s a pretty big deal for a middle school party.

  This year, Mariana’s parents said she has to keep

  it SMALL, so she’s only inviting people who are

  in the school band with her. That’s bad news for

  kids like me who were hoping to get invited this

  time around.

  Rowley’s gonna get invited, though, because he’s

  in the band. But believe me, if he goes to a party

  like THAT, he’s gonna be in over his head.

  141

  I was thinking about this at school today when

  I had a genius idea. If I join the BAND, I

  can get invited to Mariana’s party.

  Tonight, when I told Mom and Dad I wanted

  to join the band, Mom was all for it. She was

  really excited I wanted to challenge myself and

  try something new. But Dad wasn’t crazy about

  the idea.

  Dad said instruments are EXPENSIVE, and he

  doesn’t think I’ll stick with it. But Mom said

  Rodrick stuck with the DRUMS, which I don’t

  think really helped my case.

  That’s when Dad brought up the PIANO.

  CRASH

  SMASH

  142

  Two years ago, Mom saw me fooling around with

  one of those little electronic keyboards at the

  mall the week before Christmas. I liked it because

  it had all these buttons that made different

  sound effects.

  I think Mom got a little overly excited that I was

  showing interest in a musical instrument, because

  on Christmas Eve a truck rolled up to deliver a

  full-size piano.

  QUACK

  QUACK

  QUACK

  143

  Judging by Dad’s reaction, I don’t think Mom

  checked with him before buying it.


  At first I was excited about the piano, but when

  I realized it didn’t make laser sounds and stuff

  like that, I lost interest real quick.

  But Mom wasn’t gonna let me give up so fast. She

  hired a lady named Mrs. French to come to the

  house and give me private lessons twice a week.

  TINK

  144

  Mrs. French knew her stuff when it came to the

  piano, but I was a TERRIBLE student.

  The first problem was Mrs. French’s teaching style.

  She’d sit right behind me on the bench and put

  her fingers on top of MY fingers. That approach

  might work for SOME of Mrs. French’s students,

  but it definitely didn’t work for ME.

  Then there was the music itself. If I was gonna

  play the piano, I wanted to learn cool songs like

  the ones you hear on the radio. But Mrs. French

  said I had to start with the BASICS, and she

  gave me a “Beginner’s Songbook” that looked like

  it was older than Mrs. French.

  MID-DLE "C"!

  MID-DLE "C"!

  145

  All the songs in that thing were really corny, and

  it was hard for me to get into them.

  I felt pretty bad, because Mrs. French gave me

  homework every time she visited, but I NEVER

  practiced in between lessons. So every time she

  came we’d have to start over with the “C-D-E”

  song, which must’ve driven her nuts.

  Eventually Mrs. French gave up trying to teach

  me anything, and she’d just read gossip magazines

  while I did my own thing.

  C-D-E

  with Bee

  C D

  E!

  Sing with me!

  Sing with bee!

  Sing with glee!

  146

  It went on like that for a month or two, but

  eventually Mom discovered what was happening and

  that was the end of my private lessons.

  Now the piano is just a giant piece of furniture

  taking up space in the living room. I think Mom

  and Dad are still paying that thing off, so I

  can kind of understand why Dad’s not eager for

  me to try a NEW instrument.

  Luckily, Mom had my back. She said maybe the

  piano wasn’t the right FIT for me, and that

  sometimes the instrument needs to find the

  PERSON. She finally convinced him when she said

  that kids who play musical instruments do better

  at math and go on to get better jobs.

  BLEEP

  BLORP

  BEEP

  147

  A half hour later we were at the music store

  downtown picking out an instrument.

  My number one requirement for an instrument

  is that it makes me look COOL. I saw a guy

  at Mom’s college strumming a guitar outside the

  library, and he DEFINITELY had the right idea.

  148

  Unfortunately, the guitar isn’t one of the

  instruments in our middle school band. So I had

  to pick something else.

  I had my eye on the saxophone at first, because

  with that one it’s hard NOT to look cool. I

  learned THAT from Declan Vaughn, who practices

  his during recess.

  But there are WAY too many buttons on that

  thing, and I knew I’d never get the hang of it.

  Mom suggested I take a look at the French horn,

  which SHE used to play as a kid. The French horn

  looked cool enough and only had three buttons, so

  I figured I could probably handle it.

  149

  The shopkeeper pulled the French horn down off the

  hook and handed it to me. But when Dad saw the

  price tag, he put the brakes on the whole thing.

  Dad said we should RENT instead of buy, because

  that would be a whole lot cheaper. But all the

  rental instruments were USED.

  The kid who played the French horn in the school

  band last year was Joshua Ballard, and there was

  a chance the rental belonged to HIM.

  150

  Mom and Dad got into an argument in front

  of everyone, and it was kind of embarrassing.

  Dad said we were spending too much money on

  something I’d quit in two weeks, and Mom said he

  needed to show more FAITH in me.

  Eventually, Dad caved in. But before he swiped

  his credit card, he made me promise I’d practice

  every night.

  This thing better be as easy as it looks. Because

  it feels like a lot of trouble to go through just to

  get invited to a Halloween party.

  Tuesday

  When I was picking an instrument, I should’ve

  put more thought into it. I was mostly

  thinking about IMAGE, but there are OTHER

  considerations, too.

  151

  It was a pain in the neck bringing my French

  horn to school today, because the CASE weighs

  almost as much as the instrument. But when I

  saw what Grayden Bundy had to deal with, I

  felt OK about my choice.

  Everybody says Annabelle Grier is one of the

  smartest girls in our grade, and it’s easy to see

  why. She plays the piccolo, so she’s not wasting

  any energy lugging a heavy instrument around.

  DRAG

  152

  But George Deveney might be even smarter than

  HER. He plays the kettledrums, and those are

  too big to take home every night, so they stay in

  the band room full-time.

  Something I never really noticed before is that

  most of the kids in the band actually kind of

  LOOK like their instruments. I don’t know

  if people do that on purpose or if it’s just a

  coincidence.

  BOOM

  BA-

  DOOM

  BOOM

  BOOM

  TOOT

  TOOOT

  SCREE

  SCREEE

  TWEET

  TWEET

  153

  The great thing about the band is that there are

  no tryouts or anything. Basically, if you buy an

  instrument and show up, you’re in.

  But I wasn’t thinking it all the way through

  when I picked my instrument. The French horn

  is in the brass section, and almost everyone in the

  brass section is a GUY.

  The woodwind section is the complete opposite.

  It’s all GIRLS except for a handful of guys,

  including Rowley. I really wish he’d given me

  a heads-up about it, because that information

  would’ve been nice to know.

  Maybe Rowley didn’t tell me on PURPOSE so I

  wouldn’t give him any competition.

  154

  I noticed he sits right next to Mariana Mendoza,

  and believe me, that’s no accident.

  When class started, Mrs. Graziano told us to

  start warming up. That’s when I remembered

  that my least favorite sound in the world is kids

  practicing their instruments.

  But Mrs. Graziano didn’t seem to mind. She’s

  retiring this year, so I think she’s already

  checked out.

  TWEET

  TWOOT

  TOOT

  TWEET

  TWEET<
br />
  TWEEE

  SMASH

  BUH-DUH

  BOOMP

  SHAKE-A

  SHAKE

  PLUCK

  PLUCK

  SCREE

  SCREECH

  CLICK

  155

  I sat next to the only other kid who plays the

  French horn, Evan Pittman, who looked like

  he knew what he was doing. With the way he

  moved his fingers around, it seemed a lot more

  complicated than I was expecting. But I figured

  I might as well give it a shot.

  I filled my cheeks with air just like Evan did, and

  I blew into the mouthpiece as hard as I could.

  But the air didn’t come out where I expected.

  As soon as it happened, everyone in the band

  just FROZE. Jake McGough started trying to

  sniff out who did it, because he’s got a weird

  talent for that sort of thing.

  BLAPPP

  156

  But if there’s one thing you should know about

  me, it’s that I have NEVER taken blame for a

  fart. I’d even throw my own mother under the

  bus, and trust me, I have.

  The kids in the band were starting to look my

  way. I was really sweating it, because if I was

  gonna get invited to Mariana Mendoza’s Halloween

  party, my reputation couldn’t take a hit like this.

  SNIFF

  SNIFF

  WHO CUT THE

  CHEESE IN HERE?

  NOT

  ME!

  FAN

  FAN

  157

  Jake McGough was getting closer and closer,

  and I knew I was only seconds away from

  getting identified.

  So I did what I HAD to do, and pinned it on

  Grayden Bundy.

  I didn’t feel TOO bad, because Grayden has a

  reputation for letting it rip in class. So the way

  I see it, this was punishment for all the times he

  got away with one.

  158

  Thursday

  I wish I could go back in time and pick a new

  instrument, because this French horn is no joke.

  The guy at the music store never mentioned that it’s